This is mine

The Scribblerati

2012-02-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

Hey, I forgot to mention it on here yesterday, so for all of you out there who read this blog exclusively--and you know who you are--I'm over at the Scribblerati blog blogging about blogging...You heard me.

Go check it out.

The last day of January (Stuff)

2012-01-30T09:39:00.000-08:00

After an initial flurry of posting to start off the year, I slacked off again, reverted to type, if you will. And I know, I know, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, but really, I've been busy. I'm a working man, folks, just trying to put a little money in my pocket. Working man, not as in: "at a job", but more like: "on stuff." I'll post something about all of that in the coming days and weeks, most likely. Also, I usually comment on the Oscars around this time of year, but have you seen the list? Sure, there's a couple of good nominations, but mostly this year's list seems like the best possible illustration of what a hum-drum year it was at the movies. I mean, I'll probably get around to that... maybe, but I'm not excited about it.

So, I can hear you now, Dear Reader, if I'm not going to blather on about all of that shit, then what exactly are we all here for?

Just some stuff, some stuff I like.

Let's take a look...

I almost forgot about this trailer. This is fantastic. The 2nd season of HBO's Game of Thrones. The books are great, the first season was perfect. I can't wait for this one. Of course it will take forever for me to see it, because HBO is full of assholes that won't let you just pay and download each episode like a normal god damn person and instead they demand that you subscribe to their shitty channel, just to get internet access to a STREAMING copy of each episode. Fuckers. I hate HBO. Too bad their shows are so good... Jerks. Anyway, this:

Love it. Book Two is even crazier than the first one. I can't wait.

This is the Ferris Bueller trailer that is going to show during the Superbowl.

Not bad, not great. A lot of the jokes seemed a little too easy, more of the "Remember this?" variety, then clever, you know? Am I an idiot for being a little disappointed? Probably. Is it wrong that I still want a full length movie? Yes, it is, I know it is, but still....

Moving on, Avatar the last Airbender was one of the best animated shows ever--great characters, great storyline, imaginative and fun. Highly recommended (the movie was absolute garbage, forget it ever happened). Anyway, here's the sequel to the cartoon. It's a new world, a new conflict, a new cast, and a new Avatar and she's a... What? A girl? That's crazy pants!

Looks awesome, can't wait. You can find more clips over at Io9.

Next is Bobcat Goldthwait's latest film. I've been a fan since Shakes the Clown--which was...genius, pure genius--and like all his stuff, God Bless America is dark and mean and funny.

I suppose there's something that could be said for the growing amount of "mad as hell and armed to the teeth" type of films lately that have been popping up out there, but... meh. Besides, I do hate people who talk in movie theatres. And honestly, I only watch My Sweet Sixteen on MTV to hate the people on it, so...

Here's a film recently nominated for Best Foreign Language film and it is getting a ton of buzz.

Hormone Mafia? If it was me, I'd want to change our group's name.

And this last one? Well, this last one here is called: Wastelander Panda

Uh... wha--what? I... hmmm. That was kind of awesome. But it'd probably work better as a cartoon, right? I mean, the key to it all is in the face, striking the balance between sympathetic human emotion and reminding us that he is still a bear when they need to, and that mask just doesn't quite cut it. It needs to be able to snarl. Still, pretty awesome.

Anyway, later Gators,
Jon

20 Films I'm looking forward to in 2012

2012-01-14T18:11:00.000-08:00

The list started out as my top 12 in 2012, which is nice and catchy, sure, but as I looked at it, I realized I had so many honorable mentions and also-maybes that it was actually a list of around twenty and I figured: Well, that's a good thing, right? I should just list them all.

Damn right I should.

Especially after this past year.

So yeah, rejoice! 2012 will not only be the End of the current Age according to the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar and the herald of a transformative (or possibly cataclysmic) event for this plane of existence, but it looks like we're also gonna have some pretty good movies to watch while waiting to see how things shake out.

20 Films to watch for in 2012

20. Moonrise Kingdom
Oh, Wes Anderson, a long time ago, we used to be friends, but you've actually kind of bored me in our more recent meetings and I can't help but notice certain... patterns... in your work that I've begun to wonder if perhaps you might be relying upon them a little too heavily. However, when I heard you had a new film coming out this year, I had to take a look. Apparently, I can not help but be drawn to you like a moth to the flame...

19. Django Unchained
The buzz on the script is hot, but you can never believe that about anything Quentin Tarantino, as the motherfucker is practically a cult leader of Internet movie nerds, but that aside, I'm interested. I'm interested, despite the fact that over the past couple of films, I've felt like his whole fetishism/homage schtick is getting a bit out of control. I know people shit themselves with love for Inglorious Basterds, but with the exception of a few stand-outs, it really missed the mark for me. It felt like an uneven mish-mash of two movies, both of which kept the other from really shining. Also, I found the period incongruities to be distracting. Eli Roth bugs me. And I think killing Hitler in any kind of fiction is the ultimate act of impotence and should just be avoided. That being said, the son of a bitch is another Director, like Wes Anderson, whose work I can't look away from. Kill Bill had it's problems, most of which was due to the unwieldy burden of excess pop culture and fetish ticks, but it did do one thing to me: Made me very interested in seeing what the man could do with a Spaghetti Western.

And here we are...

18. Snow White and the Huntsman
I know, I know. It's a Kristen Stewart movie, but it also has Thor throwing axes and Charlize Theron drenched in milk. Honestly, it also looks like it might be kind of fantasy film cool. Maybe? I know. I know, but really... watch the trailer.

17. Wreck-it Ralph
This is an interesting sounding movie. It's a cartoon, but not a Pixar (which can always be a little bit of an iffy bet). It's set in an old school arcade where each night the games mingle and hang out and most likely make some clever and probably some not-so-clever video game references during their interactions. John C. Reilly voices the main character: Wreck-it Ralph, a Donkey Kong type of video game bad guy who one day realizes that he no longer wants to be the bad guy, he wants to be the hero, but when he enters a First Person Shooter and unleashes a horrible monster, well wackiness and trouble and questions about pre-destination and the expectations of society and what it means to be a hero ensue.

16. The Amazing Spider-man
Hmmm... I'm not sure if it's too soon for a reboot of this franchise or if a reboot (and it is a reboot, NOT a remake) is even really needed in the first place and I'm definitely NOT a fan of the hidden story of Peter's parents--which I found to be an unnecessary dud--and I don't know... so much CGI, but the trailer looks like it might be fun, so that, coupled with the fact that I am an unabashed Marvelhead and that I love Emma Stone, not to mention Martin Sheen, means I'll be there.

15. G.I. Joe: Retaliation
I feel a little dirty for being so excited about this film, but the trailer kills, folks, it kills. Now, sure, maybe it's just that the first stunk so bad and maybe this one seems more like the G.I. Joe film the 10 year old inside me imagined all those days on the porch surrounded by the toys and creating adventures, but good god damn, this looks like fun. Ugh. I'm so embarrassed, but it is what it is.

14. The Dark Knight Rises
Some people might rank this film higher and I'm okay with that. I'm a Batman fan. I like Christopher Nolan and I enjoyed these movies, but I never really went ga-ga for them. They're good, but they're not my favorite, so this--the third and final film of Nolan's Batman saga--is one I will see, but... I don't know. Everything I'm hearing sounds like the film may not be able to stand up under the weight, not just of expectations, but of the story itself. Plus, I think I'm still disappointed they're not doing the seminal Dark Knight Returns storyline. Anyway, watch the trailer, maybe you'll feel the same. To me, it seems a little muddled. It seems a little bit of a mess, but time will tell, I guess.

13. Skyfall (James Bond)
I loved Casino Royale and thought Quantum of Solace was mostly a confusing, boring, and forgettable blur and a huge pity for being so, because I liked Casino Royale so much. But that was a while ago and now, finally, here's the latest one. The name may be kind of awful, but at least it's a step up from Quantum of Solace. And hopefully that won't be the only way Skyfall will be a step-up from that film. So far the prospects are promising. They've taken some time with it. Daniel Craig is returning, who I consider to be the second best Bond after Connery, and Sam Mendes is directing. This is all hopeful news to me, so... fingers crossed.

12. World War Z
After years of lumbering through the system, the movie adaptation of Max Brooks' faux-oral history of ten years after a zombie apocalypse is finally almost here. Brad Pitt produced this and he stars in it and he generally seems to have a good handle on his projects of late, but I've heard horrible shit about J. Michael Straczynski's script and I've read the book, which isn't so much a whole story, but a series of vignettes of which some work, others are kind of cool, and a couple really thud. Now, it sounds like they've made some tweaks to tie it all together a bit more tightly, but we'll see. In the end, I'll be there for a big budget zombie apocalypse regardless and just hope the stink of the Walking Dead TV adaptation isn't contagious.

11. Argo
This is an interesting project, the supposed true story of the CIA exfiltration of six Americans from Iran on the eve of the Iranian revolution. What makes it crazy is that the CIA apparently went in under the cover of being a Hollywood crew filming a Sci-fi movie using designs created by the late, great Jack "the King" Kirby. It was like a whole, giant, real-life, crazy Mission: Impossible type spy thing. True story. Supposedly. Anyway, it's got Bryan Cranston, John Goodman, Clea Duvall, and Alan Arkin. Ben Affleck stars and directs. Right now, he's an up and down Director for me. I loved Gone, baby, gone, but I thought the Town was a lump of cliched crap, so that makes this film the decider, right? Ben Affleck, Director: Cool or Crap? We shall see.

10. Haywire
This opens soon, a few days, I think... or maybe it's open now. If so, check it out. It's the latest Soderbergh and its got a huge cast. Sure, sure, it may be just another Jason Bourne and sure, sure what's-her-face, the MMA fighter lady who's starring in this film may or may not be as engaging as a brick on screen, but hey, Sasha Grey was pretty good in The Girlfriend Experience, so who knows, maybe Soderbergh has an eye for people who can, at the very least, appear natural on screen. They posted the first five minutes on line to whet your appetite a bit, so check it out.

9. Cogan's Trade
There's no trailer or anything yet, but Andrew Dominik is the writer and director of both Chopper and The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford. That's all you really need to say and I'm really interested in seeing this film. REALLY interested.

8. John Carter
I've blogged about this before, you can find it here. I couldn't really say why this film is so on my radar, but it is. I love the books, the pulp era they came from, plus the trailer looks great and has a real high adventure old star wars feel to it. I'm not making any promises here, it's a definite wild card, with a high probability of crap, but... It pokes at me and draws my attention...

7. The Grandmasters
The oft-told and fabled tale of Ip Man, teacher of Bruce Lee and near God-like badass, a mixture of Yoda and the Dali lama and Chuck Norris, as told by the legendary Wong Kar Wei? Yes, please. Hopefully he'll complete it before 2013... hopefully.

6. Brave
Everybody gets sick now and then. Everybody has had a bad case of diarrhea, the Hershey squirts, the runs, the mud butt, the fiery poop-water, if you will. Cars 2 was Pixar with a bad case of the Burnin' O Ring, as if the people from Dreamworks animation came over and they brought some bad dairy with them. And just like how you always feel better once you've thoroughly destroyed your toilet with a case of the green apple splatters, Pixar has apparently now recovered as well, moving back into the territory of story first, rather than marketing, with their next movie: Brave. It's an original story--as far as I can tell--about a Princess standing against a Monster's curse. Plus, she's voiced by Kelly MacDonald, who I've loved since Trainspotting. Can't wait. I'm glad Pixar is back.

5. The Cabin in the Woods
This film was a victim of the Miramax/Weinstein split, if I remember right, and it sat on the shelf for a long time while exactly who owned the thing was ironed out. It was actually supposed to be Chris Hemsworth's first big movie, but then he made Thor during the wait. Anyway, this is a total geek movie, legendary during the anticipation and the festival buzz is phenomenal with critics going back two or three times to see the thing. It's also written by Joss Whedon. All that was fine for me, but I'm not a big horror fan and like Tarantino, Whedon is a Cult Leader amongst the nerd crowd, as well, so any hype has to come with grains of salt. And while, yes, I myself give Whedon much more leeway than Tarantino, no matter how snarky and self-aware a horror film about teenagers getting killed in the woods gets, it's still not really my bag, so I never gave a shit really if this film ever came out. Been there, done that, yawn, know what I mean? But then I saw the trailer and theres some stuff that happens there that makes me go: Hmmm... Interesting.

4. Prometheus
Ridley Scott doing an original Sci-fi story that, at the same time, may or may not be a prequel to Alien? Yes, this is good. Plus, check out the cast: Michael Fassbinder, Noomi Rapace, Charlize Theron, Patrick Wilson, Guy Pearce, Idris Elba? Brilliant. I also love the secrecy surrounding the project, that's a rare thing these days. I'm really looking forward to this one.

3. Looper
Looper is the story of a killer who works for the mob from the future. Apparently the idea is, that when the mob needs someone disposed of, they send them back in time where the main character kills them. There's no body for cops in the future to find and no crime in the past, since technically the victim is still alive somewhere. Which is a pretty cool idea. But then one day the person who appears is the killer's future self. Which would probably suck. It stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Wilson and they're playing the same person. Awesome.

2. The Avengers
I don't really need to explain this, right? I mean, come on. Who's list is it again? It's mine, so yeah: The Avengers. Fuckin' A right, Duke boys. This is the biggest of the big summer, explodey, ka-pow, boom-boom, popcorn flicks made maybe in the history of ever and I am helpless before its awesome behemoth Hollywood power. Also, after you watch the trailer, watch the sweded version, because it's great too.

1. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
The only geek film capable of unseating the Avengers for my number one most anticipated film slot. That probably says a lot toward my origins as a geek, but it's true. Everything about this film seems right, mostly because it's the same people who did the seemingly impossible last time out. I'm even more wild for the idea that the story is going to be told in two parts. Oh, Smaug, I can't wait.

And that's it. That's my top 20 films I'm looking forward to in 2012. It looks like a fun year, yeah? And the best part is, these are just the big ones, the ones you can see coming. My favorite part is the surprises, the films you don't expect to love until you stumble across them. Who knows what we'll see. I'm looking forward to a fun year of movies.

Wooo,
Jon

The Worst films of 2011

2012-01-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

The other day I posted my top 10 favorite movies of 2011 list and so, in the interest of symmetry, today I present to you the opposite side of that coin--the dark and smelly side of that coin: The top 10 worst films of 2011. And believe me, while I may have had some difficulty filling out the Best of list, this one practically wrote itself. You can find my previous lists here and here.

The rules here are easy. Often times when you see these lists it's yet another film snob contest to see who can find the worst, most embarrassing, most under-funded and awful films out there, the ones that were made with unreasonable goals and delusional beliefs for terrible reasons by really untalented people with zero chance of ever exceeding at anything except maybe being unwatchably bad. They then drag these films up out of their much deserved obscurity, hold them up to the harsh light of day in all their wretched and slimy glory and then they point and laugh at the poor wretches like a bunch of jerks.

I don't do that.

You see, bad films are made all the time by people who will never realize they should be doing something else with their lives. This is the dark side of the dream. This is why American Idol can do two full hours of screeching freaks desperate to humiliate themselves in front of millions. It isn't worth pointing them out. It's too easy, because they were never going to be good in the first place. They had no chance. They were never in the running, so they're not a consideration. That being said, I also do not include films like Jack and Jill, or Dylan Dog, or Zookeeper. I mean... come on. So, no, this list is about the criminally bad, the films that could have afforded to take the time and the extra effort needed to ensure a good product. Especially at the cost. In the end, that's what this list is really about: the films that cost way too much to suck this hard.

So, here we go...

The Top Ten Worst Films of 2011 as chosen by me, Jonathan Hansen

10. Transformers 3: Take that, you cocksuckers!
You may have noticed that a few years ago I rated Transformers 2 as the worst movie of the year and that this year, I have rated Transformers 3 as only the 10th worst movie of the year. How can this be, you ask? Well, that is due to a very marked and noticeable improvement between this film and the last one. That's right, kids, I'll freely admit it: Transformers 3 is better than Transformers 2. That being said, however, it still sucked balls.

9. Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Up yours, Universe!
This one is just crazy pants. It's so bad, I sometimes forget it exists, which at the amount of money it cost to make this wretched thing is unforgivable. It's not even good enough to be bad. The fourth movie in a series that cost millions to make and is based on an amusement park ride, isn't even good at being a piece of shit. Plus, it's got Melonhead Penelope Cruz in it wearing a giant fucking pirate hat that must have taken at least three Disney owned Chinese villages to make--given it's massive size--and yet, it still isn't able to really suck. Johnny Depp is a drunk pirate, for God's sake! Again! Why is this still happening? Who are you people that go to this shit? What the fuck is wrong with you? And then... and then--I can just hear you--you all come out of the theatre afterwards and are like: "Uh-hur... that movie sucked."

8. The Green Hornet
Make no mistake. This movie is bad. The problem is, and the reason it's on this list, is that it isn't bad due to Michel Gondry or Seth Rogan or even the character of the Green Hornet. No, this movie sucks because it was very obviously destroyed by idiot studio interference. Now, word around the campfire is: Sony was expecting something more like Iron Man and were shocked to discover that when shown the dailies, Michel Gondry, the crazy french artsy director guy, and, the internationally famous fat guy stoner, Seth Rogan had instead delivered a superhero comedy... How dumb and out of touch do you have to be to be shocked by that? Didn't they hire these people? You don't hire a house painter to paint your car and then get mad about the results. So, as a result, the film was torn up and turned into a barely coherent mess of something that might once have been cool. Pity.

7. Conan the Barbarian
Wow. I did not know they made movies like this anymore. I mean, direct to DVD, sure, but for real? Like to put in a movie theater and shit? Where regular people can just go and see it? That's insane. It's like the cast and crew of the Barbarian Brothers movie got put in suspended animation during the wrap party and then 30 years later were unfrozen and given a real budget and no supervision. P. U.! Didn't anyone read this script? Ever? This one stinks and not even funny stinks. And the worst part is, you can tell everyone just thought they were the most awesome ever while making this film. Like they were parading around, filming, just thinking they were King Awesome of Awesome town, ruler of the land of Awesomeness. And... they just aren't.

6. Red State
Oh look, it's Kevin Smith working well outside of his comfort zone... how terrible and completely underwhelming...

5. I am Number Four
This movie was like puke on film. The only reason it's not the number one worst film this year is because I have a bigger beef with the other films. Otherwise, make no mistake, this is a completely 100% vanilla bland, awful, forgettable, craptastic, stupid, terrible movie made with real money, studio support and industry connections. It's a really bad, poorly thought out, failed TV show pilot for the WB that is suffering from delusions of grandeur. The fact that people spent millions of dollars on this should result in all of them receiving prison terms. It's so completely uninteresting and mediocre, it's offensive that a group of people so lacking in talent got paid so well to showcase their inability to the world. No one involved with this film deserves any kind of fame. It's so awful, but let's be clear, this isn't MST-awful, it's just bland bad. It's uninspired. Terrible.

4. Green Lantern
These last four movies are not bad films, per se, not like some of the others on this list. In fact, all four films could be said to be very good when it comes to certain aspects, but yet, they all have one giant glaring and unforgivable flaw that completely ruins them. And in the case of Green Lantern it is simple to see that flaw: This movie is boring. BORING. How does that happen? How do you make a film about a hot shot pilot who is given a magical wish ring by a dying alien and then becomes a part of a space police force called the Green Lanterns boring? The funny part is, whoever made the trailers completely understood what was cool about the film, something the creators of the film couldn't quite grasp: It's a space opera super hero story starring a guy whose can use his ring to make a green light version of whatever he can imagine. And it is soooo boring, people. I am telling you. BORING. I'm sure there are supernerds out there (Pre-New 52 DC fans...) who can go on about the minutiae, but all that shit is secondary to the fact that this film is a cinematic sleeping pill.

3. Hobo with a Shotgun
This film commits the most heinous film crime possible to my mind and that is: Trying to pretend that intentional camp has any value at all. Films that are intentionally campy/gonzo/schlocky are like non-racist skinheads, they don't actually exist to anyone outside the immediate circle of involvement. You see, Hobo with a Shotgun is nothing but a big in-joke that is funnier in the abstract. The reality of trying to be a terrible, so-bad-it's-funny type of movie (like the one that I posted about a few days ago called The Carrier) on purpose is a different matter all together. See, the Carrier is a terrible film. It's terrible because it was the 80s and the film had no money and no real talent to speak of, but everybody involved tried, they tried REALLY hard. They tried their stupid little untalented hearts out. Which makes it hilarious and insane and a joy to watch. Those types of films are great. They're an experience to share with friends. They're a secret language, a private club. They're a good time, because they're SINCERE. Unfortunately, there are buttholes out there who don't get that those very same jokes AREN'T FUNNY when they're done on purpose, that it's just a waist of time. It's like the difference between the documentaries Trekkies and Trekkies 2. Trekkies features a lot of good hearted geeks and weird-os who genuinely love what they love and are unashamed to share that love with you. It's sincere and great. Trekkies 2 (with a few exceptions) is mostly full of ironic Star Trek themed Hipster bar bands and other smug, worthless douchebags. This film is Trekkies 2.

2. Super 8
This film is the perfect example of two powerful Hollywood figures not having the restraining hand of editorial when they most need one. The story is (admitted by JJ Abrams in the special features) a mash up of two ideas. One, the blind with nostalgia love that he and Spielberg share about how they both used to gather their friends and make amateur movies with their super 8 cameras when they were kids and 2. a vague idea about a secret government train hauling a monster and then crashing. The mash up does not work. Ok, so these kids are making a zombie movie in the mid 80s (the best part of the film) and they witness the just mentioned train crash. After that we get an awkward smushing of E.T. and Cloverfield that can't quiet figure out it's tone or what it wants to say or how. Themes are brought up and then dropped. The monster is a monster and yet the music plays sympathetically. The resolution to the main boy's feelings about the death of his mother is that he loses his last piece of her to the monster that has been eating the town? And how exactly was the town drunk responsible for the mom's death? You can actually see the moment where Abrams and Spielberg lost their balls and backed out on that idea. This is a beautifully shot, amazing looking film that visually could have sprung straight out of that early 80's Spielberg catalog that we all love. And the kids are great, especially the younger Fanning girl (she's way better than everything in this film), but ultimately, the film makes no sense and fails because it not only has no idea what it wants to be, but it half-assedly tries to be several things at once. This film, more than anything, needed a good strong rewrite and a critical eye who was willing to tell these guys "No". Huge failure.

