Saturday, December 31, 2011

The End of the Year (2011)

This is the End, beautiful friend,
This is the End, my only friend. The End...

Well, not really. Not completely. Not at all, in fact. Really, it's just the end of the year. Woo-hoo. If you ask me, this is a good thing as 2011 kind of sucked balls, right? It did. I mean, there were some high points, yes, some really good high points, but mostly...? It was kind of blah. For example, I'm currently putting together my best and worst films of the year list (which I'll be posting in a few days or so) and let me tell you, the best of list? Not easy.

So, so long year of the Rabbit, you little bastard! Bring on the year of the Dragon!

The year of the Dragon. Nice, I happen to have been born in the Year of the Tiger. Check out the link. Sounds like me doesn't it? Sexy AND dangerous. Anyway, 2012 is the year of the Dragon, a year where I just happen to be working on a new book... a book that features a Dragon...

Heh... It could be a good year...

Hey, you know what we haven't done in awhile?


So like I said, 2011 was an up and down year for me, writing-wise. I decided to trunk my first novel Gunslingers of the Apocalypse, with the intention of letting it cool a bit, because there are still some kinks I need to work out of it. In the meantime, I've been busy lobbing short stories at the high and formidable walls of Fortress Publication and for most of the year, I was rebuffed, turned back, as it were. Forced to run away. And for most of the year the best I could say about that particular effort was: At least there were no Frenchmen manning the ramparts with their vicious tauntings.

Yeah, trying to get published is actually a lot like this...

But then...

But then I sold my first story. Do you guys remember that? Have I mentioned this before? No? Oh, well, in that case, check this shit out. I sold my first short story Harris to the second volume of a local anthology called Cifiscape (pronounced Sci-fi scape, here's their website). The book's theme is Minnesota-ish authors writing stories about a dystopian future Twin Cities, but with a little hope, and not always specifically about the Twin Cities as well, whatever. It's cool. You can find the first volume here (Discounted for the Holidays!).


Also, since a new year is all about new beginnings (I guess), in the next few months or so, I'll be printing out the full "final" version of Gunslingers of the Apocalypse with an eye toward knocking out 20,000ish words, tightening where I can, and generally seeing what a year or so away has done to my eyes. I'm not sure what I'll do with it after that, for now there's only the first goal: New version. Then? Who knows? We shall see.

And that's not all...

And that's not all, I have started work on a new project, the above mentioned Dragon-appearing-within story. It's a book from a short story that wouldn't mush down to short story size, so now I'm letting it stretch its legs a bit. The holidays, being the son of a bitch they are, has cut into my writing time of late and I haven't been able to be at the desk as much as I'd prefer, but with all that shit soon to be behind me (except for a few late presents that I still need to pick up and ship out), my schedule is coming clear, so I am cracking my writing knuckles and getting ready to wade back in there.

Starting with right after I finish this blog...

But wait! There's more...

But wait! There's more! In my ever-continuing quest to better myself and my writing and to seek out new opportunities... Actually, this isn't my quest. I mean, it is, sure. It's everybody's right? I'm just saying that I've never stated this as my quest. It's not a mantra or anything. I don't have it taped to a mirror ala Stuart Smalley, it's just a general thing. That's all I'm saying... but I digress. Anyway, there's this thing, this writers workshop thing called Clarion West. It's kind of a big deal, people know about it.

I'm going to apply to it.

How will I pay for it? What if I can't take the six weeks off?

Distant bridges, my friends, ones that I will cross in the event that I actually make the cut. Which I may or may not. It's pretty competitive, I guess. So, we will see. The important part is that I'm going to apply. After that, we'll see.

Wish me luck!

And happy new years!

I am, as always,

Also, there's this. You must, must watch it. Really.

Friday, December 23, 2011

The Scribblerati

The holidays are imminent!

Run to the hills! Run for your lives! Pray to whatever god you hold dear!

And if you have a moment, swing on over to the Scribblerati Blog and have a read. I've put up a little something-something to celebrate the holiday season. And, as the year winds down, make sure to keep an eye out for a new blog, probably in the next few days, it's gonna be just a little bit of general catch-up on what's going on with everything Jon. Also, my Best/Worst films of 2011 lists are coming. I'm preparing them now. Get excited. We'll talk soon.


