Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Horror, the Horror

Oh the bitter tang of disappointment upon my tongue!

Oh, cruel fates!

Oh, the humanity!

Now I knew, I knew going in that there would be a chance, A CHANCE, that it might not turn out very good, that I might not like what I saw or that it might not be exactly what I wanted, I was ready for that. But I had no idea that not only would it fall completely short of any mark or measurement of quality what-so-ever, but that it could also easily be considered, at a glance and by a far, far country mile, as the single worst one in the entire class.

The single worst one.

Good God, how did I get so lucky?

Understand now… I didn’t expect genius level work. I wasn't demanding perfection. I didn’t expect a mind blowing job shining down from Heaven above, golden and glowing and changing the way that folks make comics from now to eternity... not for free and certainly not from someone who is doing this: A. as a favor and B. is most likely an artist by hobby (not that there’s anything wrong with doing stuff like this for fun) but I did expect it to NOT suck complete ass. And I’m talking MAJOR ass here, not just a little bit of ass… a LOT of ass. A lot. And apparently... that was too much to ask for...

This thing sucked so bad, it had its own Event Horizon.

Of course, I am referring to my 1 page comic book script.

Yes, we got them back last night and no… I am most definitely not going to post it. No way, no how. And its not because he didn’t do it completely the way that I wanted (he didn’t, not even close). Its not even that our styles didn’t match AT ALL (they don’t, at all). No, its mostly due to the undeniable fact that it looks like he didn’t even try, not even a little bit, (and if he did… dude… time for a new hobby). No, my page came back to me and I’m sitting there, seeing everyone else’s… oh, that looks nice, good shading… Oh, a little R. Crumb type stuff there, that's nice… Look at that, good line work… and then… FWAP! Mine lands beside me and…

Good Lord.

Not even one speck of professionalism. Not one. I mean, I get that its free and that my script may not be your genre, your thing, your style, whatever, but for fuck’s sake, man, have some pride in your work. What the fuck!

Little Ms. Supercute Girlfriend said to me at Grumpy’s, as I scowled into my beer after the fact: “It can’t be that bad.”

Then I showed her.

“Oh,” was all she said.

Oh is motherfucking right, man. Oh is motherfucking right.

Oh, as in: my God, what the fuck is that shit? Oh, as in: was this done by a retarded person? Oh, as in: maybe it was someone using their off hand, who was perhaps a little preoccupied? Oh, as in: what a fucking hack job, you fucking douche bag wad job jerk-ass cock fuck.

In my head I wanted something along the lines of Paul Pope maybe:

How's that for awesome?

Here’s a little bit of some le sexy ladies action for the fans…





Also, Frank Quietly’s style is amazing, somebody thinking along those lines would have been cool:

Then there's John Cassidy, of course:

I mean, I certainly didn’t expect this level of quality, come on, not really, I am a realist, you know. But I was hoping for someone with the same sensibilities, someone who tried to draw a little bit along these same lines stylistically, I think it fits the tone of my script best... but what do I get? What does the big fucking winner of the night get?

I get a half-assed, unfinished, drunk ass, poorly copied Luann (not my comic):

What. The. Fuck.

Now, I was diplomatic with my response while in class. The artist wasn’t there, but still… I was all: Well, this is a good example of how sometimes an “artist” (yeah, in quotes) and a writer do not really mesh all that well stylistically. But what I really meant by that was: Oh. Oh, as in: fuck you, buddy. Thanks for nothing, you dick. Thanks for not even trying, you goddamn asswipe.

I’m not going to post it.

But I’m still unsure as to what exactly I am going to do with it. I feel as if crumpling it up is not really the right thing to do, akin perhaps, to martyring the wretched thing and ensuring that it will forever hang over my head like some horribly rendered ghost. No, I think I may still frame it, if for nothing else than a reminder of the how low the morass of crap out there can sink and to always choose your co-creators carefully from now on. And the fact that sometimes, some things are just plain ol' outside of your control. And that they can suck. Big time.

Total disappointment.


zoey said...

you can take some solace in the fact that you have the best labels for this post ever.

sorry about your comic sucking. maybe find out the name of one of the artists who did a decent job and get in touch for a do-over. you definitely deserve a do-over. and so does your piece.

Jon said...


Thanks though.

Shawn Enderlin said...

At the very least, your misfortune has resulted in a blog post that made me laugh my ass off!

Jon said...'re welcome.

god, it was so disappointing. It was so bad, I wondered if maybe that wasn't it, like maybe someone was pulling a prank. Wait 'til you see it... man.... so bad.

Noah said...

I do like the part where you go "maybe something like [insert list of best living comic artists on earth]. That truly blows though. I wish I had the patience to draw a comic, I would draw one for you. E-mail me a copy of the comic if you can, I'm super curious.

Jon said...

we'll see... I have to stare at it awhile and fume.

Zander Cannon said...

Jon-- when I came back to pick up the pages, I'll admit I was disappointed as well. Mostly it's a style thing (the artist is an animator and is used to working fast and loose), but there's definitely not a lot of love put into those panels. Your script deserved better; I think if you come to Conspiracy meetings sometime with (short) scripts, you may yet get it.


Jon said...

Thanks, Zander. (Zander Cannon, everyone! check him out on Amazon.)

I appreciate the sentiment. The pain has abated some in the days since. It's in my bag righ now, so I stumble across it occasionally while digging and I pull it out and sigh...

kidding! (not really...)

Maybe I'll swing by the conspiracy in a couple of weeks, sounds cool, but first I have to get over the hump on a few other projects. I talked up your class to some interested parties, so hopefully they'll turn out next time.