1. Sucker Punch
You know, before this film came out, I couldn't figure out why the hell that was the title.

Now I know. God help me, now I know.

This movie suffers from everything the last three films on this list suffered from, only more so. It's a terrible idea that should have been put through more rewrites, helmed by a Director who needed a constraining hand more than anything, and ultimately when it all comes down to it... it was boring as hell. How is that possible? It looked so bad ass. It's like everything you want all poured together (okay, maybe not you, but me, certainly), but no. It's a lie. A boring, boring lie. But how? How does this become boring:

Fucking A right, we were unprepared. Good Lord, how could we be? It was astounding how bad this film was. Astounding. During the build-up for the movie's release, I often said: "This will either be the coolest thing ever or the stupidest." And yeah, it was the stupidest. How stupid? How bad? This film is so God awful that interference from the Studio actually made it better! That's right. Better. Those of you who suffered through this, did you know that besides every thing else that was terrible that went on in this film, there were also full on dance scenes that someone somewhere saw and went: "Oh no, no. We can't have that. No." Oh yeah, it's true. We have no idea how bad, how interminable this film could have been. Ugh. Awful. Sucker Punch is right.

Honorable mention

Abduction

I didn't see this film, but... Come on... a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes? Although, I guess you could say that the best part of this film is that at least we can now rest easy, having irrefutable proof that Taylor Lautner's career will be done once the last Twilight film comes out.

Well, at least 2012 is a new year.

Here's hoping,

Jon

The Best films of 2011

2012-01-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

2011 was a pretty crappy year for films.

Maybe crappy is too harsh. Mediocre is better. Lackluster fits. Hoo-hum for sure.

Sure there were some bright spots--bright spots we will be discussing today--but mostly it was all pretty blah. It was so blah that I had a little trouble putting this list together. Now, granted there are some films out there I haven't seen yet, films that people consider to be good. However, judging by the general tone of the critical reactions to those films, it doesn't sound too likely that any of the missing films would go rocketing to the top of my list, so... here we are. This is something I try to every year. I think it's a nice way to wrap things up. You can see my previous lists here and here.

So yeah, it's time to do this. If I wait any longer, this list will lose what little relevance it may have ever had. Let's go.

THE BEST MOVIES OF 2011 AS CHOSEN BY ME, JONATHAN HANSEN

The rules here are pretty easy. These are movies I like and enjoy and will most likely watch more than once, some of them much more than that.

Now, being that these are films I like, then it stands to reason that I also think of them as good films. Of course, this is not meant to infer that this list contains the absolute best made, most original, and/or most technically astounding and artistically pure films of the year. No, you see, in my world, first and foremost is my own personal enjoyment. There are many undeniably great, insightful, well-made and beautiful films out there that I have no desire to ever see again under any circumstance... these do not make my list.

I also didn't go to enough films this year that I could go very obscure either. And wouldn't, even if I had. In fact, I find critics who engage in that kind of scenester-snob cinematic one-ups-manship wack-off crap to be repulsive and I wish I could tear their noses off with my teeth while we stood in the middle of a Hampton's Garden Party, like something out of the Great Gatsby, while all the guests watch us, their faces frozen in pale little open-mouthed Os as the blood flowed and the screaming turned hoarse, until I turn and face the gathered guests, spitting the hunk of nose to the grass and arming the blood from my chin and say: "No ticket."

...but then, there have been some who accuse me of occasionally overreacting, so I digress.

My point is: I like these films and not always for wholly defensible reasons.

So, all that being said, shall we begin?

10. Captain America, Thor, X-men: First Class:

It should come as no surprise to anyone who's read this blog more than once that I am a comic book fan. I write about them occasionally. So it should be equally unsurprising that I would include the Marvel movies in my top ten list. Do they have their issues? Yes, they are not perfect films, but they do have great casts and an obvious love of the source material (and yet are inventive enough to not be constrained by it), so I was either surprised by how well done they were, really entertained, or both. I've already reviewed Captain America here. The other two I didn't talk about much except to generally track their progress and sometimes make fun of them. I even named X-men in my list of films I wasn't looking forward too. And yet, I was wrong. Both surprised me and entertained me and that's not an easy thing, especially for a summer popcorn flick.

9. Hanna:

At first glance, Hanna could be dismissed out of hand as nothing more than another in the long line of the bastard children of Jason Bourne. Director Joe Wright took that weary framework and draped it in great performances, brilliant shots, and some fantastic action pieces. Saoirse Ronan, a poor son of a bitch if there ever was one and whose parents deserve a good smacking, is a ghostly pale wisp who believably exudes the ingrained confidence and ability of a raised since birth assassin. But while she's believable whooping so much ass, her best performances come while she explores the outside world for the first time in her life, the wonder and awe is apparent on her face. A great movie and a good time.

8. Trollhunter:

Trollhunter is a Norweigian POV film in which a group of students shooting a documentary discover one of Norway's biggest secret: It's full of Trolls. Full on Hans Christain Anderson, stay out of the sunlight, grind your bones into bread Trolls. It's scary and funny and, most importantly, it is one of those rare beasts, it is believable as a POV film, which is usually where these things fail: You have to make it believable that the filmmakers, once confronted with the craziness, would keep filming. This is why Cloverfield was so stupid (one of the reasons). I'll buy reporters and documentarians, but Joe Schmoo going back for the dropped camera? No. You have to give them a reason to keep filming and Trollhunter does it easily. In the end, it looks good, it's fun to watch, and it's totally worth your time.

7. I Saw the Devil:

I rarely include horror films on this list. I'm not a big fan. I find most of them to be a waste of time because the majority of them seem to completely depend upon one of the characters doing something really, obviously stupid and I have a hard time getting behind the films because of that. Plus, since they rely so much on the scares, it's hard to get much second-viewing value. And even worse/lower (scumbags) are the ones that are nothing but gore porn, the blood on the boobs type of films that are more concerned with the effects than the story. Of course, there are exceptions to this rule and this film is one of them. This is a South Korean film that starts with a horrifying act and then turns into a vicious game of cat and mouse between a vengeance-driven Secret Agent and a loathsome serial killer and it's... crazy. Crazy. Insane and even more so, because it lacks that stupid false American morality bullshit and doesn't even try to redeem either character. Completely engrossing. Completely terrifying. You should absolutely watch it.

6. Bridesmaids:

Funniest movie of the year. Loved it. Great cast. Just awkward and gross and hilarious all the way through. The only thing missing from this movie is the fact that it was obviously edited for time in places because the studios didn't have faith the film would find an audience. Of course, now that it's made a metric ton of money off a nothing budget, well, I am totally looking forward to future efforts by this group. Hopefully there'll be more pooping in the sink.

5. Rise of the Planet of the Apes:

I already reviewed this film and you can find it here. I called it the best film of the summer then, and it still is. If you haven't seen it, you should.

4. 13 Assassins:

This is Takashi Miike's ode to the age of the samurai and it is fantastic. Let's forget the scenery, the actors, the shocking sudden bits of Miike-ness--all of that alone would usually make a great movie--instead, let's focus on the last forty-five minutes. A full-on battle to the death, thirteen samurais on a suicide mission to kill an evil Lord (hence the title). But to get to them, the samurai have to take out hundreds of soldiers. There's no other word for this film. It's awesome. So awesome. I bought it right away. Love it.

3. Young Adult:

I'm a fan of Diablo Cody and of Jason Reitman. I like what they do. Sure you could say that Reitman is a less saccharine and trite and somewhat cooler version of Cameron Crowe, but so what? Cameron Crowe was cool once too. And yes, there are those of you who seem to think that Cody's dialogue is unrealistic and that, for some reason, this really fucking matters to you (jackass), to which I say: Shut up, stupid. And continue to like what they do. Young Adult is a sad and funny story about someone who refused to grow up and refused to let go and it all comes to a bad end. There's no redemption, just bad choices and Charlize Theron and Patton Oswald are brilliant. Great film.

2. Attack the Block:

Attack the Block is a British film that starts out with the great set-up of aliens invading a tower block in London and a group of young thugs having to fend them off, and it becomes a tale of personal responsibility and sacrifice and learning that actions have consequences. It's quick and exciting, it's funny and serious and it carries it's lessons easily without ever getting preachy. Even better, it works well within its budget and still looks good. This is a great film and a great surprise for the year.

1. Drive:

An all around great film, one I intend on buying. It's an homage to the 80s set in the present day. It's arty as hell and totally kick ass at the same time. It's noir to the hilt and blood, blood red. It's a classic tale about a stunt driver who moonlights as a wheelman, who meets a dame that he loves, and then goes on a heist that goes bad and after that, the bullets start to fly. Great cast. Great movie. Hands down.

Honorable mentions:

Immortals: Greek Gods and the not-really-the-actual myth of Theseus. Beautiful but shallow and silly. All style, no substance. The style was great though. Really great.

Limitless: The story of a man who takes a pill to become super smart and realizes that powerful people want what he's got. I expected this to be really stupid, but it turned out to be more like an interesting episode of the Twilight Zone, so... good for them.

Blackthorn: The story of the last ride of Butch Cassidy after years of hiding in Bolivia. Pretty cool. Really enjoyed it, but then it turned into one of those movies that realizes toward the end that it doesn't really have an ending, so it just kind of does.

Bellflower: Two young men who build apocalyptic toys and hang out with hipster girls. This is one of those films like I mentioned above: Great, no doubt, but... I'll never watch it again.

Source Code: The story of a man sent back in time over and over again in order to try to figure out how a terrorist bombing of a train happened and who that terrorist was. Great film. Love the Director's work. Great. For 98% of it, this film was one of the best of the year. The problem is, there's a point where the movie SHOULD HAVE ended, and then there's the horrible last five minutes more where the film ACTUALLY ends... and ruins it.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo: The story of a journalist and a hacker chasing a killer in Sweden. I love David Fincher and the cast and the look and the movie was good time. But the thing that kept it from becoming a great film was that in the end it was really nothing more than a cooler version of the original films and of course, the fact that books are kind of dumb.

The films I haven't seen that might have made the list:

In Time
Contagion
Moneyball
Being Elmo
Melancholia

The Muppets

The Descendants
The Idea of March

Sherlock Holmes 2

Exporting Raymond
Cave of Forgotten Dreams
Martha Marcy May Marlene

Elite Squad: The enemy within

Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol

See? I told you. I'm a little behind this year. I'll catch up on them in the next few weeks and update the list as needed, but like I said, I don't expect any of these films to really blow my skirt up in a major way, you know? What do you think? Did I miss anything? Let me know. Otherwise, tune in later this week for my Worst of 2011 list (which was remarkably easier to put together than this list) and my 20 films in 2012 that I'm looking forward to, which is actually a pretty exciting list.

Later kids,
Jon

The End of the Year (2011)

2011-12-31T17:27:00.000-08:00

This is the End, beautiful friend,

This is the End, my only friend. The End...

Well, not really. Not completely. Not at all, in fact. Really, it's just the end of the year. Woo-hoo. If you ask me, this is a good thing as 2011 kind of sucked balls, right? It did. I mean, there were some high points, yes, some really good high points, but mostly...? It was kind of blah. For example, I'm currently putting together my best and worst films of the year list (which I'll be posting in a few days or so) and let me tell you, the best of list? Not easy.

So, so long year of the Rabbit, you little bastard! Bring on the year of the Dragon!

The year of the Dragon. Nice, I happen to have been born in the Year of the Tiger. Check out the link. Sounds like me doesn't it? Sexy AND dangerous. Anyway, 2012 is the year of the Dragon, a year where I just happen to be working on a new book... a book that features a Dragon...

Heh... It could be a good year...

Hey, you know what we haven't done in awhile?

UPDATES!

So like I said, 2011 was an up and down year for me, writing-wise. I decided to trunk my first novel Gunslingers of the Apocalypse, with the intention of letting it cool a bit, because there are still some kinks I need to work out of it. In the meantime, I've been busy lobbing short stories at the high and formidable walls of Fortress Publication and for most of the year, I was rebuffed, turned back, as it were. Forced to run away. And for most of the year the best I could say about that particular effort was: At least there were no Frenchmen manning the ramparts with their vicious tauntings.

Yeah, trying to get published is actually a lot like this...

But then...

But then I sold my first story. Do you guys remember that? Have I mentioned this before? No? Oh, well, in that case, check this shit out. I sold my first short story Harris to the second volume of a local anthology called Cifiscape (pronounced Sci-fi scape, here's their website). The book's theme is Minnesota-ish authors writing stories about a dystopian future Twin Cities, but with a little hope, and not always specifically about the Twin Cities as well, whatever. It's cool. You can find the first volume here (Discounted for the Holidays!).

Also...

Also, since a new year is all about new beginnings (I guess), in the next few months or so, I'll be printing out the full "final" version of Gunslingers of the Apocalypse with an eye toward knocking out 20,000ish words, tightening where I can, and generally seeing what a year or so away has done to my eyes. I'm not sure what I'll do with it after that, for now there's only the first goal: New version. Then? Who knows? We shall see.

And that's not all...

And that's not all, I have started work on a new project, the above mentioned Dragon-appearing-within story. It's a book from a short story that wouldn't mush down to short story size, so now I'm letting it stretch its legs a bit. The holidays, being the son of a bitch they are, has cut into my writing time of late and I haven't been able to be at the desk as much as I'd prefer, but with all that shit soon to be behind me (except for a few late presents that I still need to pick up and ship out), my schedule is coming clear, so I am cracking my writing knuckles and getting ready to wade back in there.

Starting with right after I finish this blog...

But wait! There's more...

But wait! There's more! In my ever-continuing quest to better myself and my writing and to seek out new opportunities... Actually, this isn't my quest. I mean, it is, sure. It's everybody's right? I'm just saying that I've never stated this as my quest. It's not a mantra or anything. I don't have it taped to a mirror ala Stuart Smalley, it's just a general thing. That's all I'm saying... but I digress. Anyway, there's this thing, this writers workshop thing called Clarion West. It's kind of a big deal, people know about it.

I'm going to apply to it.

How will I pay for it? What if I can't take the six weeks off?

Distant bridges, my friends, ones that I will cross in the event that I actually make the cut. Which I may or may not. It's pretty competitive, I guess. So, we will see. The important part is that I'm going to apply. After that, we'll see.

Wish me luck!

And happy new years!

I am, as always,
Jon

Also, there's this. You must, must watch it. Really.

The Scribblerati

2011-12-23T21:59:00.000-08:00

The holidays are imminent!

Run to the hills! Run for your lives! Pray to whatever god you hold dear!

And if you have a moment, swing on over to the Scribblerati Blog and have a read. I've put up a little something-something to celebrate the holiday season. And, as the year winds down, make sure to keep an eye out for a new blog, probably in the next few days, it's gonna be just a little bit of general catch-up on what's going on with everything Jon. Also, my Best/Worst films of 2011 lists are coming. I'm preparing them now. Get excited. We'll talk soon.

Blog,
Jon

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

2011-12-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

Holy fucking nerd balls!

Watch this. Watch it twice. Then watch it again.

You know what? Chicken butt. Ok sure, but you know what else? Here's the new Hobbit trailer and I am giddy, people. I am giddy as a school girl. I am very excited. Let me repeat that shit for all of you out there in the cheap seats: I am VERY excited. After the ridiculously underwhelming new Batman trailer and the International Avenger's trailer that not only shows only ein kleine bit of new stuff but is auf Deutsch like a Schweinhund, this trailer here is a very positive thing. Very positive.

I'm geeking out, man. I am geeking out.

Can't hardly wait,
Jon

For the Gamers

2011-12-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

This one is for all you Gamers out there. Below you'll find another fan-film. I post these on occasion, don't cha' know. Anyway, this one starts out as a really well made, faithful, and pretty exciting Left 4 Dead short film by filmmaker Adrian Picardi and Northern Five Entertainment and then it kinda goes crazy.

Just watch it.

And make sure to stay until the end.

Sweet,
Jon

Cifiscape

2011-12-13T16:34:00.000-08:00

Stop the presses!

Some of you Hansen-fanatics out there may recall a few weeks back when I announced that I had sold my short story Harris over on the Scribblerati blog. Some of you Johnny-come-latelys may not recall this... well, catch up! Anyway, the Cifiscape website went live today and they are announcing the myriad and sundry authors who will be appearing in the upcoming anthology. And who, you may be asking, is first?

That'd be me...

Go me!

Wooooo,
Jon

The Walking Dead: Season Two, Episode Seven: Pretty Much Dead Already

2011-12-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

This season, I've been reviewing each episode as it aired--for the most part--grimly slogging through each one, each week. And this is it, folks. The end of the season. The last episode. The big one. The Whopper. Are you ready? Well, you better be, because the train is leaving the station, people, here we go. You can read the rest of my reviews for this season here, if you want.

THE WALKING DEAD, SEASON TWO, EPISODE SEVEN
"Pretty Much Dead Already"

Oh, and from this point on: Here there be SPOILERS!

You've been warned

Ok, so, in a nutshell, this episode encapsulates absolutely everything that is wrong with this show. All flash and no substance. All show and no go, ya'know?

Maybe that’s a bit harsh. I mean, it’s undeniable at this point that since firing the ENTIRE season one writing staff and then turning around and giving Frank Darabont the boot, the show has gotten better. It was the right idea. AMC recognized that the previous season had some issues and made an effort to correct them and taking these actions have resulted in a dramatic rise in quality with each successive episode (for the most part…). There have definitely been some cool moments.

That being said, all those folks they used to replace the fired ones?

They are only marginally better.

Which means, instead of ridiculously, embarrassingly bad and overwrought and completely lacking focus, it’s now merely boring and pedestrian and seemingly unaware of its lack of complexity. Now, some would say that the writers are simply making the best of a bad situation, responding to the fall out of things put in place before their time. And sure, I can see that, to an extent, but here’s where that theory starts to leak…

The season arc (or at least, it's intention) isn't the problem.

It's just fine in fact. It's a good goal. Look, here's how it should go: In Buffy, a season’s arc would be something like exploring Buffy’s first love and her first heartbreak and to tie that—both literally and metaphorically—into the story of Angel losing his soul and “going bad”. Now, compare that to this season’s arc of The Walking Dead, which was—as I see it—Sophia goes missing, so the group looks for her while trying to stay safe on the farm and metaphorically tie all that into the characters’ realization that the world has become harder and meaner and lost it’s innocence. Now wait, you say, both of those sound pretty alright. I mean, sure, the Walking Dead's might be a little more clunky and heavy-handed, but hey, Buffy was a superior show. So, what’s the problem?

Well, let's take a looksie...

The problem lies in the wetwork, the stuff in close, the character moments, the dialogue, the little in between bits that lie between the framework that Darabont erected and that the new writing staff may or may not have been helpless before and forced to deal with.

The problem is: All of that stuff is poorly done.

This episode starts with off with Glenn finally telling the rest of the group about the walkers in the barn. The rest of the episode has everyone hemming and hawing around, doing nothing, arguing nonsense and killing time, while Shane tries desperately to point out the obvious truth of what needs to be done, and why, to the gigantic herd of idiots. All of this culminates in Shane, fed up with the group's stupidity and unable to take it anymore, boiling over when he sees Herschel and Rick trying to drag two more zombies into the barn, so he instead releases the whole lot of them and then he and the others shoot all of the zombies down. Problem solved.

But then...

But then, one last zombie comes out of the barn and it’s Sophia. Oh, the pathos. Pathos, sorrow and sadness. Rick shoots her down and… roll credits.

Powerful, huh?

Not really.

Here's why: Who the fuck is Sophia?

This moment might have meant something, if Sophia had spoken more than maybe a dozen lines in the first season or appeared in maybe more than four or five minutes of the first episode this season, which is the last time we ever saw her. Sure, we know she’s Carol’s daughter, we know they’ve been looking for her, and anyone with half a brain can see that they’re trying to re-do (poorly) the same theme that they lumbered into last season (poorly):

The world has been horribly and irrevocably changed.

What? In a zombie apocalypse?

Shocker...

And just like the previous season, they fumbled it. First off, the shock is somewhat diluted because they’ve already pulled the “shoot a little kid” heart-string and they did it in the very first minutes of the very first episode. Secondly, because they just took too damn long to kill off a character we don't know at all. Maybe if they had kept Sophia around for even one more episode and had her actively participating even a little bit, maybe they could have made her a character we cared about more than just in a vague “nobody wants to see a little kid shot” kind of way.

You know what else might have made the moment better?

Carl should have put her down, not Rick, and for two reasons. One, like I said, Rick’s already shot a kid. Two, it could have been what is sometimes known as a: “character moment”. It could have been used as a signal that Carl is entering this world before the adults are able to, or even capable of, that he's surrendering his childhood prematurely, and that would have been a sad thing and more in line with the greater theme they were aiming for, and it would have been a hell of a lot more of a gut punch than just having him swear while talking to Shane, which is what they did instead…

Even better, imagine if it had been Carl in that barn...

That would have been something, because bottom line: When you kill a character that matters, people sit up and take notice (Game of Thrones). When all you do is kill off glorified redshirts, only the stupid get swept up.

Now, was the whole shoot-out at the end cool? Yeah, it was great fun and like always, it looked great too. But like the herd scene, like the well zombie, like Shane and Andrea in the suburb or whatever, a handful of awesome does not make up for all of the lackluster character moments, the go-nowhere wheel-spinning plots, and the terrible (and often repeated in the same episode) soliloquies.

Of course, this dumb plot isn’t just the show’s fault. The whole Hershel/"zombies are just sick" thing is from the comic and it was just as stupid there, too. I mean, I get it, let’s say Hershel is mentally ill.

Let's say that he had a mental break when his wife zombiefied. That’s understandable. He couldn’t kill her or his step-son, so he lost it and locked them in the barn instead, deluding himself that they’re just sick and that they’ll be cured someday. Ok, fine. Got it. It can happen. I'll accept that.

But what’s everyone else’s excuse?

All those other people on the farm? What the fuck? I mean, I love the elder males in my family. I respect them, I listen to them. They’re good people. But if, say... one of them wanted me to wrangle a rabid dog into the garage instead of shooting a very dangerous and contagious animal that is threatening our family? I would tell them to shut their mouth and pull their stupid old head out of their stupid old ass. The problem with Hershel’s stance (and his family’s acquiescence to it) is that it is just so God damn stupid. It’s so blatantly wrong, there's no way you can empathize with him. It just becomes annoying and that gets in the way of enjoying the show. Is it possible that people could have the same reaction he does? Is it possible that people could do the same thing he does?

Yes, of course it's possible… BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GOOD TV!!!