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Holy fucking nerd balls!

Watch this. Watch it twice. Then watch it again.

You know what? Chicken butt. Ok sure, but you know what else? Here's the new Hobbit trailer and I am giddy, people. I am giddy as a school girl. I am very excited. Let me repeat that shit for all of you out there in the cheap seats: I am VERY excited. After the ridiculously underwhelming new Batman trailer and the International Avenger's trailer that not only shows only ein kleine bit of new stuff but is auf Deutsch like a Schweinhund, this trailer here is a very positive thing. Very positive.

I'm geeking out, man. I am geeking out.

Can't hardly wait,

Saturday, December 17, 2011

For the Gamers

This one is for all you Gamers out there. Below you'll find another fan-film. I post these on occasion, don't cha' know. Anyway, this one starts out as a really well made, faithful, and pretty exciting Left 4 Dead short film by filmmaker Adrian Picardi and Northern Five Entertainment and then it kinda goes crazy.

Just watch it.

And make sure to stay until the end.


Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Stop the presses!

Some of you Hansen-fanatics out there may recall a few weeks back when I announced that I had sold my short story Harris over on the Scribblerati blog. Some of you Johnny-come-latelys may not recall this... well, catch up! Anyway, the Cifiscape website went live today and they are announcing the myriad and sundry authors who will be appearing in the upcoming anthology. And who, you may be asking, is first?

That'd be me...

Go me!


Saturday, December 10, 2011

The Walking Dead: Season Two, Episode Seven: Pretty Much Dead Already

This season, I've been reviewing each episode as it aired--for the most part--grimly slogging through each one, each week. And this is it, folks. The end of the season. The last episode. The big one. The Whopper. Are you ready? Well, you better be, because the train is leaving the station, people, here we go. You can read the rest of my reviews for this season here, if you want.

"Pretty Much Dead Already"

Oh, and from this point on: Here there be SPOILERS!

You've been warned

Ok, so, in a nutshell, this episode encapsulates absolutely everything that is wrong with this show. All flash and no substance. All show and no go, ya'know?

Maybe that’s a bit harsh. I mean, it’s undeniable at this point that since firing the ENTIRE season one writing staff and then turning around and giving Frank Darabont the boot, the show has gotten better. It was the right idea. AMC recognized that the previous season had some issues and made an effort to correct them and taking these actions have resulted in a dramatic rise in quality with each successive episode (for the most part…). There have definitely been some cool moments.

That being said, all those folks they used to replace the fired ones?

They are only marginally better.

Which means, instead of ridiculously, embarrassingly bad and overwrought and completely lacking focus, it’s now merely boring and pedestrian and seemingly unaware of its lack of complexity. Now, some would say that the writers are simply making the best of a bad situation, responding to the fall out of things put in place before their time. And sure, I can see that, to an extent, but here’s where that theory starts to leak…

The season arc (or at least, it's intention) isn't the problem.

It's just fine in fact. It's a good goal. Look, here's how it should go: In Buffy, a season’s arc would be something like exploring Buffy’s first love and her first heartbreak and to tie that—both literally and metaphorically—into the story of Angel losing his soul and “going bad”. Now, compare that to this season’s arc of The Walking Dead, which was—as I see it—Sophia goes missing, so the group looks for her while trying to stay safe on the farm and metaphorically tie all that into the characters’ realization that the world has become harder and meaner and lost it’s innocence. Now wait, you say, both of those sound pretty alright. I mean, sure, the Walking Dead's might be a little more clunky and heavy-handed, but hey, Buffy was a superior show. So, what’s the problem?

Well, let's take a looksie...

The problem lies in the wetwork, the stuff in close, the character moments, the dialogue, the little in between bits that lie between the framework that Darabont erected and that the new writing staff may or may not have been helpless before and forced to deal with.

The problem is: All of that stuff is poorly done.

