Well, well, well, looky, looky here, kids, looky here, looks like it’s that time again. It's that magic time of year when every asshole, squatting out there in the Internet dark, jabbering on about movies (like yours truly, for example…) starts to make their lists summing up the previous year’s offerings: The Best of, the worst of, the so-so of, and on and on and on, blah-blah-blahbiddy-quack-quack. Far be it from me to ignore an opportunity to run with the herd, right?
Now, as those of you who’ve been here before probably already know, my Top Ten Worst lists eschews the smaller films that just didn’t make it, the micro-budget idiot fests, and the “ironically” bad. Those lists are the haven for the hipster douche, the wad-job posers and their asswipe game of “Stump the Band”, ever digging to find that point where the most obscure meets the biggest pile of poo. I see no point in this. And often times, it’s one big “duh”. And in many cases, honestly, I just never see the films. Sharktopus? Never saw it. I don’t need to actually step in dog poop in order to tell whether or not it’s actual dog poop. Oh, is The Room terrible? What a shocker, especially considering the writer/director is some kind of high functioning delusional. Go on, laugh at him, laugh at him pretending like all along he intended to make the film that bad on purpose, debasing himself for any kind of acceptance. Does laughing at him (and the many like him) at your stupid little intentional-kitsch, neo-Rocky Horror circle-jerks make your memories of high school hurt less?
You bag of dicks.
Anyway, no, my Top Ten list focuses on those with the most opportunity to get it right, the hacks that had the money, the talent, and the time and yet, somehow, against all odds, failed completely. For a moment, think about how many millions they spent and that these sub-par efforts were the results. Millions.
So let’s do this shit…
(Note: I haven’t seen Tron yet)
The official Jon Hansen’s Top Ten Worst films of 2010:
10. The Expendables
This film completely failed in every way that A-Team somehow did not, a result that I would never have expected a year ago. How does a movie featuring Liam Neeson in a really, really bad Hannibal Halloween costume and an upside down flying helicopter defeat a movie starring a veritable who’s-who of classic action alumni? I mean, shit, who would have thought Jean Claude Van Damme was right to turn down this film? Really, how is this movie not the very absolute definition of a fun, loud popcorn movie? How do you mess up something so easy? Well, with a surprisingly convoluted and even more surprisingly stupid plot, even for the low standards of cheesy 80s action flicks, for starters. Have none of these guys ever seen the Dirty Dozen? Or maybe The Guns of Navarone? Or at least Seven Samurai?
9. Eat Pray Love
First. World. Problems.
8. The Town
Gone Baby Gone was surprisingly good. Ben Affleck really did well behind the camera, so when I heard about this film, I was excited. But… this film isn’t so much bad, really, it’s more of a paste job of a couple dozen other movies I’ve already seen and liked better. Ben did good job behind the camera again, and a not so great job in front of it. Jeremy Renner is great. Blake Lively is hot. The action was well done, but… yeah… I’ve seen it before and liked it better the first time. Predictable. A little boring. And some parts made me wonder when the book was written as some of the scenes made no sense when you consider the capabilities of modern technology.
7. Grown Ups
Good lord. This film is like anti-comedy. It answers, at great and tortuous length, a question no one really wanted an answer to: What happens to once (long ago) funny comedians when they’ve lost their edge, their appeal and their souls? Oh, they make ensemble films… for the families… mostly about pee jokes… and falling down. I don’t know how they can look themselves in the mirror, I honestly don’t.
6. The Losers
Dumb. That’s the only way to describe this film. This film is dumb. DUMB. They actually have a scene where the main male and the token female (you can tell they don’t like each other because of the way they say mean things to each other) start fighting and shooting and karate-ing the shit out of each other in this hotel room and somehow, at some point, blink and you’ll miss… their fighting? That’s right; it slips smoothly into love, rough sexy love. You know the type, the-PG-13-not-physically-possible-because-of-genital-placement-girl-keeps-her-bra-on-the-whole-time type of love? Oh, look out! That punch is a now a sexy caress and suddenly… Hump-hump-humpitty-hump, but still crashing around the room. Willow Smith aint got nothing on them! Ha! Butt thrust! Take that, table lamp! …Man, the things you can get away with in Mexico, huh? Yeah, we’ve all been there. It’s how I and Little Ms. Super-cute Wife met, truth be told. Honestly, I don’t walk out on movies (often), but I considered it with this one and I probably would have, if the tickets at MOA didn’t cost $40,000 a piece. I think J Town Jason was mad at me for awhile for suggesting the film in the first place, so it turned out kind of funny…
This movie is for everyone who really liked the first Predator, but wished it was really, really stupid. I know people try to rationalize. They say: “You just have to turn off your brain…” Fuck you. This movie is a direct result of people enabling this kind of shit. And the worst part? The people behind the movie don’t even try to pretend like they care, even a little bit. For example, here is an actual transcript of one (I forget which one) of the Pre-production meetings:
“Let’s put them on an alien planet, so the Predators can hunt them!”
“But… don’t the Predators prefer to hunt the best warriors in their natural environment because it’s like… I don’t know… more of a challenge or something?”