Because it most definitely is not. The audience--especially myself--just sits there and looks at the reality of the show and listens to the crap Hershel says and watches Rick put up with it… and it’s just annoying. You just sit there and wait for it to be done and hope for a better storyline and that is the problem with the show in a nutshell, for me.

I’m watching it and the whole time, I’m just waiting for a better storyline. And at this point, I don’t think it’s coming.

Look at what they do with Shane in this episode.

Here’s how it works. Basically, every time Shane opens his mouth, he’s right.

1. He left a comatose Rick behind, because he weighed his options and realized he couldn’t save Rick, his family and himself, so he had to choose and only an asshole could see it any differently.

2. He said it was a bad idea for Rick to go back for Meryl and it was for every reason you could think up. Meryl was a junkie, degenerate, racist redneck asshole, who may not have deserved to die, but he certainly was a threat to the group. Plus, it took much needed guns away from the camp, which they ended up needing when zombies attacked and people died.

3. He realized that there was no way he and Otis could get away and thus, save Carl (who Otis so irresponsibly shot—if he was close enough to see the deer, he was close enough to see Carl), so he put Otis down. A cold choice, but he weighed the lives of his loved ones against a stranger. It’s not a fun choice, but in a zombie world? It was the right one.

4. He was right about Sophia being dead. Of course she was dead. It was just too impossible for her to get that lost in so short a time in such a small area so close to a highway. Especially when you add zombies to the mix. Even without zombies, after 72 hours you’re not looking for a kid, you’re looking for a body and he knew that staying in one place so long only put the group in danger and as it ended up, it was only through his direct action did they avoid a repeat of the zombie camp attack.

5. He wanted to put down the walkers in the barn, because they're dangerous, despite what Hershel wanted, because Hershel is a stupid old crazy asshole. Shane realizes this because a. Hershel had a barn full of walkers. And b. Hershel wanted the main characters, a group that consisted of basically EXTREMELY nice and helpful and well-armed people, to move on and leave him in the middle of nowhere, with just his old ass (who doesn't "like" guns), a boy, a girl, and two women that he doesn’t let do anything… What about running the farm long term? What was his plan in case of attack? Shane saw all of this and said: “Why would anyone listen to the old bastard? He’s just going to get people killed.” And he was right… as evidenced by all of the family members he had in the barn…

And the truly hacky part of all of this is that you can tell that the writers are trying to turn Shane into this big meanie, nothing but a loose cannon (But he gets results, you stupid chief!), one that can’t be trusted. They're trying to make him into some kind of dangerous and evil potential bad guy, but… they just keep accidentally making him into “the smart one”. You can just hear them in the writing room, too, just so fucking confused about why people don't like Rick more:

"But he's the hero...?"

Speaking of Rick, why does he even want to stay at Hershel’s farm? Hershel doesn’t “allow” them to carry weapons. He has no fences. His house is all windows. They don’t keep a watch. The only reason these people are still alive is due to the fact that somehow the zombies haven’t run across them. They're like the zombie apocalypse version of a drunk person stumbling unscathed through traffic. I mean, they live two miles from the freeway where a massive herd of zombies almost got the main characters. It is completely indefensible and unsafe, not too mention generally unfriendly. It’s only upside is the multiple wells, but shit, fat lot of good that’s gonna do you when the first floor of the house is teeming with zombies.

But I digress…

You suck You suck

You suck Ugh, you're the worst

You're cool You suck

You're alright I want to like you, but I just don't

You annoy me Who are you again?

You're not even on the show anymore. You're cool

You suck

Boooo!

And so, another season of Walking Dead lumbers in, meanders about, falls over and drags itself to its death. I really want to like this show, but I just can’t. I love the idea of tuning in each week for a bit of the zombie apocalypse. If this was good and I had Game of Thrones, maybe a Marvel Knights type show and a live action Star Wars show that was good?

Heaven, my friends. Heaven.

But no, the Walking Dead is just another V or Heroes or Terranova or Falling Skies or whatever, this is a show that the concept is something I want, adore, but the execution is something that I just can not stand. And worse yet, it's not because it doesn't adhere to my own personal vision, it's because it is bad. It is poor quality. And I feel like I’ve given the show its fair shot, more than its fair shot. 13 episodes of wheel-spinning and needless soliloquies and flubbed character moments and missed opportunities and hack banter. It's bad.

In the simplest of terms: This show sucks and when it returns in January, I won’t.

And it had so much potential too...

Walkin' on,

Jon

K3loid

2011-12-09T08:41:00.000-08:00

K3loid.

Yes, that is definitely how it's spelled.

Why? What does it mean? How is it pronounced? What is it?

I have no idea, nothing, except that it is weirdly awesome. Just watch it.

I found this at Io9.

Old Milwaukee

2011-12-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

So, most of the reason I have this blog is because I'm a bit of an OCD son of a bitch. I like to have stuff and like, put it in its spot, so that I know it's there... you know, just in case I need it. Anyway, so when it comes to videos that I like to watch over and over again, I post them here under the guise of sharing it with millions of devoted readers. But it's not about you, kids, it's about me. After all, if I've said it once, I've said it again, just to rehash the joke: this IS mine...

And here we are. Full circle

I found these over at Badass Digest today, enjoy!

Old Milwaukee... tastes as great as its name.
Jon

John Carter of Mars

2011-12-01T11:59:00.000-08:00

Edgar Rice Burroughs is the man who created Tarzan.

Perhaps lesser known, he is also the creator of the pulp adventurer: John Carter. Carter is a Civil War veteran and later a gold prospector who, when wounded and dying after an attack by Apaches in the Arizona desert, awakens to find himself on Mars.

How?

Don't worry about it. Shit happens.

The important part is that he ends up on Mars.

He quickly discovers that, due to the lower gravity, he can jump like a crazy man and is really strong. So, naturally (being an American) he starts breaking stuff and fighting multi-armed Martians and multi-armed gorillas and maybe even a multi-armed tiger too. There's a definite evolutionary theme goin' on there... Anyway, he also meets a beautiful and butt-naked Princess by the name of Dejah Thoris and, shock of all shocks, he finds her really attractive. And it turns out, he's not the only one and as a result: War on the Red Planet. This puts John Carter on the path to becoming the warrior-savior of what the natives call Barsoom, to becoming the Warlord of Mars.

Burroughs wrote tons of books in this series, the first being Princess of Mars, and they're fun, crazy, early 20th century pulp adventures. They're a great time, but just distinctively weird because they're a product of both the time and Burrough's wild imagination. Because of all this, the John Carter of Mars series is one of those projects that most level-headed geeks consider better left alone by Hollywood.

But Lord knows they can't do that, so...

Hmmm... I'll admit it, it looks pretty good. It looks really good, actually. Dejah Thoris is notably NOT butt-naked, but hey... can't win 'em all, I guess... Anyway, at first glance, I am kind of interested. The end product, the dialogue, the acting, the story adaptation, it might all turn out to be terrible, time will tell, but right now it looks promising. Or at least fun.

Here's hoping,
Jon Hansen of Minnesota

The Walking Dead: Season Two, Episode Five and Six: Chupacabre and Secrets

2011-11-26T11:54:00.000-08:00

I was reviewing one episode at a time this year, grimly slogging through each one, each week. But I fell a bit behind--nearly two weeks behind--so this week you're getting a special treat. Two episodes! Two reviews! One blog post! We're making the mold here, people, and then we're breakin' it! Ka-pow! Look out! You can read the rest of my reviews for this season here, if you want.

THE WALKING DEAD, SEASON TWO, EPISODE FIVE AND SIX
"Chupacabre" and "Secrets"

I missed last week's review. You know why?

Because I just don't give a shit. And I don't think I'm alone either. I read a few other sites and they have been doing reviews each week, every week, just like me. But a couple of episodes ago, they started to slow down. A couple of reviewers seemed to have even stopped completely and the few who are still at it are very obviously phoning it in, because they don't seem to have much to say.

And the reason why is obvious: The show is boring.

It's true.

Just like it's true that ever since Frank Darabont's dismissal as showrunner, The Walking Dead has gotten better with each successive episode. But that's faint praise, I'm afraid, considering that 90% of the episodes before his firing were practically unwatchable and definitely go-nowhere and just plain bad, but still... yes, it has been getting better. Unfortuately in this case, the sad reality is: "better" means "boring".

Boring.

Think about that.

This is a TV show with the basic premise that the world has ended, is now over-run with zombies, and it follows a disparate band of survivors who must stay ever-vigilant or risk joining the legions of undead. The characters live like hunted animals and every day it's kill or be killed. There's terror and death and blood and guts and bullets around every corner. One wrong step and friends, family, loved ones, even they themselves could get infected and turn into a flesh-devouring zombie. The characters could be devoured by the hordes of living dead. They could be killed by any number of desperate and oppurtunistic survivors they run into, or they could just die in general, a tragic result of living life in a world that has suddenly found itself without any kind of support system at all. The tension is high.

And yet, the show is boring. How the fuck does that happen?

Here's how.

Dear Lord, please make something happen... please?

Ok, so Episode 5 is entitled Chupacabre. Why? Well, apparently the group's pet redneck Daryl claims to have seen one once... in Georgia... not Mexico... but whatever. What does this have to do with the episode?

pee-pee break

Pretty much nothing.

Oh, sure, you could say that highlighting this bit of personal history shows that Daryl is prone to hallucinations. You could say that. You could also say that highlighting this piece of personal history shows that Daryl is stupid. Both of which could, at the very least, be considered referential, as this episode focuses on Daryl. It's all about him and how he stupidly ventures out into the woods alone with a single crossbow bolt, trips, falls, and then impales himself on that very same single crossbow bolt and, due to blood loss, hallucinates that his brother Merle is taunting him in a very stereotypical rednecky way as he stumbles home delirious through a forest that is occasionally implied to be full of zombies.

"Tarnation, boy! Sassafrassin' pickup truck! Country music, yee-haw!"

Then! Oh, God! Then, just as he is about home, stupid Andrea--who's biggest character trait now seems to be that she never listens to anybody, flips out, fucks up, and then apologizes--spots him stumbling and thinks he's a walker. Everyone is like: "Don't shoot!" and they go running out there to take the zombie out quietly, you know, so they don't attract more...

See those trees waaaaay back there? That's where Andrea the Idiot is...

And Andrea, being a huge fucking dumbass, ignores everyone, waits for them to get all the way out there and discover that it's not actually a zombie, but a very injured Daryl, AND THEN... she decides to shoot. She shoots between four living people, just misses them, and actually hits Daryl. It's only a flesh wound, of course, because anything that might be out-of-left-field bad and maybe lead to some interesting consquences and story developments... that's bad..., so she doesn't kill him and nothing really comes of the moment. It's just stupid and pointless and so is she, or at least, she's written that way. Which is the real problem with the moment, in my eyes.

This is my least favorite thing ever: Girl-doesn't-know-how-to-shoot humor. Watch for it. Find some horrid, piece-of-trash, terribly written, stupid movie/TV show created by idiots for idiots and at some point, there's usually some sorority chick with a machine gun turning in a circle and screaming and shooting wild and wacky and out-of-control, bullets everywhere, maybe shooting the hero in the butt, maybe taking out the bad guys by accident. Ha! Funny murder... Cameron Diaz has done it.

Katherine Heigel has done it. Jaime Lee Curtis has done it. It's awful. It's stupid. It gets on my last nerve. It drives me insane. It's the worst.

Look at her! She doesn't even know how to hold it! WACKY!

A variation of this unbelievably stupid, sure sign of a terrible show, and the hallmark-of-a-hack-writer moment is this thing with Andrea. It half disguises itself as a "woman of power" moment, but if you look at from any kind of reality, it's actually a "girls are dumb" moment.

They had Peggy Carter do it in the Captain America movie and then put it in the trailer, over and over again, like it was the sassiest fucking thing in the history of the world! She shot at him! With a gun! What if the sheild hadn't worked? How is that funny and not completely psychotically irresponsible? George Romero even included a moment like this is Land of the Dead, where Asia Argento fires a Mini-gun at the hero and wackily takes out a zombie. A mini-gun! They can fire up to 6000 rounds a minute! 6000! Those guns turn people to mist and paste! "But as everyone knows, only a dumb girl would be soooo irresponsible." Screw you! And it's always played for humor. It's insane. It drives me insane. Ugh! I don't get it. And worst of all, no one even chastises Andrea. Everyone is like: Wah-wah-wahhhhhhh! Oh, that Andrea! Oopsey-doopsey-do!

I hate it so much, I wish they had included a scene where they yanked Andrea down off the RV and kicked the unholy crap out of her. That's how much I detest that stupid moment, I wanted them to beat the fuck out of a woman on TV. How awful is that? God, what a terrible show!

Ok, so, yeah... that was pretty much it. Sophia is STILL MISSING! Herschel is still hinting that the group should move on in the most passive aggressive ways he can. Everybody else made dinner and nothing really happened, except Hershel saw Maggie and Glen exchange a "do you want to go have sex? Mark yes or no." note. Which led to the BIG REVEAL:

Glenn decides the dark and foreshadowy barn is a good place for he and Maggie to do it, so he goes out there and discovers Herschel's secret... gasp!

Oingo-boingo was right!

What?!? He's keeping zombies in there? But why? Isn't that ridiculously stupid?

Yes. Yes it is.

Also... who the fuck is this guy?

Welcome to the show, Senor Redshirt!

Ok, so the Sixth Episode, entitled Secrets, is the big one, the second to last episode of the season, the one where all the cards are laid out on the table and all the secrets (see what they did there? So clever...) are finally revealed. It's also a big snoozefest.

Ok, so the episode opens on Glen and he's all "golly gee willickers, I can't keep a secret!" So, first he stumbles around practically wearing a sandwich board advertising the fact that he knows some secrets and then he eventually starts spilling the beans about Lori's pregnancy and the walkers in the barn to Dale, the second worst character on the show--Lori being too firmly entrenched at this point to give up that crown too easily. Dale immediately starts meddling and old-manning about, but nothing comes of it.

The two worst

Maggie gets mad at Glen for telling Dale about the barn, but nothing really comes of it. In fact they do it, I think. I might not have been totally paying attention. I do know they go into town for some stuff for Lori. This is the episode's big drama, folks: Will Lori keep the baby or not? DRAMA! You see, she sent Glenn into town to get some Morning After Pills, despite the fact that they would be completely ineffective at this point in her pregnancy, but hey... the writers can barely string together 42 minutes of coherant story, expecting them to look something up on Google is expecting too much. Anyway, Maggie is still mad at Glenn, because he thinks keeping zombies is really stupid idea just waiting to blow up, while Maggie is an ignorant moron, like her father, who thinks they're just sick or something else too stupid to bother listening to. So she goes stomping off in a huff after bitching at Glenn the milquetoast for a bit and gets attacked by a zombie.

"It hurts when I do this..." Wakka! Wakka! Wakka!

Unfortunately, Glenn saves her, but then Maggie is mad at Lori and chastises her for using "abortion pills" even though that's not what they are. DRAMA! But... nothing comes of it. Then, Rick finds the pills, as Lori is puking them up, and she ends up telling him everything, about the baby and Shane... everything. DRAMA! But don't worry, folks, nothing comes of that either.

There's a "wide stance" joke in here somewhere...

Hey, guess what? Here's a shocker. Sophie is still missing. So, in order to avoid repeating last week's storyline (too late), Shane teaches some of the others about guns, which pretty much seems to amount to him going: "See that? Shoot it. Come on! Shoot it! What's wrong with you? Shoot it!" And guess what? Stupid idiot Andrea shows that she sure can shoot, Yee-haw! She's got a cowboy hat on! So Shane takes Andrea with to go look for Sophia, but all they find are zombies. Newly dead-eye trickshooter Andrea kills a bunch and gets all gooshy in her pants afterwards, so she and Shane do it on the way home. Sexy drama! But Dale finds out and he gets mad at Shane and the two of them threaten each other, oh lordy, do they threaten each other. DRAMA AGAIN!

Luckily, nothing comes of it.

And that's it, the stage is set. The final episode is on in just a few scant days. Will it be as boring as the rest of this season? Will it be as dumb as last year's finale? Will it somehow combine the worst of both and strive for some heretofore unknown level of boring stupidity?

Good Lord, tune in next week to find out, kiddies!

Love ya,

Jon

Dragon Age: Redemption - Saarebas (Episode 6)

2011-11-22T19:07:00.000-08:00

I wasn't paying attention, so I missed the initial posting, but for those of you out there who care even less about this thing than I do and yet are somehow still interested: The sixth and final episode of the most epic of all LARPing getaway weekends is finally here! Dragon Age: Redemption, comin' in hot! Will Uber nerd-cutie Felicia Day and her stalwart posse of AD&D misfits stick the landing or will they fall flat on their collective faces, and more importantly, will there be a discernible difference between those two options?

Ha! I kid because I love.

Let's watch...

Touching. Truly, truly touching. Has there ever been a more bittersweet victory. I ask you? I know I, for one, felt it in the cockles of my heart, maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon. I don't know. The fact remains: I was touched. Moved. Single tear. Also, I love the ridiculous Bionic Woman jump there during the end. Awesome!

Alright, so that's done! Let's move on, shall we?

How about a few palette cleansers, hmmm?

Let's start with this little ditty here. This here is a G.I. Joe fan film by a fellow by the name of Mark Cheng. It stars a few old Joe favorites and then throws in a couple of surprise guest stars at the end. Sure, it's cheesey, melodramatic, over-wrought and more than a little silly, but hey... it is a G.I. Joe fan film, whattaya'want?

And continuing in that vein, next we have another fan film with a few surprise guest stars. It's called Batman: Dead End and it starts out as your basic Batman versus Joker run of the mill showdown, no big deal for the most part, except for the fact that it's the best representation of the cloth Bat suit to be put on film, but then it takes a turn and becomes kind of awesome. It's a classic fan film (and the type of idea that would kill at the box office) and even though it's from a few years ago, I still think it's one of the better put together and all around more professional looking of these type of things, even though some of the dialogue is... ahem... a bit heavy-handed. Anyway, enjoy.

And finally, here's French Batman...

Sacre Bleu, mes ami! Les Poisson! Les Poisson! Hee Hee Hee! Haw Haw Haw!

That was french...

So, yeah. Am I behind on my Walking Dead reviews? Yes. Yes, I am. But I will get to last week's episode hopefully tomorrow or maybe by Friday. Maybe. Soon, definitely. I think I deserve the slack, I mean, after all, I was early last week, remember? Right?

That's what I thought.

Anyway, keep a look out for next week, my dear Readers, because not only will I have another review up, this one for the more recent Walking Dead episode (the one from last Sunday), but I've got some updates to report on too, not to mention a new project direction to announce, so I'll have a few things to blog about. After that, it's just a quick slide into December and the last gasping breath of the year 2011 and I think all you long time readers out there know what that means, right?

End of the year lists.

They're coming.

Try to contain yourselves,
Jon

The Walking Dead: Season Two, Episode Four: Cherokee Rose

2011-11-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

I'm reviewing one episode at a time this year, grimly slogging through each one, each week. You can read my reviews of the season so far here, if you want.

THE WALKING DEAD, SEASON TWO, EPISODE FOUR
"Cherokee Rose"

Well, that was a whole lot of not much, wasn't it?

Now, the first thing you may notice is that it is not Sunday and yet, I'm putting up my review of last week's episode. Why a day early, you ask? No reason really. They did the crime and I got the time, I guess. Plus, this episode was really boring and went nowhere, so let's just get this done, shall we?

Wait... Who's Sophia again?

Ok, so this episode finds our stalwart band of snoozers doing much the same thing as they have been for the last few episodes... nothing. The others have finally given up on looking for Sophia while camping on the highway. They leave her a sign, but since she has been lost for the better part of the week in two or three square miles of forest RIGHT NEXT TO A FREEWAY, she's probably too dumb to read, so whatever. Meanwhile, Lori and Rick chat with Carl, when he occasionally wakes up and says something touching, and when he's asleep, Rick agonizes dramatically--jaw firmly set--while Lori makes cry-face. Christ, what terrible parents, right? They only have two kids with them and one is now missing and the other is shot.

Anyway, Shane is feeling generally guilty for murdering Otis, probably because he is forced to wear Otis's old clothes while his are washed. This fact, coupled with his newly shaved head and gigantic ears, makes him look like Lennie Small from Of Mice and Men.

"Rabbits, you say? Tell me more..."

Daryl, meanwhile is off lone-wolfing it for the missing girl... still. He finds an empty house and some evidence that someone may have been hiding out in there and also... wait for it... a Cherokee rose.

A Cherokee Rose? But that's the title of the episode! How clever!

Anyway, he then gives it to Sophia's mom as a kind of moral booster and tells her the story of the flower's relevance to the Trail of Tears, which to be honest, was a nice little moment, but two tears in a bucket, know what I'm saying? The really stupid part of this whole sub-plot--at least to me--is: His crossbow only has one bolt. That's not a very good weapon at this point, right? Sigh...

"I'm a'gonna kill me one zombie... and then die..."

Ok, so everyone has now moved to Hershel's farm and they're all camping out in the unprotected yard, because Hershel doesn't like strangers that he's known for days and invited to stay with him... so he wants them to move on when Carl is better. Rick asks if they can stay, and maybe even move into the barn and Hershel quickly changes the subject (FORESHADOWING!!!!) and then changes his mind and let's them stay... for now. Which then leads to the dumbest cool moment yet on a show that seems to specialize in really dumb cool moments.

What's the other end tied to? A Buick?

How many wells are there on Hershel's farm?

There are five.

Five, you say?

Yes, five, they clearly say five.

That's a lot.

That's right, it is. There's one for the house and four for fuck-if-I-know.

Wow, which one is closest to the cluster of tents the characters have set up in a random corner of the lawn and could easily move to a different spot?

That would be the one with the soggy and bloated zombie at the bottom.

Oh yeah? I guess they better drag it out of there, then... but wait, how are they gonna do that?

"Guys? Guys? This might've been a REALLY stupid idea!"

They have this whole stupid discussion about how they need to get the thing out of there BEFORE it contaminates the water, as if the very idea that a dead, rotting and bloated piece of possibly highly contagious meat isn't enough to forever befoul a well in the first place. And the crazy part is they just said there were five wells and yet no one suggests just walking over to a different one. It's insane and illustrates exactly what is wrong with this show.