This episode starts with off with Glenn finally telling the rest of the group about the walkers in the barn. The rest of the episode has everyone hemming and hawing around, doing nothing, arguing nonsense and killing time, while Shane tries desperately to point out the obvious truth of what needs to be done, and why, to the gigantic herd of idiots. All of this culminates in Shane, fed up with the group's stupidity and unable to take it anymore, boiling over when he sees Herschel and Rick trying to drag two more zombies into the barn, so he instead releases the whole lot of them and then he and the others shoot all of the zombies down. Problem solved.

But then...

But then, one last zombie comes out of the barn and it’s Sophia. Oh, the pathos. Pathos, sorrow and sadness. Rick shoots her down and… roll credits.

Powerful, huh?

Not really.

Here's why: Who the fuck is Sophia?

This moment might have meant something, if Sophia had spoken more than maybe a dozen lines in the first season or appeared in maybe more than four or five minutes of the first episode this season, which is the last time we ever saw her. Sure, we know she’s Carol’s daughter, we know they’ve been looking for her, and anyone with half a brain can see that they’re trying to re-do (poorly) the same theme that they lumbered into last season (poorly):

The world has been horribly and irrevocably changed.

What? In a zombie apocalypse?


And just like the previous season, they fumbled it. First off, the shock is somewhat diluted because they’ve already pulled the “shoot a little kid” heart-string and they did it in the very first minutes of the very first episode. Secondly, because they just took too damn long to kill off a character we don't know at all. Maybe if they had kept Sophia around for even one more episode and had her actively participating even a little bit, maybe they could have made her a character we cared about more than just in a vague “nobody wants to see a little kid shot” kind of way.

You know what else might have made the moment better?

Carl should have put her down, not Rick, and for two reasons. One, like I said, Rick’s already shot a kid. Two, it could have been what is sometimes known as a: “character moment”. It could have been used as a signal that Carl is entering this world before the adults are able to, or even capable of, that he's surrendering his childhood prematurely, and that would have been a sad thing and more in line with the greater theme they were aiming for, and it would have been a hell of a lot more of a gut punch than just having him swear while talking to Shane, which is what they did instead…

Even better, imagine if it had been Carl in that barn...

That would have been something, because bottom line: When you kill a character that matters, people sit up and take notice (Game of Thrones). When all you do is kill off glorified redshirts, only the stupid get swept up.

Now, was the whole shoot-out at the end cool? Yeah, it was great fun and like always, it looked great too. But like the herd scene, like the well zombie, like Shane and Andrea in the suburb or whatever, a handful of awesome does not make up for all of the lackluster character moments, the go-nowhere wheel-spinning plots, and the terrible (and often repeated in the same episode) soliloquies.

Of course, this dumb plot isn’t just the show’s fault. The whole Hershel/"zombies are just sick" thing is from the comic and it was just as stupid there, too. I mean, I get it, let’s say Hershel is mentally ill.

Let's say that he had a mental break when his wife zombiefied. That’s understandable. He couldn’t kill her or his step-son, so he lost it and locked them in the barn instead, deluding himself that they’re just sick and that they’ll be cured someday. Ok, fine. Got it. It can happen. I'll accept that.

But what’s everyone else’s excuse?

All those other people on the farm? What the fuck? I mean, I love the elder males in my family. I respect them, I listen to them. They’re good people. But if, say... one of them wanted me to wrangle a rabid dog into the garage instead of shooting a very dangerous and contagious animal that is threatening our family? I would tell them to shut their mouth and pull their stupid old head out of their stupid old ass. The problem with Hershel’s stance (and his family’s acquiescence to it) is that it is just so God damn stupid. It’s so blatantly wrong, there's no way you can empathize with him. It just becomes annoying and that gets in the way of enjoying the show. Is it possible that people could have the same reaction he does? Is it possible that people could do the same thing he does?

Yes, of course it's possible… BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S GOOD TV!!!

Because it most definitely is not. The audience--especially myself--just sits there and looks at the reality of the show and listens to the crap Hershel says and watches Rick put up with it… and it’s just annoying. You just sit there and wait for it to be done and hope for a better storyline and that is the problem with the show in a nutshell, for me.

