So, yeah... I'm pretty excited.
This is a big deal for me. Ten years in the making. Seventeen different films. And finally, last week, the first trailer for Avengers: Infinity War was released and, well... I loved it. I loved it with the burning passion of a thousand undying suns. This should surprise no one, because I love comics. It is known. I write about them. I rank them. I take pictures of them. I even read them on occasion.
I also watch the movies based on them.
There's a lot at the moment.
And when it comes to superhero comic book films--a few outliers aside--for me, the MCU consistently makes the best blockbusters around. By which I mean, they're generally decent adventure films with some fun, some drama, and some explosions, and all with some likable characters and entertaining set pieces. They're not without their flaws, of course, and they're definitely corporate-owned properties specifically built to be an important part of a massive multi-platform, cross-demographic, money-making machine, but honestly, this reality, coupled with the fact that they are as consistently decent as they are, makes them all the more laudable to me. It's one thing to be a cog in a soulless corporate-driven marketing effort, it's quite another to actually succeed at creating something fun and enjoyable while doing it.
So, they have that going for them.
That's not even mentioning the massive framework that is the Marvel Cinematic Shared Universe. The fact that it works at all, with so many moving pieces, is amazing. And it does work. Case in point, we're here today due to the result of a ten year, seventeen film story. Sure, they don't all fit perfectly, but they do fit generally, and that kind of coordination, all while in motion, with that much money on the line, and that many people involved, is really pretty amazing. Because of this, Marvel Studios prints money.
And everybody wants that Golden Goose.
They all want it, but no other studio has pulled it off yet. I love DC comics too, and I love the idea of them making their own version, but the reality is, they tried and they failed big time. Their attempt at a Shared Universe has resulted in a mess of garbage and crap. I'll be surprised if it lasts another couple of films. And then there's The Dark Universe, the attempt to link the famous Universal Monsters of Frankenstein, Dracula, The Mummy, and on and on. The result? Dead on arrival. Tom Cruise killed it. Technically, the jury is still out on the Giant Monsters Shared Universe, we'll see how King Kong versus Godzilla goes, but... it's iffy. In fact, I bet that crap big screen version of Rampage is what tanks those plans. As for Star Wars, it isn't a Shared Universe at all, it's just a single story line that is being expanded on forever and ever and ever and ever and fucking ever...
Only Marvel has pulled it off, and they did it by accidentally making a movie people really loved. Ten years ago, they took Iron Man, a basically unknown D-tier, perennial team player and also-ran character as a shot-in-the-dark film starring an actor most people thought of as washed-up, and they wound up making RDJ a world-wide mega-superstar, and Iron Man as recognizable as Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman. Maybe more so, depending on the generation...
All of the other Shared Universe attempts have skipped that oh-so important step of making one actually good movie first... then building from there. They don't have the patience, or the love.
And it shows.
Now here we are... Avengers: Infinity War.
Here's the synopsis: The Avengers and their Super Hero allies must be willing to sacrifice all in an attempt to defeat the powerful Thanos before his blitz of devastation and ruin puts an end to the universe.
Wow. Okay, I mean, I really am all in for this film, but... that is a super shitty synopsis. I get that they don't want to spoil anything, but... "before his blitz of devastation and ruin"? What the fuck is that?
Who is Thanos?
We've talked about this before...
Thanos is basically the big bad guy who has been lurking at the edge of everything since the end of the Avengers. You've seen him in the Guardians of the Galaxy films. He's Gamorra and Nebula's asshole adoptive father, the one that turned them into assassins.
He's the guy in the floating chair.
He's the guy in the floating chair.
Thanos is known as the Mad Titan.
He's a genocidal tyrant. He's like Space Stalin. He kills planets. He destroys entire species. He talks during movies. He knocks your ice cream out of your hand when you're not paying attention. He takes his sweet-ass time backing out of his parking spot, even though he knows you're waiting for it. He's evil, people. EVIL. He wants nothing more than to wipe us all out and rule over the ashes.
Thanos's big thing is he wants these specific objects, things you've probably heard of by now, known as the Infinity Stones. They are things of great, great power, and when all six of them are used to bedazzle this golden gauntlet called--wait for it--the Infinity Gauntlet, then the very pillars of heaven quake, let me assure you. The Infinity Gauntlet, with all of the Infinity Stones, basically gives the wielder total and complete power over everything. Total power. You could wipe out planets with a thought, if you wanted to, so it's pretty much the last thing in the entire universe you would want a crazy-ass, bloody-minded, psychotic Space Tyrant to get ahold of.
That answer is easy, my friends, for it is the same thing that has powered so many other stories. In a word... Amore. Yes, it's true, Thanos has been bitten by the love bug. The big purple space tyrant is in love. He only has eyes for one female personification of a concept, and that female personification of a concept is Death. You heard me. He's in love with Death. Not the idea of death, or with causing death, Thanos is in love with the female personification of the concept of Death. Thanos' girlfriend is Death. And to answer what is obviously your second question: Yes, she does have boobs. She's a skeleton with boobs. It's super embarrassing.
I hate sharing these things with you all.
I don't know if any of this will be in the movie.
Here's the best news of all. Currently in the MCU, Hellcat appears in Netflix's Jessica Jones, and the cube is, of course, the Tesseract, that was seen in the first Captain America movie, and then in the first Avenger's film, and then most recently in the last Thor film... so now the only thing missing from the MCU... is the Thanoscopter.
Y'see, he puts his name on the helicopter so that he knows which one is his after maybe a day-trip to the mall, or maybe a mid-day movie, or perhaps a nice night out at the local Olive Garden.
Who are The Black Order?
These folks are basically Thanos' main captains. They're killer-dillers. They're bad news. Corvus Glaive is the leader. He has the basic super-power package: speed, strength, resistance, blah, blah, blah. He takes his name from his weapon, a type of polearm called a glaive. The blade is unnaturally sharp, and as long as it is whole, Corvus can survive anything. He is married to Proxima Midnight. Like Corvus, she also has your basic super-power set. Her spear was made by Thanos, which is something he does, I guess. The Ebony Maw isn't a fighter at all, instead he is a devious trickster with an irresistible power of persuasion. Finally, the Black Dwarf is Corvus' brother. He's super strong and pretty invulnerable. He's basically their Hulk. I expect the four of them to fan out and each snatch an Infinity Stone for Thanos, because they're pretty bad ass.
But that being said, they're also kind of disposable, so more than anything, I expect them to die. After all, they aren't really all that interesting of characters, they're more like murder machines, so they'll show up, do some damage, and then they'll get put down. It should be fun.
Also, just fyi, a character named Supergiant is the fifth member of the Black Order in the comics, but apparently they were cut from the film. No big loss.
Where are the Infinity Stones?
Eagle-eyed readers might notice that only five of the six Stones have been located. Vision has the Mind Stone (from Loki's Scepter). Dr. Strange has the Time Stone (The Eye of Agamotto). The Nova Corps have the Power Stone (The Orb). The Collector has the Reality Stone (The Aether). And Loki has the Space Stone (Tesseract), and he was last seen out in deep space with a massive and really threatening-looking space ship looming over his much smaller space ship...
But where is the Soul Stone, the one that allows the user to steal, control, manipulate, and alter living and dead souls, the one that grants the user control over all life in the universe?
I don't know, but I do have a theory...
Let's watch the trailer.