1. There are easily viable and readily apparent and completely safe alternatives available.

2. It's completely unnecessary and no rational person, even in this insane situation would choose this course of action.

3. It's fake drama. It's contrived. Like a jump scare in a slasher movie, you're only tense because of the rising music, not because there's any actual drama at play.

4. But hey, at least the effects are awesome.

"You know that hat is too small for you, right?"

So then, after being well-zombie bait, Glenn has to make a run into town for supplies with nubile farmer's daughter, Maggie (who decides to wear a really stupid looking comboy hat special for the trip). Now, according to the other characters, Glen was chosen to make the supply run because of his ability to get "in and out" of places...

"So that's what they look like..."

Ah, yeah... a little side-boob and some implied consensual sensual in the abandoned remnants of a post-apocalyptic Hardware store. How romantic! So, Glenn's frown is turned upside down and the sun sets on another go nowhere episode of the Walking Dead. We finish off with Lori sneaking out in the middle of the night, going out into a field, seemingly without any concern for zombies, instead of just using the goddamn bathroom... in order to take a pregnancy piss test, where--shock of shocks--we learn she's pregnant and that we, the viewers, now must endure the storyline where we pretend like it matters, and that we care, who the father is.

Boooooooo!

And speaking of story lines no one with a brain wanted to see re-visited, Merle (played by the excellent Michael Rooker) was glimpsed in the preview for the next episode.

Remember him? He was a real handy guy... See what I did there?

So, is it a flashback? Will next week's episode focus on the group's pet redneck, better brother of, and official initial stand-in for Merle, Daryl? Or is Merle and his ridiculously over-the-top, more than tedious and stupidly stereotypical brand of racism back to plague the group with nonsense we'd all rather not see?

Ewwwwww!

Tune in Sunday to find out, kids.

Jon

Dragon Age: Redemption - Mercenaries (Episode 5)

2011-11-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

The fifth episode of Dragon Age: Redemption is here!

The fifth episode of Dragon Age: Redemption is here!

And let me assure you, people, it is a doozy! Motivations are revealed! Sword swings are carefully choreographed! Felicia Day quips! Have you been waiting? Are you excited? Well, the wait is over, my friends, so hang on to your butts, because you may have a whole seat, but you'll only be using the edge!

Let's watch...

Wow! That fight was pretty intense, huh? That was like an episode of Star Trek the Next Generation or some shit, right? That was some Broadway shit right there, I'm telling you. West side... story! And who would have thought they ALL had a dark past? Not me, I'll tell you that much right now, that's for sure.

I'm sorry, I kid.

I kid because I love. Really.

Oh, Felicia Day, you mean so well...

So, on that note, here's a little bit of surprise awesome:

Hmmmmm... Interesting, right?

I like the design, the look, the trolls, the monsters and the fighting and the milky queen and all that. Thor looks pretty cool and Charlize Theron seems ready to chew some scenery... So, that's all good. On first glance, it appears as if this might be something kind of cool. Of course, it's also important to remember that it stars Kristen Stewart as well, so let's not get too hyped up. I mean, the Hair-tucker can suck the life out of a project faster than... well... I don't know... the small faced guy from Twilight, maybe, I guess. Whatever, point is, she's terrible.

Hopefully the film can survive her, because it looks fun.

Jon

The Walking Dead: Season 2, Episode Three: Save the Last One

2011-11-06T14:11:00.000-08:00

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! There's a new episode of the Walking Dead on TV tonight, which means it's about that time again, time to post my review for last week's episode. I'm reviewing one episode at a time this year, grimly slogging through each one, each week. You can read the other reviews here, if you want.

THE WALKING DEAD, SEASON TWO, EPISODE THREE

"Save the Last One"

So what's the verdict in a nutshell?

Another week, another episode with a marked improvement in quality.

This only adds fuel to the question I posed last week: Was Frank Darabont ultimately the problem? With two Frank-less episodes now in the bag, I gotta tell you, people, all signs point to yes. I'm not claiming these last two episodes have been genius, because they haven't, they fall far, far short of that mark, but regardless there is just no denying the very apparent fact that since Frank left, each episode has been better than the last. Better pacing. Better dialogue. Better storytelling all around.

I mean, there is still a ridiculous amount of scenes where the characters are merely waiting patiently for their turn to speak so they can step to center stage and deliver the biggest, most bombastic and ham-fisted soliloquy's in the history of man, but then... that's a definite hallmark of Robert Kirkman, maybe complaining that the characters on Walking Dead deliver too many uber-heartfelt speeches is akin to complaining that water is too wet. So there's that again, of course.

But hey, at least Lori didn't do anything too crappy this episode, right?

That's a plus, right?

So, this episode jumps ahead of last week's cliffhanger, effectively killing the tension and leaving viewers with one burning question: Why is Shane shaving? Also, what happened to Otis?

Is there anyone out there who can't guess?

Before we get into that, though, let's talk about the two major problems with this episode, otherwise known as the reason why, even though this was one of the show's better episodes, it still wasn't a very good episode of TV, or how this episode is more akin to a really good episode of V, instead of, say... a regularly awesome episode of Fringe.

To begin: The beginning.

What does the beginning tell us right off the bat?

Shane lives.

As it very obviously takes place in the present, that means he must have survived the hub-bub at the high school. Also, as he looks at himself in the mirror, one can't help but notice from his movements and facial expressions that he looks a little... hmmm... Shocked? Stunned? Conflicted? Horrified? So, what does that tell us? How about that maybe some mistakes were made and now someone is dead? But who? Well, remember the head shaving thing? Ask yourself, does he have lice? ...No. No, he does not. Wait a minute... head shaving is often seen as a form of penance, right? Couple that with the idea that someone could be dead and what do you get?

Shane lives. Otis doesn't.

You only have to be faster than the slowest guy...

See, this is why a flashback like this is a stupid, hacky narrative device. With just half a brain and a little bit of paying attention, you know what happens in the story. You may not know how exactly, but you still know. It's the same problem The Prequels had (one of them, at least...) and that is, because of the narrative set up, we knew exactly what happens to every character, except for Mace Windu, but since he was the only character we didn't know what happened to, we end up knowing by default (He died). It's hacky, because here's what the writers were playing off of: In the comic, Otis survives this part, while Shane is long dead. They know the audience is looking for Shane's death, so they were trying to "rip the rug out from under us" ala Ned Stark. However, by showing us the end, we can all rest comfortably knowing that Shane makes it. The question of how Otis dies isn't a burning one because he's new and no one cares.

More on Shane and Otis later.

Let's move on to problem number two, or as I like to call it: Everybody else.

You people bore me.

Dale is still standing on the roof of the RV, spouting off generic old-man-isms and looking through his binoculars, even though he didn't see the last herd of zombies until they were 30 feet away. Carol is still useless. Hey lady? Your stupid daughter (who never does anything) is missing, how about you quit sobbing and start leading the search yourself? Take action! And what the fuck is with the stupid missing daughter? She ran into some woods that are right next to a fucking highway, right next to it! This is America! She's in some woods right next to a highway and she's been lost for days! DAYS! Really? Christ, maybe she deserves to be dead... And Andrea is soooo mopey, so whiny, so stomp-around-hissy-fitty. Oh, are you sad? Are you still weighing whether or not you want to live or not? Oh, please, remind us of this some more. Oh, poor baby... Kill yourself! And Daryl? As fun as it is to see him kill zombies, he's done nothing, but fake snark.

Oh, my god! Glenn did something! Everybody! Everybody! Glenn did something! He went to Hershel's farm with T-Dog (...I know, I mean... what the fuck? T-Dog? Come on). Anyway, he and "T-Dog" drove to the farm to offer help during Carl's surgery. Then they sat down on the porch and hung out. And cried a little. I may have fallen asleep there for awhile. There was chatting.

Oh, look. Rick and Lori are having a prolonged heart-to-heart. "Should we try to save our child or is it better to let him die?" That was their argument. Guess what they picked? Yep, that's how tense and dramatic it was too. This was the soliloquy part... on and on and on. Oh so bland. Oh so boring.

Back to Shane.

So, all the fun stuff is back at the hospital, with the zombies and the guts and the bang-bang-bang. Shane and Otis have been all over the place trying to ditch the zombies at their heels, they've saved each other, they've beaten back dozens of walking dead, and at the end they're both hurt, hobbled, and worn the fuck out. So, they're limping across the parking lot, almost completely out of ammo, the zombies closing in... and Shane makes a choice.

He shoots Otis in the leg and leaves him behind.

"Ow! Owwwwie! Ow! Ow-ow-ow-ow! Ow!"

And this is why Shane is the best character, not because he's such a great guy, but because he is not sometimes. He's complex and conflicted and does awful things for good reasons. Carl is kind of his son, you see, and the kid needs the gear they have or he will die. Otis is the man who shot Carl, accident or no accident. To Shane, the choice between Carl and Otis, is no choice at all. He didn't do it because he's evil, he feels bad about it, he did it because he's a survivor and surviving can mean having to do some ugly things.

So why the head shaving? Well, personally, I think the writers are trying desperately to understand the appeal of Shane that they have accidentally created and they are turning (admittedly rightly so) to Walter White from Breaking Bad (played by the great Bryan Cranston). My proof of this theory is the fact that this would technically be the second Breaking Bad reference, after the appearance of Walter's infamous blue meth in Daryls' brother Meryl's (Yes, they did do that) stash in the previous episode. So basically, Walter has had to make some decisions, some bad decisions, some horrible decisions and all for what started out as a noble goal. Shane is the same, so I think the writers are going to try to mirror that character's path. Unfortunately, I'm expecting that they are probably only really capable of the surface details, so the head shaving is happening, because Walter shaved his head too.

Also, probably because it looks bad ass.

So, to sum up, some ups, more downs, but looking better. Good, but still not great. The big problem now? After tonight, the season is half over. Can the last four episodes right the ship and make it a season worth watching or--gasp!--dare we hope? One worth revisiting?

Time will tell, my friends, time will tell.

Watch where you're walking,
Jon

Hulk vs. Ewok

2011-11-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

As terrible as the Internet is--and it is terrible--there are still many, many things out there that are, quite frankly, nothing but pure genius and love. I bring you one of those things now.

Yes, the title is correct.

Watch it.

Love it.

My apologizes for not crediting whomever it was that created this staggering work of brilliance. I don't know who you are, but rest assured, I think you're awesome.

Your BFF,
Jon

Dragon Age: Redemption - Nyree (Episode 4)

2011-11-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well... Episode four. Let's have a little look-see, shall we?

SHALL WE?

You have to respect people for doing stuff like this. You have to respect the effort. To have the desire, the drive, and the discipline to see it all through to the end? It's no small thing and it deserves some applause in its own right.

But... good lord.

I mean, wow. I've watched four of these now and some... ok, most... ok, pretty much all of it is just... wow. Right? The exposition around the table? First of all, what the hell was that Reaver lady even saying? I couldn't pick up half of it. Secondly, why would anyone care? Why should we? I am loathe to get all critique-y on something Felicia Day is responsible for, because she's awesome, but I feel so far removed from the stakes of this thing. I mean, what are we here for? The characters have their oft-stated motivations, but shit, man, it just seems so unimportant, so distant and insignificant. And the fights don't even come close to redeeming the snail's pace dialogue and plot. They're the worst part. They're painful. I'll be honest, at this point, I'm only sticking around because I've spent so much time on this thing already.

But oh well, right? Whatta ya' gonna do? It is what it is. You gotta love the guy with the big hammer though, right? Hilarious. Imagine living in a world where someone would bring something like that into your house, because it's theirs. They just walk around, lugging a giant cinder block with them... It's ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

The funny part is, I bet there are folks out there who are just digging the shit out of this series, too. I'm not going to bother, but I bet if I spent just a little time looking, I'd find them. Probably legions of them. And they probably love the shit out of it. I don't understand it and I am constantly shocked by just how low some of the genre community's acceptable quality standards are, but good for them, I guess, love what you love. Right? We all have our weaknesses, our own bad tastes despite clear evidence to the contrary, our bad choices despite apparent common sense.

Myself, for example.

It will soon be my birthday and on that date I will officially be older than dirt. And the plan for the big night goes like this: Little Ms. Super-cute Wife and I will first go to Manny's Steakhouse, because it's delicious. And then, we will be going to this...

Is it going to be ridiculous?

Most likely, yes.

Will I love the shit out of it?

Fuck yeah.

Jon

The Scribblerati

2011-11-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

Hi-Ho, kids! I'm over at the Scribblerati and I'm blogging about a big personal announcement. It's big. It's new and boy, oh boy, is it exciting. Although, admittedly, it may be one some of you more eagle-eyed readers might have noticed already.

Unsure?

Well swing on over to the Scribblerati and find out.

Don't be left out of the fun!

Jon

The Walking Dead: Season 2, Episode Two: Bloodletting

2011-10-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

Here we are again, folks, it's time to make the doughnuts, another week, another episode of The Walking Dead. I'm going to be reviewing them one at a time this year, grimly slogging through each one, each week. You can read the other reviews here, if you want.

So, nearly a week late yet again, with the third episode now a bare few hours away, I'm sure the big question on all of your minds is: What took you so long, Jon? The answer: None ya'. Moving on. So, the second question no doubt on your minds is probably: Was the second episode better than last week's let-down, go-nowhere snoozefest of a premiere?

Read on, my dear Blog Visitor, read on...

THE WALKING DEAD, SEASON TWO, EPISODE TWO

"Bloodletting"

Short and sweet: This was a much better episode. Still not a good episode. It still showcased all the same horrible and unnecessary bad writing and mistakes as previously noted, but it was a better all around attempt. Better pacing, better decisions, better storytelling, better moments.

How is this possible?

Well, the obvious answer is that, with the dismissal of Frank Darabont, the last vestiges of the old production house, and all the bad choices that came hand-in-hand with that house, are now gone and it's a new day on set. And it shows.

That's the obvious answer, yes, but is it an accurate one? I can't say. I don't have any behind-the-scenes information that I can personally vouch for as valid. Neither do I have anything against Frank Darabont. In fact, I'm a fan for the most part. Among his many projects, just like all of you, I really enjoyed the Green Mile and The Mist was also a pretty fun little horror flick (and if you want to make it really creepy, try watching it as the black and white version found on the two disc collector's set), so it's not like my opinion is coming from anywhere personal or whatever.

But the fact remains: For most of last season, up to the previous episode, this show has been sub-par. Actually, it's been bad. In the common parlance... it has sucked balls.

And this first episode without Darabont and the old staff?

Not great, but better, which is a good start.

The story picks up mere minutes after last week's "cliffhanger" where young Carl got shot. Turns out, it wasn't the deer who shot him, as it first appeared last week, but was actually due to another man, Otis (played by the always welcome, Pruitt Taylor Vincent).

Otis, as it turns out, lives on a farm with his girlfriend (the soon-to-be-hated-more-than-Lori) Patricia, a man named Hershel (who is a secret nutball... Shhhhh....SPOILERS), and his passel of farmy-type children, all of whom are Redshirts of the worst kind (Except for Maggie, of course, whose single-gal vagina and continuously fragile emotional state is apparently all that's needed to give current back-grounder Glenn a reason to be included in future episodes... CHARACTER SPOILER!). So, anyway, luck be the devil tonight, as Hershel is a Vet and he sets about using what skills he has to save the dying Carl.

This is something everyone is thankful for, except for Lori, of course, because whenever there is something stupid or unnecessary to say or there's fake drama to provide or someone just has to be contrary for the sake of being contrary, then Lori is the writing staff's go-to character. I don't know why, but it's true. Maybe once Rick reached her and she ceased to be an object of obtaining meant to drive the initial story arc, they forgot to give her another, more three dimensional purpose, but whatever. It doesn't matter. The point is, in a show of generally poorly written characters, Lori is the worst of the bunch, without a doubt, not just poorly written, but inconsistent and scattershot to boot. She's awful. Anyway, Lori screams at Hershel for becoming a Vet instead of a Doctor, I guess, or something, like I said, she makes no sense ever. And then, even worse, nothing happens with her big snit-fit. She flips out and then the scene just ends. We move on. Nothing is accomplished, it isn't mentioned again, nothing except the adding on to our collective and already massive "Lori Sucks" pile of hatred.

Meanwhile, one of the only interesting characters on the show, Shane (who is undeniably now mere moments from his death and removal from the show), decides to take action.

You see, Hershel needs some medical items in order to save the confusingly ungrateful Lori's only child from death by gunshot. Rick is drained both emotionally and sanguinely, as he is the only one with the same blood type as Carl. Shane and Otis are the only available gun-hands in the immediate area, as the other "characters" and Daryl are off milling about on the highway by the RV, and the only place to get the medical supplies is at the old high school, a place which has been overrun by the walking dead... or as any veteran video game players will no doubt recognize... Side Mission!

This, of course, is the best moment of the show. While Rick and Lori and them wait and the others continue to look for the little girl whose name I can't remember, since the biggest contribution she's made to the show and the comic book is getting lost in the premiere episode, Shane and Otis raid the school. And like these things always go, it starts out okay and then it spirals out of control, the episode ending with our two heroes stuck with their backs to the wall, surrounded by a horde of zombies, and screwed big time.

All in all, not a bad way to end this week's installment.

Yeah, there's a few crappy bits, but those aside, this episode showed improvement. Better pacing. Better interacting. Better character moments. Better tension. It still looks great, at least as far as the special effects are concerned, but then, it always does. More importantly, this episode, for the first time in a long time, finally looked more like a show that I would like to keep watching.

We'll see how tonight goes.

Fingers crossed.

Jon

Dragon Age: Redemption - Josmael (Episode 3)

2011-10-25T12:40:00.000-07:00

LARPfest 2011 continues and it is a doozy, folks! Thrill to amateur mixed martial artists as they carefully telegraph their attacks! Chortle with delight at the somewhat excessive banter. Marvel at the "special" effects!

Prepare yourself, friends, for the wonder and spectacle of Episode 3: Josmael!

So... was it me or did they stroll through a field of marijuana at one point?

Anyway, after years of watching different movies and TV shows and things like this on the web, I've figured out that there's one thing that will always and unerringly tip you off right away as to the level of quality of the thing you are about to watch. What's that one thing, you ask?

Lighting.

Here's a hint for all you DIY filmmaking mother fuckers out there working on your little indy movies and webisodes and most likely ridiculously cliched and completely unnecessary horror flicks and what not, but if you light your production like they do in this series or like on old sci-fi TV shows or any number of low budget, straight-to-DVD films, then you are making a low quality product. This is maybe the one thing that will always trump story and acting and directing right at the start.

Meaning: it doesn't matter how good you are at everything else, if your movie looks like it was shot on a camcorder in a friend's backyard, even if it's a really nice camcorder in a really nice backyard, then well, sorry, but you suck.

I know it's expensive, but really, folks, the old adage is true: You get what you pay for. Know what I mean? Because after watching tons of these things, let me assure you, professional grade Lighting is worth every penny. Every penny. Take my word for it as a quasi-professional connoisseur. Your first step should be to write a good script, but your second one should be Lighting. Then you need a good camera, of course... but I digress. Honestly, I think good lighting is that one bit of unheralded professionalism that will instantly move your film from something that is automatically considered to be pedestrian to something that might be considered worthwhile, depending upon your talent level, of course. That's on you. But hey, at least with good lighting you can showcase your ability on a stage it deserves and sink or swim based on your own merit, instead of being discarded for looking like crap right out of the gate.

Just a friendly tip from me to you, kids.

Well, so anyway, that was fun. Hey, how about some good fan-art, you know, just to clear your palette? Check out this awesome fan-made poster for Drive.

Fantastic. That's some sweet fan-art, folks.

Later,
Jon

The Walking Dead: Season 2, Episode One: What lies ahead...

2011-10-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Hey there!

Alright, so, it's that time of year again and this time I've decided to try to review this season of The Walking Dead as each episode comes out, instead of doing it all in two big shots, like I did last year. Here's Part One and here's Part Two, if you need the refresher. Don't get me wrong, I liked last year's recap and while it's not as big a hit-count draw as the legendary siren song of this little baby here, it certainly brings in some respectable numbers of its own, internationally even... But just one episode at a time? I figure that's just easier to digest. See, what I'm doing is, I'm thinking of you, my dear and constant Readers, I'm trying to consider your feelings. No big deal. That's just me. You can thank me at your own convenience.

Unfortunately, I'm already off like a herd of turtles, as the first episode aired last Sunday night and the latest episode aired... oh... last night. This is a portent of things to come, my friends, take heed. I don't have cable, so I'll be downloading them, which means I'll be at least a little late each week. I hope you can deal.

Anyway...

THE WALKING DEAD, SEASON TWO, EPISODE ONE

"What lies ahead..."

The joke is readily apparent:

"If this is what lies ahead, then this is going to be a somewhat lackluster season..."

If you're anything like me and you've been reading my blog for awhile, then I'm sure you know all about The Walking Dead. You'll also probably remember that while I thought the pilot episode of the first season was really well done, well paced, creepy and cool and a really good mix of the comic's storyline and original content, I also felt like the rest of the season very quickly dove head first into crap city... and then it wallowed there. And oh, how it wallowed, people! I was flabbergasted at how much time they wasted on nonsense and dead-ends and red shirts. They had six hours of TV, six hours to tell a story and set up their world, and they failed. At least, in my opinion. And I wanted it to be good, too. The season finale was such a complete narrative waste of time though, so ridiculously ham-fisted, uninteresting, unimportant, and not in the least bit cool, gory, or scary, that I almost wrote the show off entirely.

But then the trailer for the second season came out.

Not bad, right? It actually looks kind of good, right? But then so did the run up to the first season. There does seem to be some really tense moments going on there, so maybe this here, coupled with the news that Frank Darabont fired all the writers from last season and the news that AMC then turned around and fired Frank Darabont... maybe the show could be getting on track finally. Maybe the problems were noticed and the ship has been righted? Maybe?

Nope.

Now, in all fairness, it should be stated that this episode was Frank's last one, basically the reason that he was fired. Word around the campfire has it that this season's premiere ran at an extended length not just because it was the premiere, but because it was actually two different episodes torn apart and welded together. Also, the premiere was written by creator Robert Kirkman, which could be considered a good thing, because he's pretty awesome and a great comic book writer, despite his tendency to get a little hammy when it comes to dialogue, except for the fact that the last episode Robert wrote was the horrible fourth episode from last season: Vatos. So, we're off to a bad start before we even begin...

Then I watched the episode.

The story picks up a few moments/days after the brain-numbingly bad final episode last year. The survivors are leaving Atlanta, at least until they get caught in a traffic jam, and then a massive herd of zombies show up, forcing them to hide among the wrecked vehicles.