I’m watching it and the whole time, I’m just waiting for a better storyline. And at this point, I don’t think it’s coming.

Look at what they do with Shane in this episode.

Here’s how it works. Basically, every time Shane opens his mouth, he’s right.

1. He left a comatose Rick behind, because he weighed his options and realized he couldn’t save Rick, his family and himself, so he had to choose and only an asshole could see it any differently.

2. He said it was a bad idea for Rick to go back for Meryl and it was for every reason you could think up. Meryl was a junkie, degenerate, racist redneck asshole, who may not have deserved to die, but he certainly was a threat to the group. Plus, it took much needed guns away from the camp, which they ended up needing when zombies attacked and people died.

3. He realized that there was no way he and Otis could get away and thus, save Carl (who Otis so irresponsibly shot—if he was close enough to see the deer, he was close enough to see Carl), so he put Otis down. A cold choice, but he weighed the lives of his loved ones against a stranger. It’s not a fun choice, but in a zombie world? It was the right one.

4. He was right about Sophia being dead. Of course she was dead. It was just too impossible for her to get that lost in so short a time in such a small area so close to a highway. Especially when you add zombies to the mix. Even without zombies, after 72 hours you’re not looking for a kid, you’re looking for a body and he knew that staying in one place so long only put the group in danger and as it ended up, it was only through his direct action did they avoid a repeat of the zombie camp attack.

5. He wanted to put down the walkers in the barn, because they're dangerous, despite what Hershel wanted, because Hershel is a stupid old crazy asshole. Shane realizes this because a. Hershel had a barn full of walkers. And b. Hershel wanted the main characters, a group that consisted of basically EXTREMELY nice and helpful and well-armed people, to move on and leave him in the middle of nowhere, with just his old ass (who doesn't "like" guns), a boy, a girl, and two women that he doesn’t let do anything… What about running the farm long term? What was his plan in case of attack? Shane saw all of this and said: “Why would anyone listen to the old bastard? He’s just going to get people killed.” And he was right… as evidenced by all of the family members he had in the barn…

And the truly hacky part of all of this is that you can tell that the writers are trying to turn Shane into this big meanie, nothing but a loose cannon (But he gets results, you stupid chief!), one that can’t be trusted. They're trying to make him into some kind of dangerous and evil potential bad guy, but… they just keep accidentally making him into “the smart one”. You can just hear them in the writing room, too, just so fucking confused about why people don't like Rick more:

"But he's the hero...?"

Speaking of Rick, why does he even want to stay at Hershel’s farm? Hershel doesn’t “allow” them to carry weapons. He has no fences. His house is all windows. They don’t keep a watch. The only reason these people are still alive is due to the fact that somehow the zombies haven’t run across them. They're like the zombie apocalypse version of a drunk person stumbling unscathed through traffic. I mean, they live two miles from the freeway where a massive herd of zombies almost got the main characters. It is completely indefensible and unsafe, not too mention generally unfriendly. It’s only upside is the multiple wells, but shit, fat lot of good that’s gonna do you when the first floor of the house is teeming with zombies.

But I digress…

You suck                                            You suck

                  You suck                                     Ugh, you're the worst      

You're cool                                           You suck   

                    You're alright                         I want to like you, but I just don't   

       You annoy me                                        Who are you again?
                You're not even on the show anymore.                  You're cool                                    

You suck


And so, another season of Walking Dead lumbers in, meanders about, falls over and drags itself to its death. I really want to like this show, but I just can’t. I love the idea of tuning in each week for a bit of the zombie apocalypse. If this was good and I had Game of Thrones, maybe a Marvel Knights type show and a live action Star Wars show that was good?

Heaven, my friends. Heaven.

But no, the Walking Dead is just another V or Heroes or Terranova or Falling Skies or whatever, this is a show that the concept is something I want, adore, but the execution is something that I just can not stand. And worse yet, it's not because it doesn't adhere to my own personal vision, it's because it is bad. It is poor quality. And I feel like I’ve given the show its fair shot, more than its fair shot. 13 episodes of wheel-spinning and needless soliloquies and flubbed character moments and missed opportunities and hack banter. It's bad.