“But this would be cooler! It’s an Alien world! …We can film it in Texas.”
“Well, wasn’t it supposed to be like… like a regular action movie, you know, like a “real” setting… and THEN this crazy alien gets thrown into the midst… I mean, wasn’t that cool in the first one?”
“I don’t understand. It’s gonna be just like the first one, just without, you know, all the talking…”
“Uh… ok… um… so how do they get to this planet?”
“Uh… ppphhhbbbbtt… Hmm… They… uh… They wake up and they’re just falling out of the sky?”
4. Prince of Persia
Okay, so it’s bad enough that they decided to make a film called Prince of Persia and then decided to cast a white guy in the leading role, but Jake Gyllenhaal? How did this happen? It’s like everyone was asleep at the wheel. What’s the first name you think of when I say non-stop action starring a Persian man? Jake Gyllenhaal! What did he do, just kind of move into the trailer and no one on set had the heart to tell him no, so they just filmed the movie anyway? It’s so ridiculous that sometimes I forget this movie actually exists and isn’t just some horribly on the nose comedy skit about how stupid Hollywood is.
3. The Wolfman
What a god damn mess. There are plenty of reasons: studio interference, changing Directors mid-film, terrible acting, a face-palmingly stupid script… But here’s the ultimate: In the beginning of the movie, the woman character goes to London to fetch Benecio Del Toro home because someone is sick or something. Then she disappears and he rides the train home alone and she’s already there. How did she get home? It’s like 1901, she didn’t take the fucking monorail (monorail, monorail, monorail… ). Not only that, but who was the old guy on the train that left Benecio the silver headed wolf cane while he slept? (FORESHADOWING!!! LOOK OUT!!!) Well, later in the movie, either he or she, (I can’t remember, I may have been watching the film upside and spread eagle on the floor by this point…) one of them mentions how she had asked him to come home from London BY MAIL! Incredible. They just say that out loud, as if the original scene didn’t happen like 30 minutes earlier! Do you know what that means? It means they never had a complete script. It means they shot it piece-meal. It means they did numerous rewrites and reshoots and that they couldn’t even bother, THEY COULDN’T EVEN BOTHER, ON A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR PROJECT, TO RE-WATCH THEIR OWN FINISHED FILM ONE TIME! NOT ONE TIME! Not even to check to see if it was in the right order. Unbelievable.
2. Clash of the Titans
Here is a perfect example of a movie made by a bunch of witless morons sitting around a room and writing a movie stoned. It’s a barely coherent narrative strung together by “cool” scenes. Like, for instance, they go see Medusa, but they have to cross the River Styx… Yeah, I know… anyway, in order to get across the river, they have to pay the Ferry-man a coin to ride his super bitching mega-death ferry WITH SKELETONS! WAAAAAAAH!!!! Too bad for them, the coin is impossible to get, no living dudes ever, EVER, get to cross the river Styx. EVER! It’s impossible. OH! Wait! Here comes Super shiny Liam Neeson. He just gives them the coin. Problem solved. Ok, so they come sail away on the Ferry, while the bland guy from Avatard gets it on atop a pile of skeletons with his LA-DAY! OF THE MOR-NING! So they get to Medusa’s house… and the place is full, chock fucking full, of stone statues of guys who had been trying to kill Medusa… But wait, Jon, you say, I’ve read a book or two in my time, what’s wrong with that? That’s what happens when you look at Medusa. And I’d say: You’re right… but how did they get there? We just spent 20 minutes talking about how impossible it is to get there. So, who the fuck are these guys? Dumb. Now, I know, I know, this may sound like a minor quibble, except for A: this is just one example of MANY. And B. Reverse engineering the sequences just illustrates that the whole thing was constructed to service some idiot’s idea of “cool”. They REALLY wanted to do Medusa’s temple filled with statues and they REALLY wanted to show the super bitching mega-death ferry WITH SKELETONS!!! ROCK!!!!! WAAAAAAAAH!!!!, but they couldn’t figure out how to make it all fit, so they went with the “ah… fuck it” route… Millions of dollars, folks… Millions of dollars….
1. Alice in Wonderland
In the simplest words and simplest terms: This film is hot and steaming movie vomit. Tim Burton, we are no longer friends, understand? You’re on my list! Johnny Depp? You watch your ass, buddy.
So there you have it, kids. The worst of a not-so-hot year. Let me know what you think below. You know, kids (I’m taking a seat here and getting serious, bringing the room down a bit…) we have our fun, here at my blog, but sometimes, when I’m making these lists, it’s sad to see just how many crappy films came out. You forget that some of them even ever existed, and then, FART… oh, there’s that one… Sad. Remember The Good Guys? Greenzone? Sad…
On a brighter note, I’ve got a couple of more movies I need to see, and then my almost complete “Top Ten Best films of 2010” list will be complete and I’ll post it soon after. It’s a good list, I think, and I’ll probably have it up this weekend or early next week. I’ve also started to put together an initial “Films to Watch for with Jon” list for 2011 too… so there’s that.
Keep an eye out, folks, and here’s wishing us better cinematic luck in the coming year,