As the herd shuffles by, the little girl of the group panics and runs and then the group has to look for her... for about 40 minutes. They don't find her. Then they see a big deer and the episode ends with SPOILER! Carl gets shot! Duh! Duh! DUUUUH!

It was slow, boring, and even though it went nowhere, it was all over the place.

It wasn't horrible, mind you, but it wasn't good either. It looked great, of course, but it always does. There are some great effects and it had that one pretty good traffic jam/herd of dead set piece, but otherwise the episode was slow. Slow, slow, slow and unfocused. What was it even about? What's the episode's arc? Things happened, sure, but nothing "happened", know what I mean? Sure, sure, there were some awkward attempts at character interaction and development going on, but it was on the level of TV writing akin to a nervous 14 year old boy going in for a kiss and then chickening out. Shit, man, a little light petting does not a sex-date make, you know? It wasn't real enough. It wasn't deep enough. It wasn't backed by enough emotional motivation. It was all together, not enough.

The traffic jam and the herd of dead was great, don't get me wrong, it was definitely cool looking, but you know what would have made it unbelievably awesome? If I had cared, even a little bit, about any of the characters. As it is now, they're nothing but hollow mouthpieces waiting for their turn to go on and on and on about who cares what in a really melodramtic fashion. In this episode alone, no less than three different characters had a heart to heart with a giant crucifix in a church they come across while looking for the little girl. Three different characters? And all of them basically saying the same hammy thing? Can you say: Waste of screen time? Robert Kirkman can, I assure you, and it takes him forever to do it, too. How come no one looked at this and thought. "Hmmm... You know what? All this wasted screen time could be used for some meaningful character development instead."

At this point, I think it's a good thing Darabont was let go.

It's funny, because I don't get mad about the characters making stupid decisions (ok, it bugs me a little bit), but what really drives me up a wall is how annoying and haphazard and inconsistent the characters are and it's all due to the subpar writing. Take Lori, for instance? (Please...)

She's the worst. The absolute worst. She hasn't done anything of substance in seven hours of show. She makes no sense, says the stupidest shit and whines and whines and whines. How two guys fell in love with her, I have no idea. And her worst moment yet was in this episode. They're stuck in the traffic jam and everyone is about to go scavenge for supplies and food and gas, you know, things that they desperately need and she goes, all whiny: "This place is a graveyard. I don't like this." Why? Why would you say that? They've been living in a graveyard for months! For months!

Lori, and this moment in particular, is the perfect example of what is wrong with the show, of where it fails. She says this stupid bullshit and the other characters don't pursue the discussion or remind her that the whole world is a graveyard or even acknowledge that she even said anything in the first place(which is probably the most realistic response, if they were real people and stuck living with stupid Lori...). No, instead it's just a piece of shit throw-away line, no value, no meaning, no worth toward the greater story, no point at all. It's just wasted nonsense and hollow bullshit, like you can just hear some pissy little weiner in the writers' room with his pinched little lemon face, wearing his stupid little rectangle glasses and carefully picked out vintage tees, feeling faux-deep and pseudo-literary one day, saying:

"How comes these characters don't acknowledge all the horribleness?"

Or something to that effect...

And instead of everyone yawning or throwing things at his stupid little pinhead, or making him explain himself, thus exposing his bullshit, they wrote in this one half-ass limp-dick line as if it's anything, as if it's an actual real moment, as if it's some kind of emotional exploration of the characters.

Hacks.

It's funny, at this point, the only good characters on the show are the ones who aren't supposed to be there--at least, as far as the original story is concerned. Shane is the only one with any depth, with any inner conflict, with any motivation. And besides Shane, Darryl is the only other character who ever makes any good decisions. I don't know why this is, it's not like the writing is particularly better with the two of them. I assume it's just an accident. That somehow their backstories naturally provide extra layers of character that even this show's writing staff can't fuck up or something... heh, funny. Not funny-ha-ha, more like unemployed clown getting an empty beer can throw at his head while trudging home funny, so more funny-sad, I guess...

The really sucky part is that I wanted this show to be awesome and fun and scary and cool, and it's just not. And there's no reason why it has to be either. But there's no use denying it, the show just isn't very good. Of course, it was also the most watched basic cable premiere in the history of ever, so what the fuck do I know, right?

I entered into this season with trepidation. I really liked how last season started and I hated where it ended, but the trailer for this season gave me some hope. Unfounded hope, for the most part, as it turned out, as I found this episode to be pretty weak and slow and generally without much going on. Basically, if things stay like this, I may not make it through the whole season.

And I still think this guys sucks...

Yours,

Jon

Dragon Age: Redemption - Cairn (Episode 2)

2011-10-20T10:37:00.000-07:00

Here is Part Two of these things, starring professional nerd Felicia Day as a sassy elf tumbler. Part One can be found here. Yes, I know this series is silly, silly looking too, like Xena and Star Trek had several gangly, socially awkward babies and those babies grew up to become a bunch of LARPers with disposable cash who liked to spend their weekends out at a buddy's Grandpa's field with a video camera and an abandoned Ren Faire costume trailer, but what can you do? It's an "adventure" web-series set in a video game's world, so I think it's safe to assume that the super cool quality boat has already set sail, my friend.

Anyway, for your viewing pleasure...

Come on! He can do what? What can he do? What was that? Was that one of those hairspray in the palm fireball tricks? Those exist, right? Or did I dream it up? Ooooooh, damn you, cliffhanger, I need answers! Damn you to hell!

I guess I'll just have to wait...

So, what else... Hey, I know! Do you guys want to see something that might be neat? Hmmmmmm? Well, too bad, because I'm gonna show you anyway!

Alright, alright, that looks alright, maybe. There's some cool stuff going on in there, some pretty good effects, and a little "absolute power corrupts absolutely" for the storyline... I'm interested. Looks like it could be fun.

Oh, ho-ho! How deliciously ribald!

Now, I know some folks were down on the first film, and I will concede it had some pacing problems, but... I enjoyed it. I liked Downey and Law, I think they had a good chemistry. I liked the look as well, even though I'm pretty down on steampunk in general as a (non)genre, I think it had the right balance of that kind of stuff. I also liked the interpretation of the character, not so stodgy, not so stiff, a little dramatic license, sure, but also true to Doyle's original version. All in all, a good time. Ok, yeah, sure, the drag joke sucks, sue me. I'm still gonna go see it.

Finally, this last one is one of the best things you'll see today. I love that people do this kind of thing. So, what this is, is the "sweded" version of the Avengers trailer. Watch the real version first. You can see it here. Then come back and watch this. Then laugh and laugh and laugh... Ah, good times...

Good times.
Jon

Ultimate Spider-man

2011-10-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

I suppose you've all heard by now that Spider-man is dead.

No? Do you remember now? No...? Well, alright then.

Ok, so this isn't really news, mostly because Spider-man is a fictional character, so... you know... he was never really alive in the first place, but also because, technically, it's not even true, since the character that everyone would consider as the "real" Spider-man (meaning the one created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko in August of '62) is still alive and kicking, catching thieves just like flies and appearing in at least half a dozen different titles each month. It's also not true, because the Spider-man the not-really-news news item is actually referring to is from the Ultimate Universe, which is an off-shoot, or separate, universe from the regular/"real" universe. It's kind of like an alternate history of the regular universe, familiar faces, but updated and slightly different. So, the real headline should have read: "Alternate version of Spider-man is no longer going to be used, Real Spider-man appears in at least seven different titles a month." But then, that's not very punchy and still not really a news story. It's also not a story because, as any comic fan can tell you, characters die in comic books all the time. I mean, all the time.

Really. It's no big deal.

It's pretty much common place and it's often used for cheap drama, especially in alternate universe stories (or in the common parlance, Elseworld or What if... stories) where things are generally dark and wacky and anything goes and characters usually have eye patches and/or goatees. It's a thing, a by-product of the never-ending serial, of the revolving door of creators. Things change, the center does not hold. These days, the only folks who actually get upset about a character's death are just the really stupid long time fans, the cliches, the ones that... well... there's some personal issues going on there, and I know they can't really help themselves, but honestly, they're a good portion of the reason why the Internet sucks in the first place, but whatever... these days, when a character dies, most comic fans think:

Give it a year.

You see, there's no budget in comics. In comics, you can do anything. More importantly, in a place filled with alien races, all powerful sorcerers, ancient gods, cross-dimensional bleeds, time-traveling dictators, the ability to move faster than light, and people who wear nothing but spandex twenty-four/seven, you can undo anything. Even death.

Especially death. Death is small potatoes. For example, I'm sure you can all probably remember where you were the day Superman died... No? No one asked you. Shut up.

Anyway, DC introduced a character called Doomsday, (a cheaper, less interesting pastiche of the Hulk...) and he and Superman basically beat the ever-living tar outta each other for six or seven issues. It was a pretty big deal at the time. The end of an era. Superman was dead. Good night, sweet prince, we hardly knew ye, blah-blah, blibbety-blah-blah-quack-quack. Six pages later, he was split into four different versions of himself. A mean vigilante version, a boy version, a cyborg version, and a black guy in a suit of hi-tech armor. Turns out.... these guys were not really Superman. Also... spoiler.... Superman was not actually dead, he had simply depleted his solar energy... to death! Eventually he recovered and started fighting crime again and the only sign that he died and had probably gone to Hell (or at least Branson, Missouri) was the fact that he now had a mullet. It was terrible, terrible thing, but hey, it was the early 90s, what can I say, we didn't know any better. Those were the dark days. The people loved Achey-Breaky Heart. The people loved it. The point is: He ain't dead no more.

Remember when Captain America died?

I know you must, because pretty much every single one of you out there e-mailed me a link to the story as if, between the two of us, I was the one who wasn't aware of what was happening. Anyway, he's not dead anymore, either. You see, instead of brainwashing Cap's girlfriend Sharon Carter into shooting him with a .38 revolver, the Red Skull brainwashed her into shooting him with... I can barely type it... a time-displacement gun or something and it shoved his soul, I think, loose into the time stream and he relived some moments from his past and meanwhile, the Red Skull was busy trying to download his digitized self into Cap's empty body, I guess. I don't know. It got kind of... weird, but whatever, so anyway, Cap ended up... you know what? Forget it. Doesn't matter. He is also no longer one of the dead.

Batman died a year or so ago, you heard about that, right?

True story. Or actually, not a true story. You see, he had been hit by one of Darkseid's Omega beams which only looked like they had killed him, but they didn't. No. Even though they have always killed every one else they have hit... This time they didn't. Instead, they... uh... knocked him loose in time (It happened about the same time as Cap, too... must have been something in the water) and the corpse you see above was... um... not him... I guess... ah... I don't know. Anyway, for awhile he was a caveman with a dead bat tied around his neck and then he was a pirate for awhile. And... uh... while he was jumping back through time, he was setting up some kind of Bat cult that was supposed to trap the Joker in the future or something, but... uh... Moving on, he's not dead anymore.

Remember when Hawkeye died?

Who, you say. Well, if you've watched the Avengers trailer I posted a few days ago, you probably saw Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye, the guy with the bow. Well, Hawkeye died a few years ago, too. Blew up. Jet Pack malfunction, surprise, surprise. Anyway, when the Scarlet Witch lost her mind and used her reality warping powers to reshape the universe into a twisted mirror image of mutant domination, Hawkeye was very suddenly no longer dead, because the moment that killed him had been wiped from the timeline, I guess. Anyway, so, when the Heroes undid the damage the Scarlet Witch wrought and everything went back to normal... Hawkeye was alive again... for some reason. Anyway, now he's alive.

Did you hear about the big storyline where one of the Fantastic Four was going to die?

Long story short? It was the Human Torch. Spoilers. But guess what? He's not really dead. You know how I know? 1. Like I said before, he's a fictional character, pay attention. 2. We never actually saw him die, we only saw him get overwhelmed by Annihilus's forces in the Negative Zone and later, we weren't ever shown a body, only his ravaged uniform. So, even though everyone believes him dead, he's probably just chained to some kind of power generator or something. Also, just today, I saw an ad for a new comic that featured all four of the original members of the Fantastic Four, so... yeah, not dead.

You know the X-men, right? Well, they died too. Right after the Fall of the Mutants storyline back in the late eighties and guess what... they weren't actually dead either, they just moved to Australia...

Never mind...

Ok, so those are just a few examples, I didn't even mention the time Daredevil faked his own death and became a three card monte dealer, or the time the Flash supposedly died, but in actuality he was just running really, really, really fast for like, thirty years... I mean the list goes on and on and on and very quickly dives head-first into Soap Opera Crazy Town. Like I said: In comic books, dying is commonplace.

But guess what isn't common place.

Staying dead.

For a long time the old adage was: Nobody stays dead but Bucky, Jason Todd, and Uncle Ben. But then Bucky came back as the brainwashed soviet super assassin The Winter Soldier and eventually took over the mantle of Captain America when Cap was "dead"... of course now Bucky's dead again, but that's a whole other thing and I digress... Jason Todd came back, too, after fans voted him dead, and now he's running around, all angry and bullet-ballet as The Red Hood. So that leaves Uncle Ben. He's special, ya' see. In all the many multitudes of multi-universes, only Uncle Ben still languishes in his cold, four-color grave. Besides him, no one else ever stays dead.

Except...

Ultimate Spider-man. Ultimate Peter Parker. He's still dead. And by all appearances, it looks like he's going to stay dead. Why? He's been replaced.

Enter Miles Morales.

Spider-man is dead, long live Spider-man.

The news broke the Internet. Mostly because the Internet, and comic fans in general, are made up of stupid morons, and being as such... they went wild.

They flipped out, as the kids say.

Why did they flip out? Well, as far as I can tell, they seemed to flip out because Peter's story had a beginning, a middle, and an end, instead of continuing on and on, forever and ever ad nauseum without any consequence or change until we all die. They flipped out because a new character was wearing an old mask, despite a long history of characters passing their masks down to the new generation. They claimed they were the "real" fans. They said that Peter spoke to them. They said they understood him. They said they identified with him. They said they "loved" Peter.

They were Peter-lovers... so they claimed.

But it quickly became apparent that they mostly flipped out because Miles Morales was half African American and half Puerto Rican.

In the common parlance, they didn't like an uppity minority being Spider-man. It was ugly and sad and gross. The asswipes tried to claim that it was a terrible idea and only existed for political correctness, like they always do. The non-stupid people tried to explain to the asswipes that they were incorrect. They talked about the Donald Glover as Spider-man campaign and how the writer, Brian Micheal Bendis has adopted children from Africa and blah, blah, blah and finally asked them, why do you even care? Even if it was for political correctness only, what was wrong with that? What was wrong with having an alternate version of a big name hero be a person of color? Especially when the "real" version is still out there. Why is that bad? The asswipes then switched course, as they always do, and tried to claim that the book was pandering and that the story was forced and that it didn't work, so the non-stupid people had to remind them that the comic hadn't even come out yet, that no one had even read any of it, and that the only thing anyone really knew about the character was his race, which said a lot about the social worth of the character's critics at that time.

See, all of this happened while Peter was still alive, during the death of Spider-man story. It was a long arc about sacrifice and heroism and big fights and explosions, lots of good stuff. There is a point where a very badly injured Peter sees his worst enemies go by and he knows they know where he lives, and that they're going there looking for him and that his Aunt and his friends are there, but he also knows he's gut shot and bleeding and that he should go to the hospital or he will die.

He goes after the villains.

He couldn't have done anything else, really. You see, Peter's story started when he let a crook get away, "Not my problem" and then that same man ended up killing his Uncle Ben. With great power, comes great responsibility. Peter never forgot that lesson, it drove him to do what he did, to become Spider-man and so, his life ended on his front lawn, defending his friends and family, putting their lives above his. It was so very heroic. And after his death, the world learned his story.

And that story inspired Miles Morales to become a hero.

But all this was unknown at the time that the Internet was snipping at each other. Would the book be any good? Could it stand on its own? These were the questions. After ten years, will the book survive changing it's main character, it's entire cast?

MY REVIEW OF THE NEW ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #1-3

by Jonathan Hansen (finally...)

Ultimate Spider-man is by writer Brian Micheal Bendis and drawn by new artist Sara Pichelli. It's the story of Miles Morales, a 13 year old boy from Brooklyn. I had planned on giving you the "our story up till now" bit first, but instead, I think I'll just hit the important parts.

1. The writing is great. This is Bendis's character, he knows it and it shows.

2. Sara Pichelli's art is perfect for the book, fast and expressive, but detailed oriented. I love it.

3. Miles, the new Ultimate Universe's Spider-man, is free. Without years of continuity binding him down, who knows where he will go? But at the same time, he's also part of a legacy, connected to a rich past Bendis can draw upon, if he wants. Miles' origin and the way he gains his powers is tangled with and dependant upon Peter's origin and yet, it makes complete organic sense. It's certainly not like how Wally West got his powers, which is a relief.

4. His parents are alive and married and normal. Which is a breath of fresh air, as most super hero parents are dead or evil or both. And if the character is a person of color, a big, broad stereotype is usually part and parcel. Like say, an African-American hero's parents would be a pimp and a hooker or an Asian hero's parents would be uber-demanding taskmasters and math whizzes. You get the idea. So good on Bendis for making Miles' parents just people.

5. Finally (for now), there's a point where Miles is freaked out, having just learned about his powers, where things between his Dad and him have boiled over because Miles doesn't understand why his Dad doesn't want him to hang around with his Uncle (it's because the Uncle is a super-thief... it is a comic book, after all), and so the two of them sit in the park and talk. His Dad tries to explain about his life, who he used to be and why he changed and how important Miles and his future is. It's a conversation that builds to a point where Miles is about to tell his dad everything. And right at that moment, right when Miles is about to start talking about his sudden powers, about the big spider with the number 42 on it's back, about how it crawled out of a package in his Uncle's apartment and how it bit him and how he can now stick to walls and turn invisible and sting people...

The Human Torch and Iceman go rocketing by and Mile's father reveals just how much he dislikes all the mutants and weird-os and monsters running around NYC and... well, Miles says nothing. How can he? The fear of disapproval, of not being good enough, of his father suddenly not loving him? He doesn't say a thing. I love that addition to the classic superhero motivations.

Now, some folks have complained that the story is moving too slow, that they haven't seen Miles in costume yet, or really doing any super hero stuff. To that I say, those people are morons. There's only been three issues! Bendis is laying a story foundation, laying a story foundation is like laying the foundation of a house. It takes knowledge and skill and time and planning and lots of bricks and you have to lay those bricks carefully if you want to build a strong house. Bendis knows how to build strong houses, unlike say, the writers of the Walking Dead TV show or the early seasons of Lost, where they just tossed their bricks into a big pile and hoped they might be able to stand on them at some later point. This book is going somewhere. Where, I don't know, but if the last ten years of the previous volume has shown me anything, it's that it's worth my time to stick around and find out.

I have radioactive blood,
Jon

Dragon Age: Redemption - Tallis (Episode 1)

2011-10-13T00:23:00.000-07:00

So, yeah... I've been posting a lot of videos lately, I know. What can I say? Sorry, kids, but this is what passes for content around here lately, talk to management if you don't like it.

Anyway...

Dragon Age is a well known video game/book/RPG/comic book/geek hive-mind central/etc. Felicia Day is the geek girl de rigueur these days, a total cutie-pie, and possibly best known for her work on the God damn brilliant Dr Horrible's Sing-along blog, which is one of the best things ever.

What? Don't believe me?

Fine, watch this then, you butthole!

In your face!

Anyway, this is the first episode of the Dragon Age: Redemption webseries, entitled: Tallis. There will be more to follow. Watch for them.

Also, a Life of Jon Fun Fact Anecdote: I met the Director of this series, a gentleman by the name of Peter Winther, in L.A. a million and a half years ago at an art opening for his then girlfriend. It was so long ago, we geek-bonded over the fact that Peter Jackson had got the rights to Lord of the Rings and the greenlight to make it into three films. Anyway, at the time, he was working with Devlin and Emmerich (this was in the days before the world knew better) and he had been a co-producer on Godzilla. So, as any good movie geek is wont to do after a few vodka rocks, I ragged on him pretty hard core about some of the very obviously terrible choices they made while filming that cinematic turd. And he could only hang his head in shame and agree.

"What about the Atomic breath, Peter!" I said at the last, looming over him at the bar, my tirade having run its long-winded and sharply cutting course. "What about the Atomic breath...?"

He had no answer.

Point: Jon

Richard K. Morgan's THE COLD COMMANDS

2011-10-12T11:57:00.000-07:00

This is the book trailer for The Cold Commands, the second volume in Richard K. Morgan's A Land Fit for Heroes series.

The story kind of goes like this:
Set in a noir, far future world--maybe our world's future--it is a world that has recently won its Great War. The Lizard folk invaded and the people rallied, put aside their old hatreds, and cast the invaders back into the seas from whence they came. Huzzah! ...Then they all turned on each other. Alliances crumbled and petty squabbles over the lines on a map soaked the ground with the blood of warriors who were once friends and stalwart companions. It's a world where stubborn ignorance and religious driven hatred rule the day and the moment where good stood together and the world could have been something great is now long gone. And no one knows this better than the world's heroes, beaten down and scattered, their golden moment of glory has given way to the long dark of smoky bars and regret tinged ghosts.

They are:
Ringil Angeleyes, a once storied Hero-of-Legend whose homosexuality drove him into exile, he is now forced to live off his reputation at the edge of the world.
Egar Dragonbane once saw the great cities and once rode a Dragon down to its fiery death, he now wallows in boredom amongst his nomadic, superstitious hick kin.
Archeth Indamaninarmal is the last of her kind, a half breed left behind by her Father's mysterious and technologically advanced people, she is now serving an Empire she no longer believes in and an Emperor barely worth his crown.

These three former companions now find themselves on a path towards a new war, a war against a darker evil, a more powerful and more dangerous foe than the Lizards ever were, with a world that none of them are even sure is worth saving hanging in the balance.

It's good and after a long wait, it's finally out. You can get it here. My own copy is currently winging its way toward me as we speak. Can't wait. I'll planning on reviewing it over at the Scribblerati in a few weeks.

Stay tuned.
Jon

The Avengers

2011-10-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

May 4th, 2012

Seven months from now, give or take.