In the simplest of terms: This show sucks and when it returns in January, I won’t.

And it had so much potential too...

Walkin' on,

Friday, December 9, 2011



Yes, that is definitely how it's spelled.

Why? What does it mean? How is it pronounced? What is it?

I have no idea, nothing, except that it is weirdly awesome. Just watch it.

I found this at Io9.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Old Milwaukee

So, most of the reason I have this blog is because I'm a bit of an OCD son of a bitch. I like to have stuff and like, put it in its spot, so that I know it's there... you know, just in case I need it. Anyway, so when it comes to videos that I like to watch over and over again, I post them here under the guise of sharing it with millions of devoted readers. But it's not about you, kids, it's about me. After all, if I've said it once, I've said it again, just to rehash the joke: this IS mine...

And here we are. Full circle

I found these over at Badass Digest today, enjoy!

Old Milwaukee... tastes as great as its name.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

John Carter of Mars

Edgar Rice Burroughs is the man who created Tarzan.

Perhaps lesser known, he is also the creator of the pulp adventurer: John Carter. Carter is a Civil War veteran and later a gold prospector who, when wounded and dying after an attack by Apaches in the Arizona desert, awakens to find himself on Mars.


Don't worry about it. Shit happens.

The important part is that he ends up on Mars.

He quickly discovers that, due to the lower gravity, he can jump like a crazy man and is really strong. So, naturally (being an American) he starts breaking stuff and fighting multi-armed Martians and multi-armed gorillas and maybe even a multi-armed tiger too. There's a definite evolutionary theme goin' on there... Anyway, he also meets a beautiful and butt-naked Princess by the name of Dejah Thoris and, shock of all shocks, he finds her really attractive. And it turns out, he's not the only one and as a result: War on the Red Planet. This puts John Carter on the path to becoming the warrior-savior of what the natives call Barsoom, to becoming the Warlord of Mars.

Burroughs wrote tons of books in this series, the first being Princess of Mars, and they're fun, crazy, early 20th century pulp adventures. They're a great time, but just distinctively weird because they're a product of both the time and Burrough's wild imagination. Because of all this, the John Carter of Mars series is one of those projects that most level-headed geeks consider better left alone by Hollywood.

But Lord knows they can't do that, so...

Hmmm... I'll admit it, it looks pretty good. It looks really good, actually. Dejah Thoris is notably NOT butt-naked, but hey... can't win 'em all, I guess... Anyway, at first glance, I am kind of interested. The end product, the dialogue, the acting, the story adaptation, it might all turn out to be terrible, time will tell, but right now it looks promising. Or at least fun.

Here's hoping,
Jon Hansen of Minnesota

Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Walking Dead: Season Two, Episode Five and Six: Chupacabre and Secrets

I was reviewing one episode at a time this year, grimly slogging through each one, each week. But I fell a bit behind--nearly two weeks behind--so this week you're getting a special treat. Two episodes! Two reviews! One blog post! We're making the mold here, people, and then we're breakin' it! Ka-pow! Look out! You can read the rest of my reviews for this season here, if you want.

"Chupacabre" and "Secrets"

I missed last week's review. You know why?

Because I just don't give a shit. And I don't think I'm alone either. I read a few other sites and they have been doing reviews each week, every week, just like me. But a couple of episodes ago, they started to slow down. A couple of reviewers seemed to have even stopped completely and the few who are still at it are very obviously phoning it in, because they don't seem to have much to say.

And the reason why is obvious: The show is boring.

It's true.

Just like it's true that ever since Frank Darabont's dismissal as showrunner, The Walking Dead has gotten better with each successive episode. But that's faint praise, I'm afraid, considering that 90% of the episodes before his firing were practically unwatchable and definitely go-nowhere and just plain bad, but still... yes, it has been getting better. Unfortuately in this case, the sad reality is: "better" means "boring".


Think about that.