That's how long I have to wait. Seven months. Seven months before the Avengers finally hits theatres. Am I excited? Mmmm... Yes. Yes, you could say that. You could say that I am... a little bit... excited. Or you could say: a lot. I am a lot excited. I can't help it, you see. It's deep in me. I was born with it. It's ingrained in me, you see, it's down in my bones, ya'know? Bone-deep, as they say, I have a bone-deep excitement for this movie here:

This movie is something I never thought/expected/dared to hope to see, so "barely constrained giddy excitement" is now my middle name. I am Jonathan Barely Constrained Giddy Excitement Hansen... nice to meet you. I watched this trailer, wide-eyed and hunched over my computer, and all I could do was squeak... once... quietly... It was either that or explode, spewing Geek juice and Olive Oil from last night's dinner everywhere.

I don't want that. Do you want that? You don't want that. No one wants that.

Imagine the clean-up. Ick.

So I squeaked.

So excited.

But wait, you say... who are the Avengers?

First off, congratulations on moving away from that desert island.

Secondly, in a nutshell, the Avengers are basically Marvel Comics' version of the Justice League (DC Comics' version of the Avengers). It's a gathering of heroes who have come together to take on the threats that no single hero could face alone. It's explosions and fisticulls galore! It's more bang for your buck. It's the biggest, baddest, and brightest galivanting around town in their fancy outfits, willy-nilly and handing out the big beatdowns to whomever comes askin'. It's a woo-hoo good time, folks.

In the real world, The Avengers is that, plus the biggest summer movie ever made, ever attempted even. It's the culmination of four major film franchises (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, and The Incredible Hulk) crashing together into one giant-ass, money-gobbling monster. Try to deny it, you can't. You're powerless before the coming PR storm. Kneel! Kneel before the rise of the Whedon!

Oh, yeah... This is going to be good. Anyway, you'll probably hear me talk about this more in the coming days and weeks, just FYI.

Assembled,
Jon

Young Adult

2011-10-08T17:38:00.000-07:00

I've really enjoyed Jason Reitman's films and I heart Diablo Cody big time. The last time the two of them worked together, we got Juno, which I loved, and this is their latest effort, the story of Charlize Theron as a drunk asshole Judy Bloom returning to her home town in a misguided attempt to fix the reasons why her life sucks.

Love it. Can't wait.

Solo

2011-10-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

The Internet is full of stupid. It's made of stupid. Without stupid, it could not be. But sometimes it has good things, too. Big things, little things, funny things, kitty things and sometimes... it has awesome things.

This is one of those things.

I don't know where it came from or who brought it into being, but... I salute you, Mysterious Internet Nerd-artist. Well done, sir or madam. Well done.

Jon

New Loft class

2011-09-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned a blog or two ago, yesterday (Monday) was the first day of my new class at the Loft. It's called Grounding the Fantastic and it's taught by David Oppegaard. I love a new class, not only is it good for discipline and general output, but I enjoy reading and responding to other people's work and having my work read and responded to by others. It's a thrill, because you never know what you're going to get.

Who's got ability?

Who's got delusions?

Will there be anybody we might want to invite to the group?

And a story critique from a brand new group? I always like those. I believe they can be the most helpful, because sometimes the most pure response to your work can come from complete strangers. For one, the general response can be very telling. As the saying goes: If one person says you're a horse, ignore it. If two people say you're a horse, consider it. If three people say you're a horse... buy a fucking saddle. I mean, as a general rule, I don't really give a shit about a particular person's personal opinion of my work, after all, you can't please everyone and if they don't like your stuff, then they don't like it, that's just the way things go sometimes. What's important to the process is trying to separate that opinion from the real issues. For instance, some folks may not like "dark" heroes, that's their thing, but others may just be upset because the character didn't come across the way it was intended to, that's my issue. If someone doesn't "get" the story, then the question becomes: Why didn't they get it? Could I have been more clear? What adjustments can I make going forward? Was it me? Or was it just them? So there's a lot of good responses possible, the key is to listen to what they're saying, not how they say it.

So that's exciting. And honestly, so far so good, as far as the class is concerned. The "Teaching Artist" (as they call the Instructors at the Loft) seems like a good guy and the rest of the classmates seem like they're gonna be an alright bunch, too, with lots of different levels of abilities. Plus, it's nice to be in a room full of nothing but geeks. I like to support the geek community when I can, especially when the Loft provides so few classes for us, so when they do, I'm there. Best yet, (knock on wood) the class seems to lack the usual cast of annoying players that a class, especially a workshop, can sometimes attract. There's one Poetry person, of course, but what're ya' gonna do? Those people are the weeds in the garden that is a Writer's community, there's always one, somewhere.

All in all, a good class. I'm looking forward to more. Although I'm not sure what I'll submit. There's a 12 page, double-spaced limit and the closest I have to that, that's complete, is just over 16 pages, so I might not be submitting any new stuff, which is disappointing.

We'll see.

See, I'm really big on submitting a complete work, or at least, a complete piece of a larger work. My biggest pet peeve during a critique session is when readers can't seem to grasp the idea that, as a smaller piece of a larger work, the entire story isn't covered within the few pages they have, that there will be more of the story revealed--that some questions will be answered--later on. I don't understand why this is so hard to understand sometimes.

"Ah-dur...This part wasn't resolved..."

Of course it wasn't! This is 20 pages of a 300 page book!

And it's even worse when you can only submit a smaller part of an already small section and you have to repeat a dozen times: "Uh... yeah, there's more pages, but since we have a limit... I couldn't submit the last couple, so that's... of course... answered a couple of pages later..."

Fucking maddening.

So, we'll see. I still have a couple of weeks to decide on a submission. Maybe I can get him to bend and allow a few more pages. The whole piece is only 4100 words long! That's nothing.

Come on, people!
Jon

The Status of the Scribblerati

2011-09-23T13:00:00.001-07:00

Hey everybody, how's it going?

Good to hear! Myself, I'm blogging over at the Scribblerati blog today, all about the current state of things that concern my favorite Twin Cities based writing group. Go on over and join in on the fun, you won't regret it. Really.

Wink,

Jon

Updates!

2011-09-22T10:24:00.000-07:00

Been awhile, huh?

But are you really all that surprised?

You shouldn't be, you long-time readers at least, as my pattern should be somewhat obvious and reliablly consistent at this point. But for the cheap seats and brand new ticket holders, I'll explain. You see, I write stuff, sometimes stories, sometimes blogs, sometimes threatening letters to the editor posing as a homicidal 11 year old girl/strident pony advocate...

But I digress...

What I mean to say is: I am currently unemployed and job huntin' like a mother fucker and over the course of this new life-path it has become painfully obvious to me that, without the benefit of regular employment, it is very difficult to find the time to blog with any regularity.

I suppose we all have our crosses to bear...

Anyway, since I haven't been blogging too often of late--something I will be changing over the next week or so, as I have several new blogs a'coming--the question on all of your lips must be:

Or more likely: What have you been doing lately? Or as our mild-tempered Canadian brothers and sisters might say: Been writin', eh?

Yes.

Yes, I have.

Now, I know I've been talking about a couple of these for a bit now, but seriously, I am standing on the precipice here, kids. My novel pitch letter is about to go out, next week for sure. I have two short stories with maybe one more quick draft needed and then I will query a few on-line magazines with them, probably not too long after the pitch letter goes out, I suspect. AND I've got a third short story I'll be wrapping up and sending out in the next... eh... let's say week and a half to be safe. That story is going to be submitted for the second volume of a local anthology called Cifiscape (You can find Volume One here). Let's hope they like it. Fingers crossed. So, not only is all of that going on, I'm also knee deep in critiques of the beta draft WIPs for fellow Scribblerati Agents Shawn Enderlin and Claudia Hankin.

Work, work, work.

AND: Monday's a big day, BTW. Monday is the first day of the new class I will be taking at the Loft. It's called: Grounding the Fantastic and it is taught by a man named David Oppegaard, a name with no shortage of vowels, let me tell ya'. Here's the course description:

"A multigenre course open to all levels of students interested in literary, fantasy, horror, and science fiction, this class will focus on creating a realistic story that grounds even the most unusual tale in a recognizable world. Inspired by authors as varied as Stephen King, Margaret Atwood, Cormac McCarthy, and Toni Morrison, this class will discuss several multigenre craft topics and use in-class writing exercises to further investigate these storytelling methods. Then, using what we have learned, we will read and reflect upon one another’s stories in a workshop-style discussion facilitated by the teaching artist. Together, we will go down the rabbit hole of slipstream fiction and discover the multitude of possibilities waiting on the other side. $5.00 copy fee."

It certainly sounds fanciful, doesn't it? All this loose talk of rabbit holes, slipstreams, mulitudes, copy fees... Let the dreaming begin, amirite? So, that's exciting. I always enjoy a new class, new people, new stories, new perspectivess, it really gets the juices flowing. Plus, the last time I took a class at the Loft, I bitched on the comment card about the lack of genre fiction classes offered, so I'm trying to support what is hopefully the herald of a new direction.

Busy, busy, busy. Things to do, things to do.

Anyway, my dear Readers, be sure to look for some more blogs from me this week.

I'll be posting something over at the Scribblerati tomorrow, probably more update stuff, and then the following week I am planning on putting up a review of Nicolas Winding Refn's new movie: Drive, as well as a review/commentary on the new Ultimate Spider-man: Miles Morales. After that, well... who knows? Sky's the limit, right, Miles?

So, keep an eye out and tune in.
Or else...
Jon

Cool stuff

2011-08-26T12:03:00.000-07:00

Hey all, this is just a quick one, as I'm working on several things at the moment, and generally don't have a lot to say. We'll talk more after the weekend. Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that Lisa is blogging over at the Scribblerati and that you should pop over and give it a quick read. It's a short one too, but then I guess the whole Scribblerati is busy with their various projects at the moment. Maybe I'll blog about that next week. Also, there's this: It's a super-sweet fan-made teaser poster for Captain America. I think it's brilliant.

Thanks to Alex4everdn for sharing and Io9 for the heads-up.

Best movie of the summer (2011)

2011-08-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

"Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil's pawn. Alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death." --Cornelius, Planet of the Apes (1968)

That is so true...

Ok, so before I begin, I feel like I need to admit that my mother knows the Director's parents. I don't really know how they know each other. I think they met in Italy. Anyway, I don't know them and I don't know the Director. I've never met any of them, but there you go, ok?

Read on!

So, first off, I've got to say: I'm surprised. This is a film that when it was initially announced my immediate reaction was to roll my eyes and make a fart noise. I mean you've all seen Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, right? The film this film is based off of? No? Not surprising...

God damn, huh? That was 1972, folks--just under forty years ago--a time when movie trailers were these terrible, artless, mish-mashes of bombastic voice-overs and confusing montages. What the hell was it about these awkward, horrid jumbles of junk imagery that made people want to go to movies? Amazing, right? It's from a time when Hollywood didn't know how to market shit with any kind of sophistication, but then the first "blockbuster" was still four or so years away, huh?

But I digress.

Anyway, the moral of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes is plain for all to see: Apes make lousy house pets.

Fast forward nearly forty years and Rupert Wyatt decides to remake/re-imagine/do over this film and Hollywood, being the reliably creatively-myopic bastards they are, loving nothing more than remakes and sequels, say okay. Now, usually this is a bad thing, a very bad thing. Usually. But Wyatt did the Escapist, a pretty good prison break film despite the inclusion of a dream sequence, and he took a script that was done by a pair of writers I honestly wouldn't expect much out of as far as quality was concerned, and he ended up turning out a phenomenal summer movie, one that both embraces and transcends the "popcorn film" genre. Which means we won.

So what's it about?

In short: A bunch of apes who only want to do two things: Kick a little ass and eat some cookies... and they're all outta cookies.

The longer version?

Read on, but for you sensitive-nancy types, there may be some spoilers ahead:

Hollywood oddball James Franco plays a scientist hellbent on curing his father's (John Lithgow) debilitating case of Alzheimer's disease. To do so, he creates some gunk that is supposed to repair brain damage, blah, blah, blah. They test it on Chimps and some of them respond well, making them smarter and their eyes green, but before he can get real funding, one chimp, Bright-eyes, (one of many nice little references to the original flick) flips the fuck out and, as a result, all of the "contaminated" chimps are put down and the project is closed.

But why did Bright-eyes flip out?

Ape in a box!

That's right. Baby on board. James Franco sneaks the baby out, saving it, and takes it home and, I can only assume, immediately discovers that Chimps desperately need to wear a diaper... and pants... and a nice sweater. Because otherwise it would be weird. Jon Lithgow names him Caesar and they realize the baby is really, really smart. He learns to sign and all sorts of stuff, so James Franco injects John Lithgow too, who also starts to heal. And for the next few years, life is good. Also, the super-hot Freida Pinto is James Franco's lady. So life is extra good for James Franco. Kissy-kissy.

But the easy life doesn't last when there's a super-smart, pants-wearing chimp in your house, Caesar is growing up, growing stronger, and growing smarter. Also, there's a dickhead neighbor, played by David Hewlett (of crappy Stargate fame), who is the unluckiest man in the history of the planet, starting with his having to live next to James Franco. Also, John Lithgow's immune system starts to fight off the science-gunk and his Alzheimer's starts to come back. These things all lead to a bad moment that ends with Caesar being taken away and put in a Simian Guantanamo run by the always super-great Brian Cox and the young Draco Malfoy, who somewhat unsurprisingly is a huge jerk. That's when Caesar realizes he is different from other Apes. And that those Apes need him. He becomes their leader and answers the best question ever: "Why Cookie Rocket" and eventually plans a break-out, but first he sneaks out and steals the smarty-gas from James Franco's house...

Oo-oo-oo?

And then...? Oh yeah, baby. It's on, like Donkey Kong.

This is a seriously good movie. It's funny watching the trailers and TV spots, because they all showcase the action, and guess what? It's all at the end. The rest of the film is a tightly paced, tense and engrossing Sci-fi thriller. The characters are developed and their motivations are crystal clear. My summary a paragraph or two up? It's tongue and cheek, obviously, but it's also overly simple, because there's a lot more going on up the film. What happened, why it happened, what's going to happen? It's all strung together really well and best of all, it makes sense (within the context of the film, of course).

Mostly, it's just a joy to watch a summer film that isn't 99% hollow spectacle, one that relies on the power of its story first, instead of a "narrative" powered by flashy crap effects and told by idiots, full of sound and fury and signifying nothing, as they say... Which is not to say that there isn't CGI. There is. And it's brilliant. Andy Serkis plays Caesar and just like when he played Gollum and King Kong, it's all motion capture, but it's intense and close-up and cutting edge. Caesar's facial expressions are Andy Serkis's. The tiny movements, the subtle emotion, it's all Andy Serkis. It's amazing. There's already early oscar buzz. Of course, how much that's actually worth, well... it's the Oscars... so, who really cares, it means nothing and it means everything, and mostly doesn't matter at the moment, but what it does signify is how impressive the performance really is. And it is impressive. Are there times when the CGI shows and you realize it's a fake computer monkey? Of course there is, it is a fake computer monkey, after all, but more importantly, there's times when you will forget.

My favorite parts?

There's the little nod to the Statue of Liberty early on and there's a couple of moments where Draco Malfoy gets to say some of Charlton Heston's famous lines. "It's a mad house! A mad house!" and, of course:

Unsurprising, sure, that's almost a mandatory moment, right? Everyone expects that line, because that's THE line. What makes its use brilliant is the fact that when it comes, you're instantly hit with this "ha-ha" moment that throws you off and distracts you, so that the moment that comes immediately next is a total "Holy shit" moment. It gets you to look one way and then wham! Total blindside. It works perfectly.

Really well done.

Also, I love the mention of the launch of the Icarus space ship and the later mention of how it has been lost in space. That is awesome. I love it. Love it. I love it because it's treated as no big deal in the film, just background noise, but the old fans instantly know who's on that ship... Charlton fucking Heston. A fantastic nod to the original, that also maneuvers this film into the canon and also lays the strings for a possible sequel. So that's also really cool and well done.

Does that mean there's going to be a sequel? Well, in its first two weeks (Number one film in the country both weeks), and almost on it's third, with a projected budget of $93 million (relatively cheap for a summer film), it has about $220 million total in box office receipts already ($120 million domestic/$95 million foreign), and even if you double the budget to account for marketing (as the rule goes), it has already made it's cost, which means that every weekend after this is nothing but gravy. That's a success in anybody's book, so... yeah, there probably will be, even though I don't think there necessarily should be.

But then, I didn't think THIS movie needed to be made, so what do I know?

Moving on, another thing I really loved was the way the film solved it's own problems. How do a bunch of apes--even super-smart apes--take over the planet? The answer is: They don't. They just want to be free, to get away and live on their own. A small, but perfectly understandable and justifiable motivation. The Apes aren't evil, this isn't a sweeping revolution, they're not offering a better way; they just want to be free. That's great.

Another great thing?

The humans aren't evil either. A lesser story would make the humans a bunch of moustache-twiddlin' jerks who love nothing more than beating on Apes all the live long day. Sure, there's some jerks in the film, but they're just regular types of jerks. There's some implication that Draco might hit some of the Apes at times, while in captivity, but it's never really shown, and neither is the genetics lab--where James Franco works--shown to be this excessively inhumane and torturing and evil organization, the film lets the idea of captivity on its own be enough and I really like that, the sophistication and subtlety is brilliant. It would have been so easy to make this ridiculous and over-the-top, but instead, Wyatt allows for a more honest character driven drama and tension to play out center stage, rather than focusing on the usual hollow, overwrought, and music-driven crescendo of manipulation.

Plus, it's a last little thing at the end, right when you think it's done, but I really liked the way the film explained how the earth eventually becomes the Planet of the Apes. The set-up during the film isn't overbearing and it isn't used like this big flashing flag of things to come, it's smart and surprisingly out-of-left field. I like how it's laid out for future stories, but well developed enough that you don't need to see how those stories play out, because you already know what's going to happen. In the end, it's a satisfying and full story.

Bottom line? Good, smart, and fun. You should go see it, it's totally worth it.

Really.

Gorilla butt,

Jon

Also, there's this, which is awesome in any language:

This weekend... and beyond!

2011-08-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

Hello!

I've got to go do some errands today, so this is just a quick post concerning a few things I'm looking forward to or I think are neat or whatever.

First up: the new Conan.

Yes, I'll admit, I'm going to go see this. It will probably be terrible, I completely understand that, and it definitely looks like they took Robert E. Howard and EXTREMED it, but... what can I say? I'm interested. You see, I grew up in a time when Hollywood couldn't get enough of two types of films.

1. The Mad Max/Post-apocalyptic movie.
2. The Sword and Sorcery/Barbarian movie.

The reason? They were cheap and easy. All you needed was some shoulder pads, a little chain mail, a washed up bikini model and some kind of drug-baby mutant freak looking guy and then you drove about two hours east of Los Angeles and used some mountains, or better yet, desert as your set. After that it was easy. I loved these types of films as a kid. They're kind of hard to revisit now, but whatever, so are SpaghettiOs. Anyway, this guy, Jason Momoa? He was on Stargate: Atlantis (which was terrible and stupid and not worthy of an informative link) and he had this awful lion's mane head of golden dreadlocks and... they were fucking terrible. BUT, he played Khal Drogo in Game of Thrones and not only was he great, but he cut his hair, so I'm thinking, if the movie is terrible, I don't think it will be because of him. It comes out this weekend, so I'm going.

Then we have the second action-extravaganza coming out this weekend: Columbiana.

I'm a little ambivalent on this film. I like Zoe Saldana and I don't blame her Avatar's stupidity, plus, she was really great as Uhura. Now, granted, the Losers was one of my picks for Top Ten Worst Films of 2010, but she's good. This film, though... it looks like another Jason Bourne, another Salt, another fill-in-the-blank one man/woman super-assassin killer army. I like those movies, sure, but only when they're good, so you know, this could be terrible. Especially because it was written by the club-footed baboons that wrote Taken, which was in the top 5 of my Top Ten Worst Films of 2009. Wow, that's quite a pedigree, now that I look at it. Hmmm... maybe I'll wait for video for this one.

Next: The new Immortals trailer.

I've talked about this film before, right here. Now, granted, it looks like it's getting a little wobbly around the edges. It might get more than a little out of control crazy and fall apart, crashing down into the land of stupid, I mean, it stars Mickey Rourke for God's sake, but it brushes up against another childhood love: Greek Mythology, so I'm interested. I know what you're all thinking, I can hear you clearly. "Wow, Jon... you liked warrior of the wasteland, barbarian movies, Star Wars AND Greek Mythology... you must have been real cool..." Yeah? Well... shut up. Of course, the Greek myth geek in me instantly recognizes that these are EXTREMED versions of Greek myths, but it comes out close to my birthday (in case you wanted to send gifts). So I'm going.

Finally, Olly Moss is pretty awesome.

His poster work is amazing. Simple. Stark. Iconic. He has the ability to distill the essence of a movie down to a single image. He's the hot shit burning up the Internet nerds at the moment, understandably.

So, he gets a lot of work and one thing he's been doing for awhile now is the art/promo work for the game: Resistance: The Fall of Man, which is a run-of-the-mill First Person Shooter well known for having Olly Moss artwork. Now, the third Resistance Game is about to come out and instead of showcasing their boring, run-of-the-mill game play, they rightly choose to animate a bunch of Mr. Moss's artwork. It looks great.

So, there you go, kids. From me to you.
Thanks to Badass Digest for putting up some of these recently.

Yours,
Jon

Man-cation, all I ever wanted...

2011-08-14T18:23:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well... Guess what, people? Little Ms. Supercute Wife is going to be out of town at a conference the next few days. I think we all know what that means:

Hello, Party-town! Population: Moi.

It's gonna be just like that, but with more fried chicken.

There's gonna be some movies, too! There will be the Rise of the Planet of the Apes and probably Green Lantern and King Fu Panda 2, as well (They're at the $2 theatre). WOOOOO! Who's getting popcorn! I'm getting popcorn! Dig it.

In other super-awesome news, swing by the Scribblerati blog and check out all the latest hullabaloo going on over there. Mark is busy confessing his deep love of all things Rush and Shawn and I are discussing the ups and the many, many downs of self-publishing. Come on over, stay awhile, but don't steal nothing or I'll cut you!

Stay tuned,

Jon

Captain America, a movie review

2011-08-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

As the myriad of long time readers will no doubt recall, I have very much been looking forward to the Captain America movie and I am here today to tell you, at great length, what I thought of it now that I have finally seen it.

Short and sweet: I liked it.

The longer version? Have a seat...

First, a little background: The story of Captain America!

Captain America is the story of the world at war. It is the story of the good fight. It is the story of good vs. evil. It is the story of a good man. It is the story of a scrawny little pencil neck geek with a death wish. It is the story of Steve Rogers, a young man who wants to join the army but is too wee a young man to be allowed to sign up to fight. It is then that Steve meets a kindly old German gentleman by the name of Professor Erskine, a man who preys upon Steve's unbridled patriotism and manages to convince him to take a bunch of drugs and agree to participate in an experimental treatment. Amazingly, Steve doesn't wake up in a bathtub full of ice with an ouchy butthole and missing a kidney, but as a supreme bad ass--a super soldier, if you will.

However, unsurprisingly, the Nazis frown upon this (as they are wont to do, being Nazis), so they sabotage the experiment after it finally works, ensuring that while America won't have an army of super soldiers, they will still have one... thus illustrating the type of planning that lost them the war... Anyway, this upsets Cap (as his friends call him... ahem...) and he throws the Nazi through a window. Krrr-Rash! Take that, Ratzi! He then spends the next few years fighting spies at home, before shipping overseas and giving the rest of the Nazis what-for!

But Captain America doesn't survive the war.

Captured by Baron Zemo, he and his stalwart buddy, Bucky, escape and try to stop an experimental drone from flying to Germany or an experimental rocket from striking Britain or an experimental missile from striking Washington... depending on what issue you read... Anyway, he and Bucky jump aboard, but it's booby-trapped! Or maybe they damage it. Either way, it blows up BIG TIME! The explosion tosses Captain America down into the sea and kills Bucky or tosses him into the sea, as well, where he is found by the Russians and brainwashed into becoming the super assassin: The Winter Soldier... depending upon what comic you read.

Captain America sinks to the bottom of the sea, where he is eventually frozen in ice and found by Eskimos, who worship him as a God (A Popsicle God) until an angry Namor the Submariner comes across this lunacy and decides to throw the Eskimos' Popsicle God into the ocean, because he's a huge jerk. The Eskimos stand at the edge of the ice and watch their God float away and they're like: "Dude!" and Namor is like: "What? Fuck you guys." And then he swims away... the jerk...

Meanwhile, Popsicle Cap floats south where he is found by the Avengers, who are tooling about the ocean in their submarine looking for the Hulk... in the middle of the ocean. They're looking for the Hulk. A giant green guy known for hanging out in the desert... Yeah. So, rightly deciding that the Hulk may have given them the slip, they take Captain America home, dry him off and decide to keep him!

And a hero from the past is reborn into the modern world! Adventure ensues! Not to mention occasional wackiness! And shield-slinging! And heartfelt speeches!

And thus, many a garbage can lids were destroyed by children pretending to be Captain America.

The movie more or less follows the story of Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) becoming Captain America and fighting in World War Two against his arch-enemy and Nazi counterpart, the Ubermensch: The Red Skull (Hugo Weaving) and then crashing. Ker-SPLASH!

And I thought it was great. Of course, that's with the caveat that I didn't think it was a great film, just that, as a Captain America fan, I really enjoyed it. There were problems, yes. There was a bit more Rocketeer than there was Raiders and it can be a bit clunky, pacing wise. Some of the cool supporting characters were a bit short-shrifted and some of the effects were wonky, but those are small things.

If I was going to pick two big complaints, they would be:

1. Joe Johnson. He is one of those workhorse directors whose best has always been no better than middling and reliably lacking flash. He can get the job done, but there's nothing special. He favors the cheesey and the broad and it shows more than a bit. However, he got the look, tone and color palette right for this film, so bully for him. Still, there's a part of me that wishes Fincher would have done this movie. Why David Fincher, you ask? What do you mean, why? What the hell's wrong with you?

2. The ending. This is kind of a weird one and maybe it's just the comic fan in me, as they didn't get the ending wrong, per se, as in, it was pretty much how it went in the comic, sort of. No, it's more like... they biffed it. Too fast? Too rushed? Not enough here? Too much there? It was just a bit off. I felt like the endings were placed in the wrong places, their pacing was off. And! AND! They never actually mention that he was frozen in ice and placed in suspended animation in the film. They never actually say it. I wonder how many "normals" out there watched the ending and had ZERO idea what just happened.

So, yeah, there were issues, but whaddyado?

Now, some folks might complain that the movie Captain America is fighting Hydra, instead of the traditional Nazis, to which I say:

1. That's untrue. In the movie, Hydra is an off-shoot of the Nazis. Yes, they break off, but they're still a group that originated with the Nazis, so therefore, he is fighting Nazis.

2. It's a good thing, as reality and comics aren't exactly peas and carrots, you know? It's like Reed Richards in the Fantastic Four. Why does he spend all day making flying bathtubs for himself, why not use the engine design to end the world's dependence on fossil fuels? Why not cure cancer, Reed, instead of, oh... I don't know, making t-shirts that stretch reeeeally far? Asking why Captain America didn't stop the concentration camps is just awkward. Putting him among such horrors, ones that he is ultimately completely impotent against? It just seems... disrespectful. Kind of like how they killed Hitler in Inglorious Bastards. Impotent and disrespectful.

3. By making it a secret side war against Hydra, the Allies still win WWII on their own, without Captain America, so their victories and sacrifices aren't lessened by the inclusion of a star-spangled underwear model. This is good because of, you know, respect.

So, face, as in: In your.

Moving on...

Evans was great. He portrayed Steve as a good person, not a stick in the mud or a bumpkin or a naive idiot. He was a competent soldier, not a bully. And he looked fantastic. The costume. The shield. The colors. Sure, the motorcycle chase wasn't necessary, but it was classic Cap. Hugo Weaving was great as the Skull. He was just awesome and I loved the Werner Hertzog accent. I also liked the way they left gaps in Cap's WWII service, allowing for more period set sequels in the future. There was good action, it had a few laughs. It also had the usual Marvel movies tie-ins, but they weren't clunky, they fit well. I really enjoyed it and believe that there was more good than bad, without a doubt, but I freely acknowledge that I am biased and more than willing to forgive. Your mileage may vary.

Now, they just need to tell the story of Isaiah Bradley, the secret first Captain America...

A true believer,

Jon

A little behind

2011-08-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

Hey there kids,

So, I was sitting around, pickin' my ass today and suddenly I went: "Huh, I haven't posted at my blog lately, have I?" And you know what? I was right, I haven't posted lately. I really feel bad about this because there isn't much excuse... well, except for the usual one, of course.

That's right, I've been busy.

I have, I swear. I've been working on my thing for that one thing and I'm liking how it's shaping up, I've also been job hunting and doing housework and drinking coffee in the cool morning breeze on my backporch, so, yeah, all that's been distracting me. It's true. But it's been more than that, am I right? Yeah, I'm right. You know it and I know it. It's plain and simple, people, I've dropped the ball. That's what it is. No, no, it's true. There's no one to blame but myself. I dropped the ball. I hear you out there, I do. My inbox has been literally flooded...literally... well, not literally, not at all, in fact, but I can imagine it. Where's the content, man? That's what you'd ask. Where's the rambling diatribes? Where's the pictures of Le Sexy Ladies?

Boom!

Yeah, you and me both, old man...

Ask and you shall receive. I'm like a genie in the bottle, all you gotta do is rub me the right way. I'd say that you could call me Ka-zaam, but Shaq already beat me to it, like he does with everything... the jerk.

So, anyway, what's the story, morning glory? Is that what you're looking for? What's been going on? Well, like I said, I've been working on that thing for that thing and it's going good. I think it'll be ready soon. Two weeks? Give or take? Yeah, that seems about right. Two weeks on the outside and then we move on to the next step. I'm also preparing an alternate pitch, as well, something to ride shotgun. It's good and sellable and it might end up working out better. We'll see, fingers crossed.

Other than that, I'm wrapping up the short stories. I'm hoping that will wrap up soon. Once I'm done with the thing, I may give the shorts another spin, call them good and pull the trigger, you know? Cross more fingers, please.

But what about the blog in the coming future?

Will I slack off again?

Yes.

Deal with it. This is Mine, after all...

But, because I love you, my dear and constant readers, I will schedule some blogs for you all to look forward to. Next week: I have some plans. I plan on blogging over at the Scribblerati blog about Diversicon and then blogging over here about the Captain America movie. I also plan on seeing Rise of the Planet of the Apes, so I'll blog about that too.

So there, next week: Three blogs!

Promise,

Jon

High hopes and low expectations

2011-07-23T19:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'll admit it, these "Things to look forward to" posts aren't really for you. They aren't for letting you know about cool things that are coming up or for the benefit of reminding you to mark your geek calendars, they are more about my obsessive need to have/collect things like this. When I like a trailer or a short film or something like that, I will occasionally watch it obsessively over and over and over again. Why? Because I wanna. Although, admittedly, there are some who might go so far as to label me as somewhat slightly OCD.

Whatever.

The point is, having a blog like this means I can centralize the things I like to watch again and again, so when I want to watch them, I can easily find them. Like these, for instance: The Great Cinematics. Go on, check them out, I'll wait.

Love those, so awesome, which leads me to my first bit of hoarding. This one is the third in the series of those Star Wars Cinematics that the link above will lead you to. There's kind of a continuing story, but not really. Enjoy...

I don't play these games any more because I have to do other things in my life now, like remembering to eat and shower and to sometimes go outside. Also, I know there is no way the games are anywhere near as cool as these things make them seem.

No way.

I'm not as big a fan of some of the character designs in this one, like Cowboy Bob for instance, but what can you do, there is an undeniable and unfortunate end of the geek spectrum that still thinks there's nothing cooler than trenchcoats and cowboy hats with oversized brims. Ugh. Regardless, this little film still showcases how pretty damn awesome the Star Wars Universe can be and reminds us of how so, so, so very bad the prequels were... sigh...

Moving on!

Next we've got Drive, which won Nicolas Winding Refn the Best Director prize at Cannes. How do you think you pronounce his last name? Anyway, check out the Red Band Trailer (Red Band means naughty... tee hee... although, I didn't quite catch where the naughty was, maybe someone swears...)

What a phenomenal cast, huh? Ryan Gosling. Bryan Cranston. Carey Mulligan. Christina Hendricks. Ron Perlman. Albert Brooks. I'm really excited for this. Super stylish and good looking, I love the white satin scorpion jacket, not to mention just about any movie about getaway drivers. Plus, this reminds me of a Steve McQueen movie and there ain't nothing wrong with that. This film is the "high hopes" part I mentioned in the blog's title.

Which brings us to the low expectations...

I really liked a lot of the things I saw here. I like the increase of tension a lot (The freeway scene looks particularly well done). I also like how they seem to be diverging from the comic a bit, as well. I think being shackled to the comic's continuity will do nothing but strangle what little creative space this show has, plus Shane and Daryl are the only two characters of any life, so keeping them around is a good thing. But in the end, I can't help but be reminded of how right everything looked before the debut of last season, and how fan-fucking-tastic the pilot episode was, and then how quickly and undeniably downhill the rest of the season went. Here's a link to my two-post review of the first season here and here. See? Disappointing, man.

Big time low expectations.

So there you go, three new things to watch out for.

Enjoy,
Jon

The Scribblerati

2011-07-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody!

I'm blogging over at the Scribblerati blog today and I'm writing about our upcoming Diversicon appearance and our brand spanking new Scribblerati Sample Book. You can read all about it over at the group blog, or follow the link right here or the big one set up along the sidebar.

Happy Captain America Day, kids!

Later,
Jon

Stuff to look forward to... UPDATED!

2011-07-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick post of geeky stuff. There's a couple of new trailers and some cool photos. Good stuff, hopefully. We'll see. Check them out and let me know what you think.

First up is Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game of Shadows.

I was a fan of the first one, but I freely admit that it had some pacing issues. However, I really enjoyed Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. together and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. Also, I love Noomi Rapace. Also, also, if you should happen to mention that you like this franchise and someone nearby has to mention, usually while pushing their glasses up their nose, that they prefer the BBC's latest version starring Benedict Cumberbatch (who will be the voice of Smaug in the Hobbit), then that person is a pretentious butthole. I mean, I really like that version too, but... screw you, right? Anglophile douche... Anyway, new trailer!

Next we have the latest by Soderberg. It's called Contagion and it is starrring... oh, it looks like just about everybody on the planet... it also looks very grim, as well, people, very grim. Outbreak. Infection. Death. Sad face. Me, I love a good apocalypse, so I'm looking forward to it as seen through Soderberg's lens. Empty buildings that aren't supposed to be empty? Haunting. Love it.

Finally, we have a project that has been doing the rounds through Hollywood pretty much since Hollywood became Hollywood.

John Carter, as it is currently called (expect it to change), comes from the Barsoom series, a somewhat lesser known series to the mainstream by Edgar Rice Borroughs (famous for later creating Tarzan) that started out with Princess of Mars. It was about a Civil War vet who falls asleep in a cave and wakes up on Mars (I hate it when that happens), fights four armed Martians, loves a more human looking (and butt naked) Martian Princess and generally decides that he's on Mars for two reasons and two reasons only: To kick a little ass and chew a little Bubblegum... and he's all outta Bubblegum... Now, the main question is: Will the movie suck? The answer? It is distinctly possible, but it might not. Who knows? Time will tell. For now though, the trailer looks fun.

Of course, any anticipation I feel for these particular films is nothing--NOTHING--in comparison to the excitement burning down in my guts with the undying fire of a 1000 suns when I think about the upcoming Hobbit and Avengers movies. Dude... seriously...

Which reminds me... Have you seen these yet from the Hobbit?

Here we have: Bombur, Bofer, and Bifur...

Nori, Ori, and Dori...

Fili and Kili...

And Oin and Gloin...

Pretty sweet, huh? For those not in the know, Gloin is Gimli's dad. In the story of the Hobbit, there were thirteen dwarves who show up unannounced and unexpected on Bilbo's doorstep. So far, we've seen ten of them. The only members of the party left are Dwalin and Balin (Balin is famous for trying to settle the Mines of Moria and dying in the process, as seen in Fellowship of the Ring) and the leader of the group, the mighty Thorin Oakenshield. Hopefully we'll get to see them soon. I'll update here when we do. You can find more information about the Dwarves here.

Okay, so that's a bunch of geeky stuff for you. Enjoy.

Until next time,

Jon

UPDATE!!!

Good things happened while I was braving the wilds of Carmeghedon for the salty shores of RaT Beach and the wedding of the Library Bird and Keith Rocka Knittel. What could possibly be as good as that? Not much, except maybe these... not really, but, you know... Anyway:

Balin and Dwalin

The man himself... Thorin Oakenshield

Totally sweet.

Jon

Mid-July, working

2011-07-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

So, when I said: "back in a big way" last time? It meant that I'm working on stuff, which apparently means that I would also completely forget about my responsibilities to my blog. My most sincere apologies, dear readers. I will do my best to rectify this, and try to salvage July from being yet another low content month in a series of low content months, and I'm going to start "write" now (Did you see that? Huh? Did you see what I did there? Wakka! Wakka! Wakka).

The Scribblerati are meeting tonight (Shawn's got a blog up, go look. I'll wait.) I believe this is the last meeting before our big Diversicon appearance and our big group panel. Our first con, our first panel, it's a lot of firsts coming up, personal firsts for me as well. It's a pretty big deal... well, to us anyway. Tonight's agenda? We are checking out the preliminary version of our sample book before ordering the final print and I will be getting responses to the latest draft of a short story. Plus, there will be Cold Press. Sounds like a good night to me.

But right now, it's a nice day for writing. It's seventy degrees and it looks like it might rain later. There's a light breeze coming through the open windows with a bit of a chill to the air. Cops is on TV and then Maury is doing some paternity tests. My laptop is humming, I've got a leftover chicken torta for lunch, a bowl o'strawberries for dessert and a hot cup of joe for fuel, so let's get started, shall we...?

SHALL WE?!?!

ZOMBIE STUFF

Gunslingers of the Apocalypse

Sitting. Stewing. Future uncertain. I need to buy some ink for my printer and some paper--also for my printer--and then I'll single space it, re-format it, print it out, pull out the red pen and dive back in for another pass. We'll see what happens after that. My goal is 20,000 to 30,000 words. Can I do it? Stay tuned.

Bastard out of Minnesota

Well, it kind of goes without saying that this book, being Book 2 of the "Black Magic" Jack quadrilogy, is trunked for as long as Gunslingers is, plus a bit longer after that. This is even more true for the two books intended to follow this one: Righteous Brother and Gunfighter Gold (working titles). Sucks, but, what can ya' do?

SHORT STORIES

Billy Torch takes a Beating

This used to be called The Little Things, the name has changed and now it is the first of three short stories I have going through the final round of edits before hitting the short story submission circuit. I really like this one, the story of a D list super villain fresh out of the joint and trying to get his super villain career back on track, only to get swept up in the battle between a superhero vigilante and his arch nemesis. I like the story enough that I drew up and pitched a five years later, Richard Stark-type, sexy, noir, heist tale but with super villains and starring Billy Torch. No bite, but it's strong enough in my head and I've got enough notes that I'll return to it eventually at some point.

Plague of Man

This story is number two of the three on the final spin of editing before beginning the submissions rounds. I think this one is my most traditional short story, it's about a man whose ashes are shot into space, which are found by aliens, who immediately begin to clone him. Most of my shorts seem to have larger aspirations, but this one: it starts, it ends, and it wraps up neatly. That being said, I would be interested in someday taking the bad guys of this story and using them as the bad guys in some other larger space opera type of story, maybe, or maybe just in the background... who knows.

Station #47

This story is about a last outpost after end of the world and its occupant trying to survive--just him and two cats--and it's the third of the three short stories standing at the precipice of the final edit stage, almost ready to take the plunge and start going out to various sites. This one might lag a little behind the other two, maybe, as far as completely ready/polished is concerned, but it's pretty close.

Yash Scarlet and the Gates of Hell

This is the story the Scribblerati is critiquing for me tonight. I got some excellent feedback last time around and it really helped me firm it up, narrative-wise. I'm excited to hear what my fellow Scribblerati Agents think. The idea behind it came about as I was reading short stories by authors that were featuring characters from one of their novels, kind of a little side adventure type thing. So, I thought I'd try writing one, but for a book that doesn't exist. The end result is this Sci-fi-ish, day-after-tomorrow set tale about a young woman named Yash Scarlet and the team of thieves she runs and how the job they are on goes very, very bad. Plus, there's monsters. And blood. And screaming. Anyway, I was so pleased with the way this draft turned out that I thought: "Self?" I thought, "What if the book that doesn't exist, that this story is a kind of prequel for, actually existed...?"

Hmmmm, interesting. Very interesting...

UPCOMING PROJECTS IN PROGRESS

So, there's all that.

I also have, eh... let's say eight or so short story ideas I've separated out from the cacophonous throng and are waiting on deck. They're in various stages and may or may not survive to the point where they become actual stories. May or may not. Future uncertain. Fate unknown. I'm working on them, and I'll get back to them at some point, but for the foreseeable future, they're on hold.

This is why I've been busy, I'm working on the possible first chapter of my short story turned novel: Monster. I'm hoping it works out. Monster is basically the Dirty Dozen versus a Dragon set in a dystopian future of old world ruins and out of control magic. So, that will be me for the next couple weeks, it's focus time, because I'm starting out again. I'm putting my nose to the grindstone.

Look out shitty first draft, here I come.

Until then...

Just FYI

Your buddy,
Jon

Plot Device

2011-07-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, folks, my laptop is fixed and I'm back in a big way.

Let's kick off the fun with this, a really great short film called "Plot Device" that I stumbled across over at Red Giant. It's by a pair of folks I don't know and have never met--but don't hold that against them--named Seth Worley and Aharon Rabinowitz and it's a kind of a showcase reel for what can be done on a limited budget using Magic Bullet Suite 11.

It's really clever and totally worth your time. Check it out.

Plot Device from Red Giant on Vimeo.

David E. Mondt

2011-06-21T09:34:00.000-07:00

My Grandfather, David E. Mondt, died almost two weeks ago. He was 89 years old. He was crotchety and tough as an old fence post; he was my Grampie. Here is his obituary. Here's another one from the VFW detailing his years of service.

I was asked to say something at the service.

That was a hard thing to decide to do. I wasn't sure how to even start. I wasn't sure if I could and I kind of put it off for a few days, thinking, before I finally jotted some stuff down on the Thursday before. Then I let it sit and soak a bit and late Friday night I cracked my little book and I poked at what I had written and on Saturday morning I got up at the service and said my piece. It went alright, I think, and in the time since some people have asked for a transcript, so I thought I'd post it here for all and sundry to read and maybe remember him a little. Now, admittedly, there was a certain amount of winging it involved once I got up there to talk, but what follows is as close as I can recall.

"Deciding what to say today, or even to say anything at all, was difficult. There is this whole unwieldy mass of emotions to get through. How do you say what needs to be said? How do you choose to best illustrate the way the shadow of one person's life falls across your own? How do you properly explain the value and the loss? How do you say what we all already know?

Growing up a latchkey kid in a family of mostly women in a generation of broken homes, Grampie was the rock in my center. He was the man to emulate. He had flown through German flak on D Day. He had stood in the sands of the African desert and he had landed planes in English fog so thick they had to burn ditches of oil to light his way. The stories loomed as large as the man.

I think I may have flummoxed him a bit, as a child. I can still remember driving down to Little Rock in the big yellow Chrysler with him and the look on his face when the waitress asked me if I wanted bacon or sausage with my breakfast and I said: "yes". But flummoxed or not, I never doubted his love. I spoke to Zoey today and we talked about the time building the tree house, about hunting the yard for fallen buckeyes, about the never-ending chore of picking up sticks and how he'd catch squirrels and release them in McHose park. We talked about how Santa always gave him coal.

There's too many memories.

With things like this, I always try to put them in context through quotes, to understand them, to frame and define them for myself through the words of others. On Death, I found some Dickens (he had a lot): "It is a far. far better thing that I do, then I have ever done. It is a far, far better rest that I go to, then I have ever known." I found a Harry Truman quote from the end of his Presidency, referencing both his time in office and a famous tombstone in Tombstone, Arizona: "Here lies Jack Williams. He done his damnedest." I even found some W. C. Fields: "On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia."

But the thing that I kept coming back to was something entirely different. It was something unrelated to Grampie, a movie he probably never saw called Blade Runner. In the simplest summary, it is the story of robots whose lives have a clock and that clock is winding down and all they want to do is live one more day. In the end, one character talks about all the amazing things he has seen and done and he wonders: What happens to those memories and experiences when he's gone? Where do they go?