This is a TV show with the basic premise that the world has ended, is now over-run with zombies, and it follows a disparate band of survivors who must stay ever-vigilant or risk joining the legions of undead. The characters live like hunted animals and every day it's kill or be killed. There's terror and death and blood and guts and bullets around every corner. One wrong step and friends, family, loved ones, even they themselves could get infected and turn into a flesh-devouring zombie. The characters could be devoured by the hordes of living dead. They could be killed by any number of desperate and oppurtunistic survivors they run into, or they could just die in general, a tragic result of living life in a world that has suddenly found itself without any kind of support system at all. The tension is high.

And yet, the show is boring. How the fuck does that happen?

Dear Lord, please make something happen... please?

Ok, so Episode 5 is entitled Chupacabre. Why? Well, apparently the group's pet redneck Daryl claims to have seen one once... in Georgia... not Mexico... but whatever. What does this have to do with the episode?

pee-pee break

Pretty much nothing.

Oh, sure, you could say that highlighting this bit of personal history shows that Daryl is prone to hallucinations. You could say that. You could also say that highlighting this piece of personal history shows that Daryl is stupid. Both of which could, at the very least, be considered referential, as this episode focuses on Daryl. It's all about him and how he stupidly ventures out into the woods alone with a single crossbow bolt, trips, falls, and then impales himself on that very same single crossbow bolt and, due to blood loss, hallucinates that his brother Merle is taunting him in a very stereotypical rednecky way as he stumbles home delirious through a forest that is occasionally implied to be full of zombies.

"Tarnation, boy! Sassafrassin' pickup truck! Country music, yee-haw!"

Then! Oh, God! Then, just as he is about home, stupid Andrea--who's biggest character trait now seems to be that she never listens to anybody, flips out, fucks up, and then apologizes--spots him stumbling and thinks he's a walker. Everyone is like: "Don't shoot!" and they go running out there to take the zombie out quietly, you know, so they don't attract more...

See those trees waaaaay back there? That's where Andrea the Idiot is...

And Andrea, being a huge fucking dumbass, ignores everyone, waits for them to get all the way out there and discover that it's not actually a zombie, but a very injured Daryl, AND THEN... she decides to shoot. She shoots between four living people, just misses them, and actually hits Daryl. It's only a flesh wound, of course, because anything that might be out-of-left-field bad and maybe lead to some interesting consquences and story developments... that's bad..., so she doesn't kill him and nothing really comes of the moment. It's just stupid and pointless and so is she, or at least, she's written that way. Which is the real problem with the moment, in my eyes.

This is my least favorite thing ever: Girl-doesn't-know-how-to-shoot humor. Watch for it. Find some horrid, piece-of-trash, terribly written, stupid movie/TV show created by idiots for idiots and at some point, there's usually some sorority chick with a machine gun turning in a circle and screaming and shooting wild and wacky and out-of-control, bullets everywhere, maybe shooting the hero in the butt, maybe taking out the bad guys by accident. Ha! Funny murder... Cameron Diaz has done it.

Katherine Heigel has done it. Jaime Lee Curtis has done it. It's awful. It's stupid. It gets on my last nerve. It drives me insane. It's the worst.

Look at her! She doesn't even know how to hold it! WACKY!

A variation of this unbelievably stupid, sure sign of a terrible show, and the hallmark-of-a-hack-writer moment is this thing with Andrea. It half disguises itself as a "woman of power" moment, but if you look at from any kind of reality, it's actually a "girls are dumb" moment.

They had Peggy Carter do it in the Captain America movie and then put it in the trailer, over and over again, like it was the sassiest fucking thing in the history of the world! She shot at him! With a gun! What if the sheild hadn't worked? How is that funny and not completely psychotically irresponsible? George Romero even included a moment like this is Land of the Dead, where Asia Argento fires a Mini-gun at the hero and wackily takes out a zombie. A mini-gun! They can fire up to 6000 rounds a minute! 6000! Those guns turn people to mist and paste! "But as everyone knows, only a dumb girl would be soooo irresponsible." Screw you! And it's always played for humor. It's insane. It drives me insane. Ugh! I don't get it. And worst of all, no one even chastises Andrea. Everyone is like: Wah-wah-wahhhhhhh! Oh, that Andrea! Oopsey-doopsey-do!