Recently, I've found myself at a crossroads with my work, questioning its worth and what to do with it. As such, as I considered and perused, I discovered something. Grampie is in my book. He has a very large part actually, theme-wise, motivation-wise, perhaps unsurprisingly, he acts as the voice of the hero's conscience. And of course, he's featured prominently in the dramatic retelling of the time he fixed the pogo stick and it knocked me out in the driveway.

All of this made me realize something:

Grampie is a large part of my book, because he's a large part of me and he always will be. And that reminded me of another quote I know, it's a Jewish Proverb and it says: "The only truly dead are those that have been forgotten." I know I will always remember my Grandfather, in his doghead chair or out at the kitchen table, his stories, his coveralls, his cigarettes and his grumpy pronouncements. His scratchy cheeks and his mischievous smile. I love him and I will never forget him, so he will never truly be gone, but I will always miss him."

Bye, Grampie.

Jon

The Scribblerati

2011-06-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Hey there! Just a quick note to let you all know that I've posted a little something-something over at the Scribblerati blog. Go check it out!

The latest Captain America poster

2011-06-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

How awesome is that? Love it. It's a nod to the very first issue which came out 70 years ago this very month, a cover which also inspired a bit of Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, btw. Apparently, this poster was made for the cast and crew exclusively, but they're giving away five of them at the Hero Complex film festival in L.A. (Library bird... get it done.)

Movies to see this weekend

2011-06-04T03:11:00.000-07:00

My last post was a little depressing, and I haven't posted much in the past month, so I figured I have some catching up to do and I thought: What better way to get back into the swing of things with some movie talk? More specifically: Let's talk about what movies you should go see this weekend. So, with that in mind, I pulled up three (actually four, if you count Bridesmaids... which you should since it is one of the funniest movies this year) trailers for your viewing pleasure. WOOOO!

1. X-men: First Class

I know, I know, I've previously talked about how I was pretty uninterested in this flick, but the trailers (see below) have been getting more and more intriguing and cool. Plus, the reviews are really good and not just from the simpletons, either. The haters have been loving this flick, people... The HATERS!?!? Also, do you remember Jennifer Lawrence from Winter's Bone (if the answer is "no", then you need to go rent that movie now, you half-asser), anyway, she's playing Mystique. That's awesome. I'm ready. Let's watch the trailer together, shall we? SHALL WE?

2. 13 Assassins

They say it's Miike's Seven Samurai for the 21st Century. They say that the last forty minutes is a climatic samurai action extravaganza unlike anything you've ever seen. They say it's amazing. They say it's awesome. I am definitely going this week.

3. Attack the Block

A bunch of inner city London kids versus invading space aliens, but hardcore. Not cute, but kick ass. The festival buzz on this film is through the roof. You might not be able to see it anywhere yet, it's just starting its American release, but keep your eye out. It'll come and when it does, you should go. Everything I've read about this film is calling this fantastic.

So there you go. Three movies (four, counting Bridesmaids) that you should go see as soon as possible. That's my plan for this week.

At the movies,
Jon

So that’s done…

2011-06-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

Hey there. I know, I know. It’s been awhile and last time I was rather cryptic, huh? Well, here’s your explanation. Read on.

Basically, it went down like this.

So, as some of you may or may not recall, I sent out a new batch of queries for my book Gunslingers of the Apocalypse at the beginning of last month. I think I sent them out on a Saturday or something like that. Anyway, come Monday night, I am working down at Filmzilla. I had switched shifts with Beth so that fellow Scribblerati Agent Mark Teats and I could make the Wednesday night showing of Stake Land (meh...) during the Minneapolis International film festival. So, Monday night wasn’t exactly a hoppin’ video rental night and I eventually wandered back to the computer overlooking the porn room and checked my e-mail just like any other red-blooded, 21st century American Internet addict is wont to do and sitting there at the top of my inbox, above the seemingly never-ending pile of fucking Goodreads updates (I gotta remember to turn that Goddamn notification off) was a response…

From an agent.

Hmmm… I thought, it doesn’t look like an auto-reply telling me that they’ll get back to me at some point (liars…). No this was definitely from an agent. A real live agent. And her e-mail? In a word? Complimentary. Ridiculously complimentary. She had read my query and she had liked the title, no, she had LOVED the title and so she read the included twelve page sample. She loved that too. She FUCKING loved it, is the actual the quote, every word. She loved it so much, she wanted to read the first three chapters and she was hoping to hear from me that night. You see, she was going to be unavailable all Tuesday, but if I got her the sample that night, she’d be able to print it out and read it on Wednesday… AND, if that wasn’t enough, and it felt like I was trying to read this part through the sudden post-lightning bolt strike like haze of an aneurysm, the first line of her e-mail seemed to read: “As I said in my phone message, I thought this was fabulous…”

Phone message?

I dug out my crappy little pay-as-you-go Star Trek-esque flip phone. I had somehow accidentally turned it off vibrate and it had been on low volume.

One missed call. Well, fuck me.

The phone message was even better.

She loved my stuff.

I was giddy.

Breathless.

Of course, I was at Filmzilla too, with its recently upgraded and fancy-pantsy new computer system, which means it's no longer using dot matrix receipt printers and running the oh-la-la brand spankin’ and shiny new IE 6. That’s right… IE 6, bitches… eat my dust, Internet (you may remember the set up from when it was prominently featured in the red hot Matthew Broderick blockbuster: War Games.). So despite that bit of good luck (sarcasm), there was an issue, (trouble, oh trouble set me free) I didn’t have any pre-set up 3 Chapter Samples in my Google Docs, and there was no Word program on the Filmzilla 64 bit Master System. Luckily, there was Notepad! (More sarcasm…)

(Sudden aside: Why do they still make Notepad? I mean, granted, I’m taking about IE 6 here, but it’s on the current versions, too. Who the fuck uses Notepad? And for what?)

So anyway, Notepad… what the fuck? So, no Word program and no ready sample means I can’t send anything off. Shit! I’m sweaty and agitated and dancing from foot to foot and whining slightly ala Homer Simpson. I can’t send anything off! And I’m stuck here until midnight! If she gets it tonight, she can have it read by Wednesday! Fuck! Fuck. Fuck… Then I look at the e-mail. It was sent 9 minutes ago! The voice message was only about 15 minutes ago!

I’m calling her back!

This is a "Seize the day" moment, man.

So I call. I reach her at home. We chat. We bond. We get along famously. We both love the Wild Bunch and the Road Warrior (perfect for my book). We talk about me and my writing shit. We talk about her and possible possibilities. It’s all good. It’s awesome, in fact. Everything works out, big time. I can get her the sample by morning, so I do, late that night. She writes me on Wednesday and says: I love the way you write. Beautiful. Vindicating. My chest puffed out. I strutted. Send me the whole thing, she says. So I do. I print it out and I mail it and she lets me know she has it a week later. After that, all I have to do is sit back and wait until the end of the month for her to read the whole thing and get back to me.

It’s a long month.

I’m cautious. And quiet. Optimistic, but cautious. I try to maintain a perspective. She can still say “no”, but she had such a strong and positive reaction. We bonded. We liked the same stuff. I tell a select few. They agree with me, it’s such a strong response, this could be it… It’s a long wait. Could this be it?

Nope.

It’s not.

She said no.

…So that’s done. Sucks, huh?

She said: too wordy, too indulgent, too whatever. Most of all, she said: What does it add to the genre? Is it new enough? She questioned whether or not this is the novel to break me out in a crowded marketplace. She did say I was talented and showed potential, and there is that great title…

Great. That and a couple of bucks can get me a cup of coffee.

Yeah…

So, now what? After the long fall, after the height of heights was just within reach, what next? After I pick myself up again and dust myself off, where do I go from here?

I honestly don’t know. I could go back and re-read it. Cut. Edit. I know I could probably get it down more. I’m sure there’s probably some repeated stuff, some indulgences, some overly-dramatic flourishes and some unnecessary fat, sure. And it’s been awhile since I’ve really looked at the thing, so my eyes could be pretty fresh again, maybe. But I don’t know. It’s not that she’s wrong. That’s just it, I don’t think she is. I know I could get meaner with the edits, I was hoping I wouldn’t quite have to or that I could get some new insights as to where to begin, but yeah, I know I could definitely cut more.

The problem is: Is it worth the effort?

That's the question, because she’s right, the marketplace is crowded, really crowded, and not just the zombie genre, but books as a whole (although that’s another rant for another day, one about barbarians in the city and self-publishing and quality and pride in your work, blah, blah, blah…) and no one is reading any more or buying books… or more honestly, they are buying books, but only really famous names or $.99 e-books. It's the big current concern. No one gets any money anymore. Nothing sells. The whole industry is changing and how will it look on the other side? No one knows and everyone is scared.

Also, for awhile now, I’ve started to wonder if maybe I missed the zombie zeitgeist wave, if it might not be too late, if the surf might not be a bit overcrowded at this point, that there's no more room unless you're extra flashy. And worst yet, there's a lot of bad in this particular field. You want proof? Type zombie into Amazon and then count the dregs. Zombie shit is everywhere, people. TV, movies, books, comics… it’s everywhere. Now, everyone’s an expert. Now, everyone has a zombie apocalypse plan. Now, the zombie pub crawls are to douchebags what critical mass is to douchebags on bicycles.

Or maybe I suck.

It doesn't matter, because now everyone seems to be saying the same thing: Zombie Apocalypses are old hat. What’s the new thing?

I’m not even sure what that means, but I think they mean like running zombies or talking zombies or funny zombies or stories told from the zombie’s point of view or whatever. Maybe the people who were obsessed with the idea of how the virus started, regardless of how pointless a plot point that seemed to be to me, are the right ones. Maybe it’s time to acknowledge that all those “new” things being “added to the genre”, the things that I think of as hollow gimmicks, they are the key to success. That’s what people want. Fucking Avatar and Transformers 2 were the highest grossing films in the world last year, right? With ease! People want the raz-ma-taz and the easily identifiable. And I’m not bitching because my story is so amazing and so individual and so literature-y either. It’s not. It’s just an adventure story: Mad Max meets Dawn of the Dead. That’s it. Like a noir modern day western, but with zombies, and to me, that was the new thing, that was what I was “adding to the genre”, the story itself, the adventure in that setting, but that’s not what they look for. Who knows, maybe the story isn’t that new, either. I don’t know. Maybe that’s not what gets classified as new. It doesn’t matter. The fact remains, what the market wants as far as zombies are concerned and what sells well and what gets a lot of good Amazon reviews and all that, is not what I want to write about and since that shit is what gets picked, maybe it’s time for me to admit that I’m sitting here on a big unsellable shit of a project and just trunk the fucking thing and move on.

Meh...

Maybe the zombie zeitgeist wave broke while I was paddling out to it and now it’s just time for me to find a new beach, one with better waves and fewer tourists…

I don’t know.

I don’t blame the agent. She’s been around awhile; she is successful and respected and she knows what works and what sells. She was very nice and accommodating. And honestly, if they’re not crazy for it, then they’re not the agent for it, right? And there are other agents out there, too, I could keep querying. But I don’t know, all that: the saturated market, my storyline, considering all that shit I listed above, I feel like I’m on that game show, the one with the briefcases and the bimbos? It’s called: Fuck you, Howie Mandel or something. Anyway, you pick the cases and each one has a different dollar amount inside it and I think you pick one at a time, hopefully leaving the biggest amount for last, it’s like a million dollars or something, and if you do, you win that amount. I think. I’m not really sure how it’s a game show since it seems to be nothing but blind picking and dumb luck, but anyway, if you pick the million dollar case half way through, then that case is out of play and you won’t get a million dollars, no matter how the rest of the game goes.

I feel like I just picked my million dollar case.

She called me! Off a 12 page sample pasted into an e-mail! That never happens. Where do you go from there, but down? Who’s going to have that level of interest again? Is it reasonable to expect that it could happen again, or is it delusional? I mean, come on, to go from that level of interest down to “no”? There’s something there that I can't ignore: Something is wrong with the book, the story, with the timing of it all, maybe all of the above. I could try to fix it, but... if it's at the back-end slide of a trend, as well, why bother?

Unsellable, unwanted at its core, isn’t fixable.

Trunking it may be the only option. I’d hate to, I mean, there goes my whole book and three more I had waiting on deck with prep time under them and 6 years of work and a bunch of sweat and agonizing and planning and fuck-all, everything I had, gone, turning me into that poor fucker who comes in last at the Olympics. You know what I mean? The guy who gets last in the Olympics practices his ass off for four years, he makes it to the Olympics and he gets dead last? The son of a bitch could have eaten twinkies and sat on his ass for four years and done exactly the same… Dead last? Fucking waste of four years.

You know, the end of this coming September, I will have been querying for two years... Here I sit, broken hearted. Tried to shit, but only farted.

Oh sure, there were skills gained and lessons learned, but right now? Looking down at the wreckage? That and a couple of bucks, man… that and a couple of bucks… So what next, I ask, sitting here at this horrible fucking temp job, not working, clock watching like a mother fucker, the stretch of hours and days and weeks stuck here made all the more suddenly looming and nearly unbearable?

What. Fucking. Next.

I don’t know. I’ve still got some short stories to finish. I’ll get back to them, I guess. I've still got some queries out there, as well. And I was going to work on turning Monster into a novel, but… I don’t know if I’m feeling that one any more. I know they say you shouldn’t write to trends, but Jesus, man, right now the idea of spending a couple of years on a story set in a dystopian and post-apocalyptic future wrecked by the sudden, wild return of magic and monsters, the story of a bunch of convicts given a chance at freedom if they perform one job, a kind of magical, grim and gritty fantasy/sci-fi Dirty Dozen versus a Dragon in the ruins of Minneapolis…? Only to find out that people would rather read a vampire detective story?

Ppppppppbbbbbbbbhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttttt…

Fucking hell…

We'll see, I guess,

Jon

A brief Brief and an abridged Abridgment

2011-05-06T00:20:00.000-07:00

So, I've been pretty quiet lately, right?

It's true, lordy, lordy, how it's true. I've been down right nonparticipatory, haven't I? Now, I know what you're thinking. I know how you fret. What's going on? Am I okay? This silence is so unlike me. Surely you would have heard at least something out of me by now... right?

Well, the short answer is this: "Don't worry, I'm fine."

While the longer answer is this: "Don't worry, I'm fine. And don't call me Shirley."

And this is what the answer would look like if it were written in a traditional below-the-mason-dixon-line southern accident: "Why, what? Me? Aw... now, don't ya'll go worryin' yo'selves 'bout little ol' me. Why Ah'm just fine, Ah promise ya'. Ah'm just fine. Ain't you sweet..."

As my long time readers will no doubt assure all you Noobs, this is how it sometimes goes around these here parts. I'm sure by now you've all experienced the mysterious refrain I offer, after reappearing from a prolonged vanishing from this here little old blog of mine for a piece or two, right?

Yep, that's right, "I've been busy," that's right.

And this time, I want you all to know that when I'm saying "busy" I'm not actually saying "lazy" or "drunk". I swear. Really. For reals, this time. I'm not going to say too much more, for fear of a jinx (knock on wood), so you'll just have to trust me, but there is some serious shit brewing, kids... big time. What, you want a hint? Well, allow me to first posit a bit of a poser to you: Have you been keeping an eye on my Query Status sidebar lately? Hmmm? Have you?

There's movement out there, kids, there are things in the mist...

I don't know what it is yet, but it might be something... something big, so I'm planning on hanging out a bit and just waiting and seeing awhile, know what I mean? Don't worry, I'll pop in some this month from time to time. I know I'll probably have some words to say about Thor, at least, after I see it, but otherwise expect this to be a bit of a lean month, blog-wise... because something else has my attention.

And it's big...

Cross your fingers and wish me luck,
Jon

Tarsem Singh's Immortals

2011-04-30T17:40:00.000-07:00

God knows I love the Greek myths, I am a huge geek, after all...

But after the horrid, horrid, God awful stupidity that was Snyder's Suckerpunch. I am somewhat wary of another member of the slick and stylized set of Directors getting leave to make a film with their vision unfettered by the calming (and very obviously extremely necessary) influence of outside editorial input.

Tarsem Singh, I think it is safe to say, is one of those directors, the kind generally more concerned with style over substance. I mean, we've all seen The Cell, probably. It is visually arresting, no doubt, but it is also... well... stupid. Tarsem Singh didn't write it though, so that's not all his fault. He didn't write The Fall either, and while that was significantly better than The Cell and even more amazing looking, it wasn't that great either.

And so, we arrive at The Immortals (apparently Singh prefers his titles to be not too overly clever), his latest film, which is about the Greek hero of Legend: Theaseus... kind of... by which I mean, probably not at all, except that some of the names are the same.

So with all that, plus the scalding memory of Frank Miller's more than a little fascist (and saturated with more homoeroticism than Fight Club) 300, (also directed by Zach Synder) and the blind drunk uber-stupidity of the Clash of the Titans remake still fresh in my mind, it's probably not all that surprising that I'm meeting this film with more a bit of healthy skepticism.

But on the other hand, this is what it looks like:

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Call of the Dead

2011-04-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, sorry about the lack of posts lately. I've been busy doing my thing. You know how it is. Anyway, I'll put up a proper post later this week, pinkie swear. Until then, here's a little something worth checking out, it's the great grindhouse themed trailer for the latest bit of downloadable content for Call of Duty: Black Ops.

The only good zombie, is a dead zombie.

Found at Badass Digest.

Updates!

2011-04-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

Afternoon all,

Last night was a bit of a rough one for yours truly. What started out as a simple night, a quick couple of drinks, ended up turning into a long time lean at the bar with an age old and stalwart pal, J Town Jason. There was beer, beer, and more beer. And nachos, there were nachos too. Chit-chat, chit-chat, talk, talk, talk, and good times were had by all. This morning however… well, I am no longer a young man, so today became a sudden and much needed day off. Uff-dah, know what I mean? J Town was certainly staggered by it, as he was hunkered over and shouting for Huey against the porcelain chill of the toilet this afternoon.

So I had been planning on doing a blog in the next couple days or so, but being that I’m suddenly spending the day just killing some time until my regular Wednesday night shift over at Filmzilla, I thought I’d spend that time with you lovely people, my dear and constant readers, ever faithful, ever appreciated. And I thought, since it had been awhile since the last time I did one of these, that today was as good a day as any to run down my break down a little bit.

What’s that? Oh yeah, that’s right…

UPDATES!

Gunslingers of the Apocalypse
The first three chapters were requested by an agent and sent off around two months ago. I’m hoping to hear back from them yay or a nay sometime in the coming weeks. (Pssst… I’m hoping for yay.) While all that’s going on, this weekend I need to check in on the rest of my queries currently out there in submission limbo, zero out any long time no-responses, update my Spreadsheet, and then I'll send out a new batch by early next week. As always, my friends, fingers crossed, yes?

Short story project
I’m feeling really good here. My initial plan was to have 6 to 8 “finished” short stories by spring/summer and then working on them to a submission ready level of quality so I could start sending them out. But this wasn’t just a quest for a certain quantity of quality stories that I could hopefully sell, maybe a bit yeah, but more so I wanted to break out of the edit mode I’d been in the past year and work myself back into a writing mode and let me tell ya’, so far, so good. Since my parole from the Day Prison, I have been chugging along like a house a’fire. I wrote The Little Things some time last year, but in the time since the lay-off, I’ve cranked out another three stories (each about 7000 words or so a piece), with a fourth story that is almost finished—at least first draft finished—and four more that are waiting patiently for their turn under the pen. So, ideally, I could have up to nine short stories in heavy edit rotation by sometime in the next two months.

Ideally, we’ll see.

Anyway…

The Little Things has had a title change. It’s now called: Billy Torch takes a beating. A little on the nose, sure, maybe, but is it more evocative? I think so. I’ve got one more round of edits on it, which I’m plan on inserting and adjusting this week and then I’ll start sending it out again.

The Plague of Man, The Road Home, and Station #47 all had some really good responses from the Scribblerati and are ready for me to get to work on them, adding, adjusting and re-writing their various bits and pieces before sending them out to others for more responses. That’ll all start to happen maybe next week. Probably next week.

Yash Scarlett and the Gates of Hell is almost finished. There’s about a third or so left to be written, which I’ll do most likely tomorrow and Friday, then I’ll read it and hammer at it and re-work it, blah, blah, blah. I want it ready for submission to the Scribblerati to critique at our meet, which is in about two weeks.

As for the other four, they are still unborn. Mostly they’re just notes and phrases and random what-not at the moment, each one saved into their own little separate file. We’ll see what they become in the coming weeks, I don’t know, but I have good feelings.

The new Novel project
Right now it’s looking like Monster is going to be my next novel project. Bastard out of Minnesota is trunked until there’s movement on Gunslingers of the Apocalypse and my untitled Superhero Epic is really nothing but wisps of ideas and a couple of situations and possible characters. I’m letting it simmer in the back of my head still, because it’s not ready to poke at yet.... yet…

So, Monster it is. Some of you may recall me talking about it before now, a failed short story that I couldn’t get to work out right. I’ve rewritten it and I’ve worked at it, but it just wouldn’t cooperate, it was all bulgy and ungainly, it was just too large to fit into a space so small, so… novel. Hopefully. My idea is to make a 90,000 word novel out of it, which will sit right in the middle of the “preferred word count” holy writ AND being that it’s a kind of dystopian future, urban fantasy tale, basically the Dirty Dozen vs. a Dragon, I think it’s sellable. Heh… unless it sucks…. Let’s hope it doesn’t. I’ll let you know. I expect to start working on it by June? Maybe? Hopefully. I think it’s a fun story and I like the settings and the characters a lot, so I’m looking forward to working on it.

That’s it, that’s my writing life, that’s where I’m at for the next couple of months. Fingers crossed for me, fingers crossed for you.

Later gators,
Jon

Melancholia

2011-04-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

Here's the trailer to Lars Von Trier's next film: Melancholia.

It looks like there's some fantastic apocalyptic visuals and general end of the world stuff going on and that's always fun, so I'm interested. Also: Apparently Kirsten Dunst is a big girl actress now, because her boobs are out and about and bouncing around all over this trailer, so be ready for that shit.

Melancholia from Zentropa on Vimeo.

A Scribblerati Book Review

2011-04-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, guess what?

That's right, you clever, clever little monkeys... I have written something new and it is posted over at the blog of your favorite local Twin Cities' area writers' group: The Scribblerati! It's a book review and it's all about Joe Abercrombie's The Heroes.

And you can read it here.

Go on now,
Jon