I hate it so much, I wish they had included a scene where they yanked Andrea down off the RV and kicked the unholy crap out of her. That's how much I detest that stupid moment, I wanted them to beat the fuck out of a woman on TV. How awful is that? God, what a terrible show!

Ok, so, yeah... that was pretty much it. Sophia is STILL MISSING! Herschel is still hinting that the group should move on in the most passive aggressive ways he can. Everybody else made dinner and nothing really happened, except Hershel saw Maggie and Glen exchange a "do you want to go have sex? Mark yes or no." note. Which led to the BIG REVEAL:

Glenn decides the dark and foreshadowy barn is a good place for he and Maggie to do it, so he goes out there and discovers Herschel's secret... gasp!

Oingo-boingo was right!

What?!? He's keeping zombies in there? But why? Isn't that ridiculously stupid?

Yes. Yes it is.

Also... who the fuck is this guy?

Welcome to the show, Senor Redshirt!

Ok, so the Sixth Episode, entitled Secrets, is the big one, the second to last episode of the season, the one where all the cards are laid out on the table and all the secrets (see what they did there? So clever...) are finally revealed. It's also a big snoozefest.

Ok, so the episode opens on Glen and he's all "golly gee willickers, I can't keep a secret!" So, first he stumbles around practically wearing a sandwich board advertising the fact that he knows some secrets and then he eventually starts spilling the beans about Lori's pregnancy and the walkers in the barn to Dale, the second worst character on the show--Lori being too firmly entrenched at this point to give up that crown too easily. Dale immediately starts meddling and old-manning about, but nothing comes of it.

The two worst

Maggie gets mad at Glen for telling Dale about the barn, but nothing really comes of it. In fact they do it, I think. I might not have been totally paying attention. I do know they go into town for some stuff for Lori. This is the episode's big drama, folks: Will Lori keep the baby or not? DRAMA! You see, she sent Glenn into town to get some Morning After Pills, despite the fact that they would be completely ineffective at this point in her pregnancy, but hey... the writers can barely string together 42 minutes of coherant story, expecting them to look something up on Google is expecting too much. Anyway, Maggie is still mad at Glenn, because he thinks keeping zombies is really stupid idea just waiting to blow up, while Maggie is an ignorant moron, like her father, who thinks they're just sick or something else too stupid to bother listening to. So she goes stomping off in a huff after bitching at Glenn the milquetoast for a bit and gets attacked by a zombie.

"It hurts when I do this..." Wakka! Wakka! Wakka!

Unfortunately, Glenn saves her, but then Maggie is mad at Lori and chastises her for using "abortion pills" even though that's not what they are. DRAMA! But... nothing comes of it. Then, Rick finds the pills, as Lori is puking them up, and she ends up telling him everything, about the baby and Shane... everything. DRAMA! But don't worry, folks, nothing comes of that either.

There's a "wide stance" joke in here somewhere...

Hey, guess what? Here's a shocker. Sophie is still missing. So, in order to avoid repeating last week's storyline (too late), Shane teaches some of the others about guns, which pretty much seems to amount to him going: "See that? Shoot it. Come on! Shoot it! What's wrong with you? Shoot it!" And guess what? Stupid idiot Andrea shows that she sure can shoot, Yee-haw! She's got a cowboy hat on! So Shane takes Andrea with to go look for Sophia, but all they find are zombies. Newly dead-eye trickshooter Andrea kills a bunch and gets all gooshy in her pants afterwards, so she and Shane do it on the way home. Sexy drama! But Dale finds out and he gets mad at Shane and the two of them threaten each other, oh lordy, do they threaten each other. DRAMA AGAIN!

Luckily, nothing comes of it.

And that's it, the stage is set. The final episode is on in just a few scant days. Will it be as boring as the rest of this season? Will it be as dumb as last year's finale? Will it somehow combine the worst of both and strive for some heretofore unknown level of boring stupidity?

Good Lord, tune in next week to find out, kiddies!

Love ya,